Life-changing Baja

I've been home for about 12 hours now, slept for 5, and I can honestly say I have never been so exhausted and high on life at the same time.

Back in December I was having a bad day and saw one of the reality influencers post that he was organizing a whale conservancy tour in Baja California, Mexico. I looked at the amazing photos of what it was supposed to be, and without giving it a second thought, I signed up.

They created an Instagram group chat and communicated with us mostly through that. Very quickly I "realized" I signed up for a trip with a bunch of influencer wannabees and that it was going to be a really lame experience. But since the deposit was nonrefundable, I decided to go. Worst case scenario, I'd hate the people and love the views.

A few weeks before the trip everyone started sending photos of their pets and it made me think they might not be as bad as I thought they were. The group was women only (besides the guides and the TV show dude) and I assumed they only signed up for it because of the hot guy from the reality show. Which was partially why I signed up but I was excited for the whales so much more. Still, from my life experience, I didn't expect anyone to be as excited as me about the adventure part. I was used to being the adventurous one. The one who also cried over every single starving dog in Mexico. Other people didn't seem to care that much.

And damn, I'm so glad I couldn't be more wrong. Within a couple of hours, I realized these women were just like me - adventurous and passionate about saving wildlife. During our first meal, we shared how much we hated the movies in which animals get hurt. No one even flinched when I bought a bag of food at the gas station to feed a sick dog. More than that, they helped me feed her and cut up a big jug of water so the dog could drink from it.

The next few days were nothing short of magical. The moment my feet were almost touching the dolphins swimming right ahead of the boat, I knew this was the best tour of my life. Just when I thought it couldn't get any better, one of the guides told us we could jump into the water with the dolphins. I don't remember if I ever felt that much excitement. Most importantly, for the first time since my husband died - I felt happy.

Happy is such an iffy word when you lose the love of your life at the age of 26. He dies and you have to go on with your life. I never thought I'd say I was happy again without the overwhelming feeling of guilt. I didn't think I could be truly happy at all. But then I saw the dolphins racing with our boat, almost touching me. Then I jumped into the water and could see them swimming away. But even when they did, we still shared that space. I shared water with freaking dolphins. And a few days later, with sea lions. It still feels like a dream. Almost insane to say out loud.

Sitting on the bow of the boat, with my legs hanging off, my butt bumping up with every wave, with the wind blowing in my face and completely destroying my hair, causing tears to run down my cheeks - I felt happy. Amazingly free and happy. And the dolphins kept on giving. They kept reappearing, giving us the show of our lifetimes.

On the last night, we were all out having fun. At one point someone asked what was the most life-changing moment in our lives. I thought about it. About the day I picked up the phone, and drove to the hospital, just to find out my husband died. Just like that. While other people were talking about their experiences, I sneaked out to cry on the street. It all hit me at once. I didn't only lose the person I loved but also the life we were supposed to have together. Or even the life I was supposed to have before I met him. For the past few months, I have felt so stuck, not understanding why I couldn't be content with what I had and this week I finally realized...

Virginia was our home but it's not mine. And that's okay. I can finally stop pretending and start making long-term changes. My whole life all I ever wanted was to travel around the world, work with people and animals. I did my best to honor Andrew's memory, I'll never stop loving him, but I have to stop living his life. And I didn't realize that I was allowed to do that... that I had to do that until I met someone who was everything I ever wanted to be since I was a little kid. I never expected a reality influencer to touch my soul like this. To literally change my life. I felt like my soul fell apart all over again, and for the first time in a long time, I had hope I could put it back together.

I cried for about 12 hours. I cried on that dark Mexcian street, I cried when I got back to the hotel, I cried the next morning, on the way to the airport, at the airport, and then finally cried myself to sleep on the plane. When we took off, I was sobbing so badly that I had snot all over my hands and sleeves. The person who was sitting next to me probably thought I was crazy. I felt crazy. I've never cried like this over simply a tour ending. But it wasn't really about that. I cried because I knew it was time to stop making excuses and start living my life instead of the life I created with my husband. And it's not going to be easy to make those changes.

After 16 hours of traveling, I got home in the middle of the night. I didn't know how to feel. Then I woke up this morning and knew I was ready. First step - rent out my condo. I'm sure my in-laws will love my 27-year-old ass moving into their basement with 5 pets. Assuming they let me...

If you also dream of traveling the world and saving wildlife, start by checking out Baja Adventures. The tour with them wasn't just another mindless vacation. They did so much more than that. They educated us while giving us an experience of a lifetime. Going on this tour was the best decision I could ever make. I feel so privileged to be a part of what they've created.