Jacob and the Pear Tree

Jacob saw a light.

He went to it, knowing full well what it meant. He felt wrapped in joy, a warmth he hadn't known since he was born.

And when all that was over, he was in a waiting room, like a dentist’s office, but bigger. The color palette was everything he imagined it would be. Lots of whites, punctuated with the easy pastels that screamed pleasantness. Just like God would have wanted.

The only thing clashing was the other person in the room. His skin was the roughness and color of bark, and his hair had a light-green quality.

"Welcome to the afterlife Jacob. You may call me Pinus," the strange man with bark-like skin said.

"I'm dead? Wow, I guess sitting does kill," Jacob said.

"Yes, it was boring to watch. Now, please do not be afraid," Pinus replied.

"I'm not. No, not at all, good angel. I've led my entire life for Him, and I know with every fiber of myself god loved me."

"Okay there. Getting a little weird. Let me check the numbers, and you can go ahead and tone it down a bit."

"I'm sorry, sir."

Pinus went to the front of the room and sat behind a pink colored desk. He started typing on a computer. Heaven used Apple.

Jacob took the opportunity to look out the nearest window. He saw a redwood forest complete with ferns and rolling fog. The kind of forest with fairies and dwarves hiding behind mushrooms.

Of course, Jacob didn't believe in fairies or anything else that was not specifically mentioned by the bible and his local pastor. He once burned a trilogy of the Lord of the Rings to prove his devotion.

This wasn't Jacob’s exact vision of heaven, but he would never question the creation of God or His judgement. That's why I belonged here, Jacob thought.

"Nope," Pinus said after checking the spreadsheet.

"What?"

"You said you belong here. You don't. No, it appears you're destined for the third level of hell. Not the worst, but not great. Mild torture on Saturday, your eternal labor is explaining excel to senior citizens over the phone and every morning starts with a two-hour PowerPoint on HR policy. How unfortunate."

"Wait, wait, wait. I did everything. Everything! I followed the ten commandments. I tithed. I did missionary work in Somalia."

"Okay Mr. Serious. Well, I don't know any of those words. But how much poop did you make?"

Jacob did not know how to answer the question.

"I don't expect you to have an exact number, of course. Just, did you endeavor to produce as much feces as possible?" Pinus asked.

"Is there another angel I can talk to?"

"I'm afraid not."

"What does poop have to do with anything?"

"What did you think the meaning of your life was, silly billy?"

"To live for God."

"Yes... By making poop."

"What about living a good and blessed life? To be moral and kind?"

Pinus laughed. It didn't matter how many times he heard humans' ridiculous theories on the meaning of their lives, they always brought a smile to his face.

"I don't know even know what that means? Who would judge what's good?"

"You!"

"No thanks, I'll stick with poop. Nice and easy."

"God is testing me, right?"

"I'm afraid not."

Pinus went back to his computer. He used the controls to unveil a large screen above him and then brought up Jacob's poop score, 42,377.

"This is your poop score," Pinus explained.

"What... Is that supposed to be how many pounds of poop I made in my life?"

"We're metric. But no. That'd be too simple. Afterall, you died at 45. I don't expect you to out-produce an 80-year-old. That'd be as silly as your morality thing."

"And so, this is low?"

"Oh my yes. The famous poopers are all over 200,000. Jill Limbergh. Reza Ahadi. And, of course, the caveman, Ooourg, the greatest human who ever lived. Poop-wise."

"What about the great humanitarians of the world?"

"Like who?"

"Mother Teresa. Saint Michael. Schindler."

"If you're just going say random names I can't answer."

"Mahatma Gandhi."

"Oh, he's in hell. Big time."

"What about Jesus Christ?"

"Oh. Jesus. Yes, my word, of course," Pinus said before returning to the computer.

On the screen, Pinus brought up a list of the top ten poopers in history, including Jill, Reza and Ooourg. Jesus was six, 279,231.

"He's no Ooourg, but..."

"He's here? In heaven?"

"Yes. He ate a lot of apples. Rich in fiber."

"But what about his teachings, his impact on humanity?"

"Well, I don't know about his hobbies."

"He was the son of God!"

Pinus laughed again. "That's impossible. God is a tree."

"A tree?

"A majestic pear tree, whose fruit bore the wisdom and self-awareness you human's value so highly. As you can imagine, It's in constant need of fertilizer."

Jacob fell to his knees. "The garden of Eden, the apple, original sin."

"Pear. It is a pear tree," Pinus said and then chuckled to himself, "But I suppose that's hardly the worst error in that little book of yours."

Pinus walked to a lever in the corner of the room.

"Well, I suppose it's time to wrap this up. Do you have any more questions? After I pull this lever, that's it. Hell time. Do you want to hear your urine score?"

"Will it save me from hell?"

"No, it's interesting though."

"My life was a lie. Everything I did. All my work! It was for nothing."

For the first time in their brief relationship, Pinus seemed to genuinely pity Jacob. He stepped away from the lever.

"I'm sorry to hear that. I'm afraid I don't know much about non-fecal related subjects. Was it difficult?"

"Yes. I made a lot of sacrifices for my faith. I never drank, never smoked. I poured hours into studying the bible. It was probably sacrilege reading a paper book."

"Oh yes. Book publishers, lumberjacks and vegetarians rot in hell."

"Figures."

"What did you learn from such long hours of studying the bible?"

"Everything. I learned the rules to live a good life, what was expected of me as a moral person. I learned what gave life meaning, like being kind, generous, and compassionate."

"And by following these rules, you thought you'd end up in heaven?"

"Yes."

"So, really, you did it for yourself."

"What?"

"When you first came here, you said you lived your life for It, or Him, but if there was a promise of reward, especially a great reward like heaven, you more likely did it simply for yourself."

"That's not right."

"You don't seem to like my metrics, but I see you can do math. You knew a life of sacrifice was worth an eternity of bliss. You never did good for goodness's sake, did you?"

"Of course, I did."

"But just now you said your work was for nothing. You never truly cared. You never truly loved and gave with a pure heart. It was all for the promise of reward!"

"No!"

Suddenly, Pinus seemed taller, darker. Twigs grew from his face, looking like a monster's teeth before devouring the kill.

"...Did it even occur to you to ask about your wife and children on Earth? That simple act of concern for others, that's all it would have taken to go to heaven."

Tears burst from Jacob's eyes. He curled up at Pinus's roots.

"You're right. I was selfish. I only cared about myself! This entire time, I only cared about myself. But I can change. I swear I can change!" Jacob screamed.

Pinus chuckled and walked back over to the lever.

"Relax, I was just kidding. Heaven's not about good or evil, it's just the poop thing. Duh. Okay, well, goodbye forever."

Pinus pulled the lever.