Little Sparkly Boy

The lines were long inside the Store. Saturday the night was dark and stormy with wintertime chills, and Soft Christmas music. I leaned against the windowsill, staring out into the Snow covering the sidewalk, piles Longly up to the Tree Trunk. Wondering how I would Decorate the yard and Beautiful Designs Through out the neighborhood! Colorful, white and Bright, Definitely Bright!

My Mom’s Favorite thing was to Decorate; I loved to watch and then maybe soon I’d get the chance to say where things should go. Getting Home was always a Delay. Winter time on the west side of Chicago, You’ll be Lucky to make it to your Doorstep Before The New year count Down. I sat Patiently waiting on my Mom to Arrive, in The Driveway with Christmas 🎄 Decorations. I couldn’t wait to finally have the chance to make Everything Beautiful, But How was I Going to do that? I’m just a little Sparkly Boy… I didn’t have an opinion, well maybe I just shouldn’t say anything! (only if they knew I Existed) “They’d Love me”.

Christmas is My Favorite Holiday. I Just Can’t Wait To See The Lights Sparkling on the Tree and All Around!

I wrote another Christmas song 🎶 This Year. My Binder was stuffed with paper’s inked with ✍️ poems..

With Overwhelming, Emotional pain I would uselessly write To my Pretend audience and Feel Better. Occasionally Joyful Things ,and Motivation from My Blissful Imagination world. Nevertheless In That realm They All Knew my Pain and They All Loved the version of me, That I’d Always Share with them. I had The Lovely Support I Needed, Often times it was a Bit Much! But my Mission was to Keep All Of those who Turned Eyes and Ears Towards me Happy and Full Of Confidence. That’s what my Songs made them Feel. Whenever I Write it takes me to this Beautiful World”, My Friend said to me “when You Sing there’s Natural music inside your Voice”( Me Thinking)Casual smiles Die out to fast so I sang for him, and then we converted from singing to laughter.

Winter had gone by leaving the city with a Chill. I said Goodbye to Frosty and The Gang. I wish The Lights Could stay up, but Mom says that they must be put away.

Ever since the first time I started writing and Discovered that Different World my Existence feels Better. I Loved my Beautiful Imagination world! In This world I Felt Loved and Free. Why Must I have to go back to The Reality we’re I’m just a little Sparkly Boy. No Voice, lack of Confidence, and where are the Enthusiastic People going? Hhmm

Spring Break is almost here. I have been thinking of ways to Learn Knew things. Maybe Designing, Moderate Fashion, Singing and Communication Skills. “ There was so much For me To Learn”. (6th Grade)and Everything that I Probably shouldn’t have known, Had already Happened around me. Growing up witnessing certain things made me Feel as if it Also Happened To me.

Thinking of Life ;

And where it takes you

Thinking what will I Have?

What’s next?who’s with me? But that’s Something Else. Another poem I was working on…

I will be a writer and my books will be sold in-store and online.

If I Spend Time at My Favorite Auntie House, Then Maybe I Could Babysit and Stay Up All Night” Watching Movies. Just thinking “I’ve Learned so Much, From Different Character words and phrases. I loved movie’s I Felt a Connection to certain Emotions ,but “it’s just a movie I Would say” As I wiped Tears away before they melt into my cheeks like Butter on Toast. Hmm I would slightly chuckle ,at my inside humor who was always there to rescue me from Bleak moments.

Question:Who Hasn’t Felt the pain of “Mahogany?

“Diana Ross Did Great but I Was The Knew Coming out Queen! I Confided inside my Other World, so that my identity could remain sacred. I Had to Practice Character Building before My Peers and Family could see me.. The Real me

Finally when They Notice me, they’ll be prouder with loud Explosions of Excitement!

So while I worked up the courage to ask my Mom, If I could Stay at my Aunts. I Looked out my Room window just in time to see The Most “Beautiful Butterfly” Multiple colors hugged his wings Brightly Purple and Shimmering Midnight Blue.

I stood there for a moment before running out the door down the hall, to my mom’s Room.

I Thought “Although it’s been said that okay” maybe I Re -watched the Entire Collection seasons and Episodes of “SEXINTHECITY” ,but Honestly “Carrie Bradshaw” was the character written for me. I knew one thing and that was “I Had to Learn to have Character” was this stuff Really going to Help me in this world? I’m not sure but I became deft.

I was Destined for Something Great, Perhaps becoming someone Great!

Eventually like I Thought Majority of my Break I Babysat, and Studied.

My Aunts scent sometimes would follow me home “up my Nostrils.. I never comprehended How she would always Smell so delightful like a Rose Garden next to a Maple Tree!

