I Got to Love You

The best thing I’ve ever had the privilege of doing, was loving you. The best memories I’ve ever made in my entire life were given to me, because I got to love you. The best lessons I’ve ever learned in my life were taught to me, because I got to love you. Loving you was calm and peaceful, like dew drops on the grass at the break of dawn. Loving you was sweet and gentle, like butterfly kisses on a cool spring day. Loving you, was all I wanted, all I ever asked for.

It’s truly something special when you find your best friend and your partner all rolled up into one person. It’s addictive, chasing highs and fighting through lows, addictive and dangerous but I never minded. I never listened when you told me you were broken, tears spilling down your cheeks as I held you close to my chest, trying to absorb all of your pain out of your heart and carry it for you instead. I never listened because I couldn’t see what you were so worried about, in my eyes you were an angel. In my eyes you were strong, you were brave, you were kind, you were gentle. In my eyes, there was absolutely nothing you could’ve said or done that would make me love you less, that no mistake was ever unforgivable. In my eyes honeybee, you were my sun, my moon, and every single star that lights up the sky.

I hope one day that the man who filled me with such passion for life returns. I hope that one day we meet in some far off speakeasy to play chess and laugh the night away together once more. I hope one day that I can come back into the home we built together in your heart. Everyone around me asks why. He hurt you they say, he left you, you’re better off without him. And that might be true because you did hurt me. You hurt me worse than anybody has ever hurt me in my entire life, and for anybody who knows my story, that’s impressive. Now you’re not the man I made all my memories with, and you’re not the man I fell in love with. I know that. No, I think that the worst part of it all is, I don’t care. I know I should but I don’t for the simple reason that some small, quiet part of my heart will forever be yours. That part that I will never be able to get back. That part where we built a home, had a life, found a family, and fell in love.

Now that home is cold and dark, a shell of what it used to be. Sometimes I visit it on my own, watching through the windows at flashes of our life together. Swimming at the lake with our dog, camping on the side of a mountain laughing at the top of our lungs at my poor attempt to defrost steak, those quiet Sunday mornings where we laid in bed for hours not wanting to leave the other’s side. I truly did love you to pieces, until all the pieces of us that you left scattered on the floor were too broken to put back together. Someday I hope I can open the door again, put two glasses out, one red wine, one scotch, and sigh in relief. Someday I hope to find peace, and god I hope that peace is with you. But for now, I have to let go and let you make more memories without me. I have to lock the gate into our yard, and not come back for a long while.

If you find yourself visiting my home in your heart as well, please know I miss you. I miss your smile, I miss your kiss, I miss your hugs and how they calmed all of my storms, I miss us. Take care of the garden I planted outside. Let the sunshine I left there just for you warm your face when you're lonely and hurting. Let the birdsong from the messy bird feeders you always hated calm your mind, I hope when they sing you hear my voice singing along. I will find peace someday, but I will always remember that I got to love you, and how wonderful a time it was honeybee.