Which of These 10 Toxic Social Media Superheroes Are You?

Everybody, including me, loves superheroes. One of the reasons we like them, however, is because they’re fictional. They stretch the imagination and have talents and abilities about which we clumsy mortals can only dream, but we don’t have to live with one.

Unfortunately, too many people on social media have assumed the personas of superheroes. In real life (if you can even call social media real life), superheroes aren’t so much wonderful as they are a pain in the ass. We’re all one or more of these examples at one time or another. Which one are you?

1. Superman

“Live as one of them, Kal-El, to discover where your strength and your power are needed. Always hold in your heart the pride of your special heritage.” — dialogue from the film Superman, 1978, spoken by Superman’s father, Jor-El

You’re not from one of us, but you’re graciously willing to save us from ourselves. Whether you’re the city slicker who finds himself in Smallville or the sage rustic plopped in the Big City, you know better. You’re here to straighten everybody out. Swell.

Common catchphrases:

“The (Mexican, British, Iranian, Peruvian, etc.) system is far superior to your American one.”

“You don’t have children, so naturally, you wouldn’t understand.”

“Let me tell you how we do things in Texas.”

“You wouldn’t last ten minutes in my occupation.”

“In my day…”

2. Wonder Woman

“With her powerful abilities, centuries of training and experience at handling threats that range from petty crime to threats that are of a magical or supernatural nature, (she) is capable of competing with nearly any hero or villain.” — character sketch from wikipedia.org

I am Woman, hear me roar. Whether you’re Mother of the Year or Employee of the Month, we get to hear all about it. Lucky us.

I don’t mean to say that one shouldn’t toot their own horn once in a while, but every damn day? It’s like living with the angel Gabriel if the angel Gabriel fancied himself a social influencer. Heaven help us!

Common catchphrases:

“Have you seen my Ted Talk yet?”

“Fulfilling career? Check. Fabulous sex life? Check. Gorgeous, gifted offspring? Do you even have to ask?”

“If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask me. I can do it all, backward and in stilettos.”

3. Captain America

“Cap is one of the hardest hero characters to write, because the writer cannot use some exotic super-power to make his episodes seem colorful… All he has to serve him are his extraordinary combat skills, his shield, and his unquenchable love for freedom and justice.” — Stan Lee, 2011

Wave that flag, baby! Nobody loves America more than you do, and you never tire of reminding us. The problem is, not everyone wants the same America.

Some people want the America of dead trespassers and live embryos. Others want the America where they don’t have to behave as if they live in Dodge City and where they never have to worry about choosing between their medication and a trip to the grocery store.

No matter which America you’re hoping for, it doesn’t make you anymore patriotic than anybody else, so get over yourself.

We’ve had too many years of focusing on what separates us: too many labels and too many yard signs. Do you want a better America? Start with a kinder America, a more just America, an America we all can be proud to claim as our own. It all starts with how we treat our neighbors. Any Christian can tell you it should be how we like to be treated ourselves. Try walking the walk for a change instead of pointing the finger.

Common catchphrases:

“I’m defending the Constitution.”

“You’re not a true American.”

“If you really loved this country, you would…”

“Jesus is on our side.” (PRO TIP: Jesus doesn’t take sides.)

4. The Punisher

“A vigilante who employs murder, kidnapping, extortion, coercion, threats of violence, and torture in his campaign against crime.” — character sketch from wikipedia.org

Oh, my! You’re one scary son of a bitch, ain’t ya? Just because we think differently, vote differently, or believe differently, you’re going to take me out. You’re going to find out where I live and rain down holy Hell upon me and mine. You’re going to scare me straight and ruin my life. Wow, is that chest-thumping I hear or is the wash load unbalanced again? You know what is unbalanced? You are. Calm the fuck down, slugger.

Common catchphrases:

“I know where you live.”

“You’re going to be sorry you’ve ever been born.”

“I have a nasty surprise waiting for you.”

“I’m going to rip your head off and eat it with my avocado toast.” (Okay, maybe not that one.)

5. Hawkeye

“(Hawkeye) He has gained a reputation for being able to “turn any object into a weapon” — character sketch from wikipedia.org

You never know what’s going to set this person off. They’re just looking for something, anything, to throw in your face. Atheist or true believer, vegan or carnivore, they’ll find something objectionable about any opinion you put forth.

I once engaged in a bizarre online argument that escalated into the other person being repeatedly warned by the FB page moderators and me resigning my group membership. Do you know what it was about? How the TV series Outlander depicted one of the characters instead of how the author depicted him in the book. I swear if we had been face-to-face, this lunatic would have slapped the crap out of me. Yikes! PRO TIP: Fan pages are no place for critical thinking. Lesson learned.