My Cousin’s Were between 4 and 9 “ leaves me the oldest this year I would be Turning 14”.

Spring Break was absolutely perfect I Sang, and Danced, I Modeled also did some Acting. I was Ready for people to Support and Embrace my Fashion and my Beautiful mind and Spirit. In the other world I was Also Everyone’s councilor, but in this world I was only Mine. The Spring Time Breezed By, like Latenight chills in the Summer.

This summer I felt ready to do something knew. If I act like the other Boys in my neighborhood, I Felt that maybe ,I wouldn’t get called some of the horrible ,and terrible names. so even if that meant, I had to make a list of potential things that I would do to fit in. I was ready explanations didn’t matter.

People are mean and some of the family also, but I knew that if I wanted to change the way that people looked at me then I would have to do some stuff to blend with the other boys.

No one taught me how to stand up for myself. Guy’s were going around the classroom asking questions about sexuality and girls. I froze up and tried to go to the restroom before they came around to me, coming back into the class I heard snickers of laughter. Some guy shouted out he’s Gay! Feeling shyness coming over me. I just layed my head between my arms face down on my desk. I didn’t know things to say, when people called me those nasty words. Where does these names come from? Are they in the Dictionary? Why did I have to be different? Is this a Good normal thing? Probably not because the way I would feel was awful. I started writing and everything subsided as I entered into my Beautiful World of Love.

This year , Summer was all planned out I was going to get my first kiss.

Late July I found myself bundled in the hallway lenient towards my first kiss. Well, I needed Practice. I was getting taught how to kiss, by the guy who allegedly said “ this girl next door wanted to kiss me. So as I’m in the hallway, and this boy is leaning towards me, bringing his lips closer to mine, our lips mash together like applesauce in a babies mouth. I froze for a moment, as the time slowly faded away like a bird’s feather in the air . “I felt my whole body fall like a leaf in the middle of Autumn Pushing the Summer Away!

Why had I melted into him like the ice cream on top of a cone? Heart Thumping excitedly and Nervously Faster… hmm “Why did I want him to wrap his arms around me and kiss me some more. I wonder did he mean to kiss me that long? was this considered my first kiss? why wasn’t he moving? Why didn’t he push me away? how come his tongue Fell on top of mine like a red lollipop devoured by a kid with a sweet tooth? Was I any of those Slandering words People used to describe this lifestyle? Overwhelmed with thoughts as I ran down the staircase. Through the hallway I felt a slim breeze of Fresh air; Near the Door I fumbling while Delicately pushing it open. Thinking about that “kiss”.

I walked out the yard into my Fantasyland. As I Entered through the front door straight to the room I ran, and flopped on my bed. I buried my face into the pillow, like a peanut covered in milk chocolate, I melted in my bed. would he still, like me? although I Ran away? Was I supposed to just forget about this? Hhmm Memories last forever, forever the memory that lasts Inside my heart.

For weeks now I couldn’t help but think did I get robbed of my first kiss. Now I was curious because this boy was like me. So how come he didn’t look like me? He didn’t act like me, he didn’t even sound like me? Should I be like Him? I was maybe what some people consider a pretty boy! End of the Summer came with a surprise Kiss..

The next morning I heard Thump Thump! On My Door, My Mom’s Head Swings around my door “Didn’t you hear your Alarm Going Off! Get out of Bed Your Going to be late! It was the first day back at school ugh I was sick of feeling alone and left out, nobody really noticed me. People never took the time to ask or see the things I was interested in. People never got to see me perform like in my other Beautiful imagined World. This World was getting Tougher.

I was now 16 in the Fall time on my way home to make curfew. Subsequently Leaving and Yes you could say He was My First, “Boyfriend” I remember feeling like never Dancing alone after Dancing with him…Jacob was Passionate and Understanding. He loves Art and Building things.. Jokingly I said to him that “I was The Dance Studio and He Was My Music”… I Never wanted to leave his Room. He lived with his older Brother whom I admired the same as Jacob. This Late Thursday As I casually stroll across the basketball court through the Park, just across the field would depart to my block, I Heard some shouting there was some name-calling , before I could turn and look around, I fell and I Felt hit after hit … different parts of my body stung by whipped bruises it wasn’t soft or pleasant.

So as My heart is pounding, I was traumatized! yet I Had enough strength to shuffle to my knees , just in time to land on my feet ,and hop out of the way of a big 2 x 4 stick being swung towards my forehead. I aimed and sprayed mace It went all over the place with the Help of the wind. I watched as they gasped and I ran away after a Good kick to the groans of the guy who tried to hit me with the stick. I was deeply saddened by the thought (was all of this necessary for just a little Sparkly Boy.)

