My Love Cost A Lot

"My love does cost a lot" she said, but it wasn't enough. Not for this man who had made her want to fall in love.

She had spent two years trying not to get caught up in him, not wanting to make another mistake like the last time when they had kissed for the first time and he'd left without saying goodbye. He had gone too fast and now she was falling in love with his smile and laughter. She had thought she had known what love felt like; thought she had understood how it would feel like to be in love again. And then the first person who showed her that feeling wasn't an illusion. A few weeks after their first kiss she'd gotten back into work at his company. He had been so good to her, always asking how she was doing or even bringing her coffee to cheer her up. She couldn't remember ever feeling this warm inside. But that's all it had taken; one simple phone call from him to pull out any remaining reserve of strength she had left in her heart. That day he had called her and asked if she wanted to go on a date, to have lunch together. All it took was for his eyes to twinkle and for him to look away from her face to talk about the weather. And it was that same conversation that sent the words flying off her tongue.

“I think I might love you” he hadn’t responded right away, which was just fine by her; she knew that it took more than those two little words to make him say the things she wanted to hear most. “I mean if you’re willing to try. Because I know you probably don’t feel the same way. Or maybe you do.” The silence was uncomfortable, almost painful. Finally, he broke it, but not without letting his words sink in first. “You were my best friend… you’ve been my rock. And if this is something we can both handle then I’d like to give it a shot. It doesn’t have to mean anything, though, because we don’t have to take anything further if it makes you uncomfortable, I’m sorry.” She shook her head as she hung up on him, not even bothering to respond. This was going to hurt him just like it had hurt her, but she needed to stop holding back. She knew she had feelings for him, and she knew it was real. She wanted to show him that she wasn't lying; that she loved him. If he didn’t feel the same, there was no point in getting involved anyway. There wouldn’t be anybody else. She had already given too much of herself away.

The next few days were nothing like the previous ones had been. She didn't call to see how he was doing or tell him she loved him. They spoke on the phone only sporadically, usually long conversations in which he didn't offer any sort of explanation for his absence the other night and she didn't ask about why he never mentioned it again. The calls weren't filled with warmth and affection, instead replaced with awkward silences. When he did finally come down to visit, he was always in a rush to meet her parents and hang out with them before heading off back to the city.

They saw each other less and less until eventually he barely acknowledged her presence. She could still remember the way he would look over at her when he heard her voice, the fondness that would shine in his gaze. He would give a small smile before turning back around and returning his focus to whatever video game was playing, and she would find herself smiling, happy just to see him smiling back. Then one day he hadn't shown up for breakfast, and when she came to the kitchen to check on him, everything had changed. His plate of scrambled eggs had been untouched and his glass of orange juice sat abandoned by his side. Everything seemed oddly cold. And she hadn't been able to eat a single bite of her breakfast.

Her mom had seen the sadness in her eyes and had quickly offered to drive her daughter to the hospital in their old car. Even now, a year later and driving through familiar roads, her mother never asked about her love life or boyfriends. No matter how hard she tried to keep up appearances, there were moments when it got overwhelming and she simply stopped speaking altogether. And once those times started, they were never gone. It wasn't until several days ago that she began talking to anyone. Talking about anything besides her broken heart.