Trump Satire

This is Donald Trump - your president (#AKAGod #POTUS). Although none of us saw this coming, I’m doing something no other president has ever done. It’s something new, something we’ve been working on for quite some time and we’re very proud of it. I am sending you each Trump Tweets (#generosity #donaldtrumpisthoughtful). It’s the same as US dollars, just has my face on it. I’ve already talked to the banks and they’ve all agreed. Best. Idea. Ever!

Now about this flu (#Chineseflu), this is a very contagious virus. It’s incredible. But it’s something we have tremendous control of. It’s going to disappear. One day — it’s like a miracle — it will disappear. And from our shores, we — you know, it could get worse before it gets better. It could maybe go away. We’ll see what happens. Nobody really knows. But I will tell you, we’re very close to a vaccine, and we’re very close to therapeutics, really good therapeutics. The vaccine will end the pandemic. But it’s ending anyway. I mean, they go crazy when I say it. It’s going to peter out and it’s going to end. With or without a vaccine, it’s going to pass. But we’re going to help the end and we’re gonna make it a lot faster with the vaccine and with the therapeutics and frankly with the cures.

I’m ok with the numbers the way they are. Don’t forget, we have more cases than anybody in the world. But why? Because we do more testing. If we didn’t do any testing, we would have very few cases (#Iheartscience). Speaking of tests, we inherited horrible tests, broken tests – the word is inherited. And it was all broken. But we fixed it. Now we have great testing. Anybody right now and yesterday – anybody that needs a test gets a test. We – they’re there. They have the tests. And the tests are beautiful. Anybody that needs a test gets a test. I’ve taken the test numerous times and each time is better. Doctors say they’ve never seen such good results.

Speaking of results, Gallop just gave us the highest rating ever for the way we are handling the coronavirus situation. 10/10! And the stock market is looking good! But the do nothing democrats just keep complaining. I don’t understand why they’re complaining so much. Just look at everything I’ve done to fight this invisible enemy (#wartimepresident).

- I saved the U.S. billions of dollars by lowering EPA standards (#pleasepolluteresponsibly)

- I lowered the price of gas to record lows (#fossilfuelsforlife)

- I increased Fox’s viewing and Twitter’s popularity by 1000% (#obamaneverdidthat)

- I graduated medical school in record time and am now qualified to prescribe hydroxychloroquine in every state (#trumpuniversity #class2020 #gamechanger)

- I have been transparent throughout and made sure blame found those responsible – China, CDC, Democrats, WHO, fake news (#responsibility #accountability)

Finally, I signed the defense act to ramp up production of PPE and tests. Until I decide what states get funding and PPE (hint: if you’re nice to me and do exactly what I say, you’ll get it first) (#priorities) follow Donald Trump’s covid-19 guidelines and the country will be opened up, and rarin' to go by Easter.

1) Take hydroxychloroquine – it’s safe and effective. It’s a very powerful drug and it’s been tested in the sense that we know it doesn’t kill you (#gamechanger)

2) Reuse your masks, there are great liquids to clean them (#Iheartscience)

3) Don’t gather in groups of more than 10 unless it’s to protest

4) Understand that I have total authority, as president that’s the way it’s got to be (#factcheck)

5) If you are related to me, or work for me these rules do not apply to you (#immunity)

6) If you are related to me or work for me, but question my authority – you’re fired (#betterlucknextseason #apprenticefinale)

7) Join the social media revolution!

To make America great again, I have decided to leave Twitter and create my own social media platform. We have to stand up to the tyranny of big tech. We live in a world where the Taliban has a huge presence on Twitter, yet your favorite American president has been silenced. Truth social will be the biggest game changer in the history of social media. So sign up now for Truth Social - where fact checks are not necessary because everything is the truth!

Author’s note

This piece is not meant to offend or attack anyone’s beliefs. It is mostly fictitious and written purely for humor and entertainment. These are difficult times and we need humor now more than ever. Just for your general knowledge, there are several direct quotes from Trump (bonus points if you can identify them).