How did they know? Had I already revealed to the world who I was and had they not excepted my character ,my love ,my joy ,and beauty? did they not like the creative gifts I was? They Screamed Don’t walk Back around here! But This was also my Neighborhood, so should I tell my family, was there anyone who would stand up and defend me? when I tried to talk to them and understand what was the issue, they didn’t want to communicate with me. Although I’ve never seen them before a part of me felt like I would always see them…Would this make me shelter myself more? I sat alone in my room that Night. I wrote in my journal:

Thinking of life and where it takes you

Thinking what will I Have?

What’s next?

Who’s with me?

Who’s going to Love me?

Who will Care?

I’m Hurt but Also unable to cry

There’s so much and so many things,but I shouldn’t ask Why?

Thinking of life and where it Takes You..

One early afternoon , as my friends arrived on their bicycles in my front yard. I look back on the front porch and said to my mom, is it all right if I go grab my bike and ride with them. She says “yes ,but I would like you to step in the house ,because I have something to ask you.” I felt kind of strange because usually my mom is never home on the weekend ,but this particular day it seems as if she was standing there waiting for my arrival.” Saturday, no school I finished my homework and my friends were here to go bike riding.

“As I step to the screen door like a wrestler ready for his first match the door swing-shut behind me. If this was a game of “Charade “Id surely lose ,because I was clueless as to what she was going to ask me. No sign of smoke or even a clue on her face “straight poker status.” she started the conversation “I would like for you to be honest with me”, oh boy! was I thinking why wouldn’t I be honest with her she’s my mom ,but still not knowing what she was going to ask I was curious because my mom never really ask me questions.

Hhmm.

Okay so I lied, I couldn’t believe the question she asked, OMG “I was thinking to myself “what if she doesn’t likes me anymore. Should I tell her? she said I could Trust her… What if she doesn’t want to be my mom anymore my dad isn’t really here so now I would really be a bastard little Sparkly boy… Things has really gotten deep. How was I going to get this world to see me as “Fabulous”and “Fun” also “Intelligent, and“Creative”. Confiding in This Journey Riding through Different neighborhood’s on Our Bikes Was Enough space and Time to think of other ways to go about this situation. I would have to act fast.

This Year was Very Difficult and I’ll Say why! Maybe Because I just Turned 17 (I didn’t get to celebrate)because My Grades weren’t better than C Average.. I’ve Really Been distracted lately. I imagined that It would be Great to be surrounded by People like me! The other Sparkly Boys and Girls.

I had really grew up in my beautiful Imaginated world . They were Loving the Bold me! It didn’t matter,what People Feel about me.. In This World my Head was Always High! There was Always Glitter Kisses and Candy Apple words to share with each other.

I was Inspired to Grow and Take Charge ,in my Beautiful Sacred World..but I Needed Them To Collide. Like Beauty and The Beast. A paradigm. I felt That I Needed someone to Help me Explain To my Family and Peers,Who I was and proper generosity! Sticking it out and choosing to lead by example, I learned and Expressed more of who I was as a Person. Slowly Getting Better Everyday!

So when I finally Revealed my True self and Told My Family All The Layers of Color that were added to Me ,They laughed and made Fun of me. I had just been Truthful about a secret I Kept sacred for years, they abandoned me, now I was Desolate and alone… just thinking If I Gave Purple Kisses in my Fantasy World they wouldn’t Despise me; But In Reality, we’ll real life. These people looked at me like Dispicable me. My Mom and Family Standing across from Me. Just Stares and silence was What I Remember and also a few Heads Turned Away… Feeling like the Black Sheep had Just got Worse!

I Tried to keep my Hurt To Myself… So Running in my room and hopes to escape the Sensibility I started writing in my journal : What Should I Do?

Who’s there to Talk to?

Where can I go, when I Run out of places to Hide?

Who’s Loving me?

Now it’s Time for me to face Reality..

Who am I to Trust?

I don’t know what to do?

My back is against the wall, I’m Steady praying to the Lord

I know he’s going to help me Through;

I have to calm down and stop my mind from racing…This is the story of a Boy Growing and Embracing Fear and also learning his Power of Love…

I’ll Never understand, why Did They Leave my Heart on the Mat for me? I picked it up and put it away..safely locked away with a Heart shaped locket! Down the Street around a few corners.. With Tears Streaming down my Cheeks I kept walking with no intentions of Ever Returning..

I Will not Forever be That Little Sparkly Boy? I'll Grow and Rise like a Phoenix!

Jacob was Standing on the porch. I ran into his arms leaving a puddle of tears on his shirt as I rested my head on his chest.