Common catchphrases:

“If God didn’t want us to eat meat, why do we have canine teeth?”

“Maybe you’re not familiar with the importance of the Oxford comma.”

“Only a degenerate reprobate puts the toilet paper roll on that way!”

6. The White Queen

“She is an urbane telepath…When her telepathic powers manifest, (she) is able to read the minds of others and glean information.” — character sketch from wikipedia.org

This person knows your life story after reading one of your Tweets. They see where you’re coming from, even though they’ve never met you, don’t know your situation, and have never done a fifty-yard dash in your shoes. Expose them to 280 characters or less of what you’re thinking, and that’s all they need (or want) to know about you.

Based on a single opinion or observation you’ve made, they know who you voted for in the last election, whether or not you believe in God, and how many extra pounds you’re packing. They are famous for their psychological insights based on very little information. All I have to say to these folks is this: Don’t presume to assume unless you can consume your hat when somebody hands it to you.

Common catchphrases:

“I know your type.”

“That’s the trouble with you people. None of you knows anything.”

“What you really mean is…”

7. Iron Man

“I know you’re a coward, so I decided… that you just died, pal. I’m gonna come get the body.” — quote from the film Iron Man

This person has a refined criteria for taking the measure of others and assumes in advance that they’re not going to measure up. If you don’t run marathons, lift impressive amounts of weight, and maintain a flawless physique, you’re something less than human. They assume that you don’t do these things, not because you don’t want to, but because you can’t. That translates into weakness for them, and they don’t do weak.

“No, seriously. How much weight can you press?”

“Only five marathons? At your age? You might as well throw in the towel right now, buddy.”

“My body is a temple. I haven’t had meat, sugar, or dairy in 15 years. Pass me that brewski, will you, brah?”

8. Doctor Strange

“Doctor Strange must act as an intermediary between the real world and what lies beyond, utilizing a vast array of metaphysical abilities and artifacts.” — from a Marvel Studios synopsis of the film Doctor Strange

Okay, smarty pants. Give us your inside knowledge: your superior understanding of the workings of our bodies, our minds, and the universe. We’re dying to hear all about it. Send me another link to your guru’s online course. Tell me about gut health. Admonish me for not building up my solar callus. And vaccinations? Uh, huh. Right.

Common catchphrases:

“Meditation is the key to weight loss.”

“I don’t go a day without grounding myself by walking on Mother Earth in my bare feet.”

“You got skin cancer precisely because you didn’t get enough sun.”

9. Conan the Barbarian

Mongol General: What is best in life?

Conan: To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women. — dialogue from the film Conan the Barbarian, 1982

Unlike the Punisher, this person doesn’t want to destroy you as much as they want to see you suffer. That’s why they don’t go far enough to get you to unfriend them, but just far enough to get you to keep beating your head against their obstinacy. They let you think you can change their mind so that they can watch you fail. It amuses them because they know you can’t convince them of anything. After all, if you did, they’d have to stop fighting, and conflict is all they’re after.

You’ve got to wonder why folks go over the same territory with the same people on social media again and again when they never let you win an argument. Rarely do these folks even let you chalk up a point. It’s a lesson we all need to learn eventually, don’t feed the trolls. The problem is, they’re all so darn hungry.

“It’s against my religion.”

“Someday, you’ll learn.”

“Let’s agree to disagree until next time when we drag out this dead horse and beat the crap out of it.”

10. The Shadow

“Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? The Shadow knows!” — Tagline for The Shadow radio program, 1930s

So you’ve got a secret identity. Aren’t you special? You might be a U.S. Senator posing as a homemaker or a Russian bot posing as my next-door neighbor. Who knows? In most cases, you’re just a coward who wants to speak out without consequences—shame on you.

And, honey, do you have opinions. You tell it like it is, but you do it undercover. Nobody’s ever going to be able to hold you accountable, and that’s just how you like it: all the benefits of free speech with none of the consequences. Oh, sure, if people knew, they might judge you harshly, but that’s the beauty of anonymity. They’re never going to find out.

Common catchphrases:

There aren’t any. They’re all over the map. Suffice it to say; it’s something they wouldn’t want attributed to them in the New York Times.

Social media has given us an unprecedented ability to be heard, but sometimes, less is more. Feel free to express yourself, but be careful you don’t forget to suppress yourself once in a while. We, your gentle readers, will thank you.

©2020, Denise Shelton. All rights reserved.

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