Adult Things I Do NOT Want To Do

1. Clean the stinky-stink out of the sinky-sink. Why the hell does it smell like that? Is it the compost? The empty-ish cat tins in the sink? The old water in the frying pan? What's that orange stuff? OMG.

2. Throw out compost. Why can't I do this every day? It's not that hard to do. It's right out the fucking door! I could just throw it out from the door! Maybe... Maybe not. But it's really not that hard. And I just let it pile up and force my kid to take it out. I mean there are flies..... sigh. Am I lazy or depressed or ADHD or..... OK FINE I'LL DO IT NOW! OMG LEAVE ME ALONE BRAIN!

3. Clean the godsdamned cat tins. Again, why don't we just do this? Should I force my daughter to do this, since she feeds the cats, too? Should I make a big ass sign by the cat food bowls? Laminate it. It would say, "CLEAN OUT THE STINKIN' TINS!" I mean, again, not that hard. Ugh. Being an adult sucks. Why does it have to stink so bad?

4. Clean the dishes. Make the stinky-stink go away. Why are you waiting to do this? Do you have anything else to do then avoid this? Actually, yes, you a shitload to do.... like

5. Take out the godsdamned trash. Go around the house, and pick up the trash just left there cuz you're too goddamned lazy to take care of it yourself right when you produce said trash. Do I need a trash bucket in every room? Would that help? Why did I let the kids eat lunchables in the living room, anyway?! We have new couches for christ's sake! And what does Christ have to do with it, anyway?

6. Take out recycle. Once you clean the cat tins, put the cat tins in the recycle somehow, cuz you know it's full and some jenga shit is gonna have to happen to get the tins in there. But once you do, just take it out. DON'T LET THE RECYCLE OWN YOU! YOU OWN THE RECYCLE! YOU GOT THIS!

7. Remember that free bread you got when you were one of the last customers at Great Harvest Bread Co.? Well, now you gotta buy butter for it, because for some reason, even though you've bought mac n cheese which requires butter, you have none in the house... Also, there's no such thing as a free lunch... grr. So much for free bread.

8. Make a shopping list that actually makes sense before you go shopping. Just remember for next time. Like I'm gonna read this before next time. You see how long each mark on this list is? Why do I have to write it all out? OMG!

9. Find a home for Grogu that is not the kitchen table. (Do I have to?) Why is he on the kitchen table in the first place? And why is he wearing a hat? Maybe put him by the tv to scare the cats away. The gnomes have stopped working. Maybe they don't like the minimum wage that I'm paying them. Look, they're gnomes!

10. *cat knocks trash and crumbs from table onto the floor* Sweep the floor. Because I didn't just do that last night because of the four litter boxes I have in the house cuz someone (me) decided it was a good idea to have 3 cats...

11. Write something creative maybe? OMG IS THAT THIS? AM I DOING THAT RIGHT NOW?! OMG FINALLY I'm doing something! (The sink still stinks, though.)

12. Set paper on fire because it's more fun than taking it to work to be shred and who wants to let on that you have 10 years worth of bank statements in garbage bags?

13. Find out how Aha keeps escaping the catio. (An enclosed patio for cats). Like, what the hell? There are so many staples in the wood already! I just fixed all the holes! How the hell does he just teleport to the other side of the screen?! And then he ends up on the neighbors lawn who posts a picture of him to Nextdoor saying he's disturbing her indoor cats.... You know what, this one can wait. Good job, Aha. bwahaha.

14. Crochet something for Matt, since he told you to and he gave you 12 tubs of his dead mother-in-laws yarn.... There's new yarn of the same yarn in there. Who needs so much yarn? And why would you buy yarn you already have just to stuff it into a tub?? What am I gonna make with all this yarn?!

15. Is Kallum still putting Bunny back together? OMG. My daughter has carried this stuffed animal around since she was 4 and we've been trying to get it repaired for a year. She's 13 and has anxiety, so she takes it everywhere. Are we eventually going to have to repair the loan-bunny Bun-bun from Gam-gam? OMG I can't fix more bunnies. Hold on, Bun-bun! Just a little bit longer!

Also.... I have a 13 year old who still carries a bunny with her everywhere... What kind of lousy parent am I? And my boss wants me to be an assistant manager to a 20 year old who acts 12? How is this supposed to work? Just curious. Can I beat him everytime I catch him sitting down and not doing anything? I mean, I don't do this to my kids, but he's a goddamned grown adult. He does nothing. Why is he here, again? He leaves 5-6 hours before his shift ends. Literally. He comes in to open the store and be a body there until everyone else arrives to do the actual work. Now that he's on vacation, I think we're doing a good job without him. Amanda can be the manager (an actual adult) and I can assist her. For God's sake, don't make me the manager though. My 13 year old still carries around a bunny...

16. Organize daily drugs someplace smart? Or, fuck, just leave them on the table because I already know where they are and that's more than I can say about most things...?

17. Somehow, get the kids from inside, to outside? ugh. I don't even go outside. How do I do this? Entice them to jump on the giant trampoline my daughter won't use because she's afraid of ticks? Wash the spiders and their many webs off of the bikes? That sounds like too much work. I can't even water my garden. Suprised I have a garden? Me, too! So much for being that outdoorsy healthy family you wanted to be! Can I blame my dad? He was good for that but now he's dead.

18. What's going on with my hair? It's growing. It was short. Now it's less short. Do I make it short short short again? Do I leave it alone? Do I style it? Do I see a stylist for help and moral support cuz style what? ha.

19. Can I block my ex's texts even as I have his children with me? Can we run away? Is that kidnapping? Would he know? Just sayin.' Why is he texting me anyway? No, we don't want to hang out with you, meanie!

20. Recoup with a lazy day for once? Or am I too lazy? I mean, there's garbage in places that isn't the garbage. sigh. Life is tiring, man!

Should I just go watch YouTube and ignore all my chores again? I mean, doesn't everyone deserve a break? Or do I have to earn it still after working all week and taking care of kids, guinea pigs, and cats.

Why do I have to be an adult with so many adult things to do?