Are We Really 'Just Friends'? (Part 1)

We sit across the way from each other. Our laughter still echoing in the air. When that stops echoing off the water and in our ears we are then silenced. Both of us look to the navy blanket of the night sky speckled only by clusters of stars here and there.

It is beautiful.

The sound of the waves cease in their crashing and go to a silent gurgle, the birds all fly down for the night tired of entertaining young children with their flight. The lights along the pier dim and the parking lot is now vacant save a beat up Honda civic.

Nature itself seemed to hold its breath and in that moment the world stopped so that it could watch this scene. A boy shaking and not from the cold. A girl too afraid to look up from the sand that was smudging in between the gaps of her toes. A fire that burnt to bring to light all that the night held secret.

I heave out a sigh, feeling the weight of what we both know is to come.

Tonight was my idea. I always tried to let you take the lead. You were always resistant and tonight was no exception. You may be able to live in this world of ignorance and think it is okay. I cannot. It hurts me too much.

In my heard are a million thoughts, but the capitalizing thought was what happened earlier today. This was the concluding event for me to be absolutely sure that this NEEDED to happen.

It all started with you reaching for my hand.

As we walked along the beach to get to our favorite seaside hang out with our group, you stopped me in my tracks. you reached in between us and grabbed my hand. As two people who have full-on hugged, lay on each other (with the group), and generally are inseparable amongst the group, it should not have surprised me.

Yet it did.

It did because this meant something to you. Each time we would touch it was always stated what it was meant for. There was never a casual touch to you when it came to me.

There was no weight and no pressure other than our friends pulling us aside every chance they got to ask if we were finally together. I did not pay attention to those comments much at first. You were growing into your feelings on a personal level rather than that of an empath and I was growing out of family.

We were both in a vulnerable place and because of that we built a bond that no one saw coming. Not even us. We assume that because we were always there for one another and could say anything without fear of judgement that it was just a friendship.

But was it really ever?

I forget about the whole thing as we see our friends laughing and smiling. You sit down and naturally pull a chair out for me while doing so. I do not usually hesitate. Today I did. I noticed that in the process of pulling it out you pulled it closer to you.

Was that intentional?

"You good?" Liana, my girlfriend asks as I go to sit next to her.

"Yeah you look like you saw a ghost," Jonathan says across the table from me.

I might have. Of course, that is not something I would ever say aloud.

"Nah I'm good, but you look as pale as one. Did you sleep at all?" I hear laughter at the joke as Jonathan smirks at me.

"Yeah man I didn't know the history test beat you up that bad," Travis, the boy who is still ever confusing me as to whether we are friends or more shoots back.

"Says the one who doe snot shut up about anything politically-related," was shot back just as quickly and earned a fond eye roll from Liana, Chloe, and I.

Travis looks affronted and I cut in with, "you know he is not wrong."

Jonathan looks as smug as I will get out as he sends a wink in my direction. Travis shut his mouth and looked at me with a small smile. I ducked my head down waiting for heads to roll at my statement. Liana and Chloe were looking between the three of us as if we were some sort of telenovella.

Now this is an environment I know I can work and thrive in. We chat about our failed attempts at this test from our teacher as drinks were already ordered by the others. At some point the waiter comes with drinks and before I know it, Travis goes to hand me mine and his hand stays longer around my fingers than normal.

We look at each other as we both take a sip and smile. I turn around to see Chloe and Liana looking all smug. Strangely, Jonathan is glaring at his cup. Weird.

Well whatever I know how to get him to smile again.

I roll up the straw paper into a ball take out my straw and blow it into his face. Yeah, yeah we are almost 20 and still throwing paper balls through straws. Not that big of a deal.

He smiles and does the same. I gesture for Chloe to aim at Travis and Liana at Jonathan. Both girls smirked and launched the paper balls at the same time. Liana smacked Jonathan right in between the eyes and Chloe got it stuck in Travis's hair.

I couldn't hide my cackle nor did I want to. As the beinnings of a snort came on, Chloe snorted as well and we both laughed as our eyes bugged out. Liana let out the most infectious, boisterous laughter. The guys tried to keep their faces neutral but they never could with us. There was never a time we all did not laugh at least 3 times as a group when we hung out.

I look at all the people I chose to surround myself with in the final days of high school. We all came from different schools and because of this we were able to hang out at more events, games and parties than any of our other classmates. I could not be more happy to see those whom I have chosen and chosen me as equally in return. This I could work with.

This is what I wanted my day to be about. Just me and my friends. I turn to look to my side and then there was Travis. Once the laughing died down the boys started going back to play arguing while us girls just rolled our eyes and looked at the menu.

Priorities.

Travis was arguing with Jonathan about something about politics, which why Jonathan decided to torture himself like that I will never know. Yet during that I was acutely aware of our close proximity made closer by his flamboyant hand gestures and the slight inching of his chair in my direction.

Then he was leaning into me to ask if I agreed with him. I look up into his cerulean blue eyes and I stutter out that I agree with Jonathan. He actually looks hurt by that as Jonathan claims victory over the argument and Travis turns to convince him further.

I on the other hand am trying to not feel the stifling heat of the room. I claim I will be right back and Liana gets up to follow me. Chloe can handle the guys by herself, though I do feel bad for her.

Once out of view of the table I run. I run so fast that I almost knock someone over. The operative word being almost. Liana is calmer as she opens the door what feels like minutes, but in reality is only seconds, later.

"What is going on?" she asks with her hands over her chest, face open and sincere.

"I don't know," I answer pulling at my hair like a psycho.

"Ok," she says gently moving her hand to cover mine and stop my frantic pulling. Then what happened to make you act like that?"

"He held my hand," I whisper out.

She lets out a sigh and without words comes over to me and wraps me in a hug. I allow the tears to come because I am on an emotional roller coaster and all because of a touch.

"How lame is that?" I ask aloud because I want to be talked out of this.

"It is a beautiful thing if treated right," she says lifting my chin up and wiping away the tears. "If he does not step up after that move than he has no right to what happens if you choose something else," she says with a finality.

That is what I am afraid of. Will there actually be the genuine friendship that we claimed to have if the knowledge of what it really was was out in the open? Or was this whole relationship I had with him a farce from the start?

"Yeah maybe you are right," I answer in a strangled warble.

"I always am," she said with a proud smile.

We both laugh and head back to the table where they must have ordered our food, the boys are handled, if not fuming a little, and Chloe looks like a cat that ate the canary.

Do not want to know.

I site down anyway and the rest of our hang out time was a blast. I made sure in that moment to tell Travis that we needed to talk later. Through a text. Not my proudest moment.

I am desperate! He let out a large gulp, inched his chair closer to Liana, and typed, sure.

I do not know which part hurt the most. But I needed an answer in order to move on and be able to continue on through college without the weight of a past I never asked for but more than willing to not only put up with, but live with.

I needed to know.

Pat 2 will be coming out very soon! We will discover the protagonists name, dive into the relationship and history of both Travis and the protagonist, and see if they finally have the conversation and closure both need.

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