I Dream Of You In The Night

It's been five years since you passed away, and I have had the same dream every night.

We sit up here on the ledge surrounded by candlelight. You wrap your arms around me, and say "I love you," then you kiss me, and you are gone.

It is always the same theme every night.

The same theme that happened five years ago, the night you left me standing on this ledge alone and in tears.

The night you said goodbye.

I never found out why you had to leave; maybe this dream could be telling me that it is time to let go, but how can I when I still love you as though we were still together today?

You tell me that you love me every night in this dream, so we were meant to be together, and you told me in a dream tonight too.

I sit up in my bed, clutching a photograph of myself and Craig. I am wearing a beautiful, long cream coat, and he is wearing the usual black suit. He has his arms around me.

This was the day before we were supposed to be married. It was the last time we ever spent together.

I spend most of the night crying myself to sleep. It is the only way I know I can fall asleep, but 3:00 A.M. comes, and I find myself sitting on the same ledge with Craig.

I do not know whether I am asleep or awake. All I know is we are here, embraced in each other's arms sitting on this ledge, kissing and whispering I love you to each other. I can smell the same woody aftershave you always wear, and I can feel the warmth of your breath warming my neck as you plant soft kisses there.

Is this real?

The doctors pronounced you dead at 3:A.M. on a Monday morning, five years ago. Maybe they were lying to me. Maybe this isn't a dream at all, and we are sitting on this ledge cuddling, kissing, and looking into each other's eyes. Aren't we supposed to be getting married in the morning? I am sure we are celebrating our last night as boyfriend and girlfriend. I am looking forward to being your wife. I need you by my side forever, I long for you to spend the rest of your life with me.

"I love you," I say to Craig.

"I love you too," he tells me, holding me a little tighter.

We stare deep into each other's eyes, and then I ask him, "Are we still getting married tomorrow?

He holds my chin and kisses me deeply. I feel the soft, warm, flesh of his lips on mine, and the warm, muscular feeling of his arms as they curve around my waist.

"I love you," he tells me, then he is gone.

I do not know where he went. There was no trace of him leaving me. He was standing in a passionate embrace with me one minute, and in the next, he disappeared.

I wake up in my bed, clutching the last picture of myself and Craig. I pick up the phone and dial his number, but the number no longer exists.

I sit in silence trying to recollect the events of last night.

I know Craig was with me, but where is he now? He always picks up the phone when I call.

I franticly punch his number into the phone, but still, the number is unknown.

I give up.

I slam the phone down, then I roll over and cry into Fluffy, which is the name of the last teddy that Craig left me.

I do not know what I have done wrong to make him leave.

I stare at the photograph, still in my hands, then I remember something.

My beloved Craig died five years ago.

I can't accept it.

I convince myself he is still alive.

I decided to call Jane, Craig's sister. She is my closest friend, and she might be able to tell me where Craig is.

Jane tells me to pop around to hers for a chat.

I do as she says.

"Shall we take a walk through the graveyard as we always do for our chats?" She asks, smiling but looking concerned at the same time.

"Sure," I agree.

The graveyard is comforting to me when I am upset. I find it gives me a feeling of mental peace when I walk through there.

As we walk, I come across a gravestone that has a familiar name carved into it.

CRAIG PEARLING,

I skip the rest and focus my eyes on the date of death.

SADLY PASSED AWAY ON 25/7/2020.

I stare in shock, then I burst into tears. Jane puts her arm around me, attempting to comfort me.

"He is alive, Jane. He always sits with me at 300: A.M. every morning." I tell her.

"He's gone, Leanne. He's gone!" Jane tells me in tears.

I realized that it was just a dream.

I have been longing for Craig to come back for a long time. I was never able to accept his death.

Grief does that, especially when it is someone who you love dearly. You try to wish them back, and you act as if they are still alive. There is no place for anyone in your heart, not even yourself.

I realize that I will never get over Craig's death.

I tell Jane about the dream, and we conclude that Craig's ghost is visiting me every night, telling me that it is time to say goodbye.

I know I have to, so that I can move forward, but,

I am not ready, and I don't think I ever will be.

I got married today, but I don't think I wanted it. I only married to take the loneliness, and the empty feelings away. I still see Craig in my dreams, telling me the same words.

Maybe I will see him every night. If that is how it has to be, then I will let it be.

My dream may tell me that it is time to let go, but,

I'm not ready yet...