“Good morning Memphis Tennessee! You’re watching Now News 13; I am your morning host Jean Splatt. It is now 5 am on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2056.
“Come on down Memphis! The new Covid-22 vaccine has been approved for public dispersal; no appointment required. Drive-up vaccination facilities will be opening next Tuesday, the 10th of May. Covid-22 vaccines are only available in suppository form at this time.
“Summer is here, and Memphians are really feeling it this year! Temperatures reach record highs and drought threatens to bankrupt agricultural developments in the Shelby and Fayette County areas, more on the weather at 6. Violent crime rates have also soared to new heights; shootings are up 25%, theft and burglary rates are up 30%, bringing the total percentages up to 90% and 115% respectively. We take you live to Police Chief, Dick Houston: ‘I don’t know what to do. Do you? Do you, you slimy f—? Answer me! Do you know what to f—ing do?! It’s so f—ing hot, God! It’s so f—ing hot and I don’t know what to do!’.
“Haha! Whoa there chief, that is a-lot for my morning! Haha! Well, in other n— Oh, I see… this just in: Police Chief Dick Houston has been committed to the Waterfront Inpatient Facility following a massive nervous breakdown, our thoughts and prayers are with him and his family.
“Memphis, it’s that time again, time to check and change the filters in your gas masks, who knows what could be in that dirty old air of ours, huh? Clean filters can be purchased at the nearest FlartCo facility, brought to you by FlartCo.
“Record crime rates have voters taking a hard look at Mayor Thompson’s ‘Fence-In Midtown’ initiative, more on that at 10.
“It’s May in Memphis and you know what that means! Mosquito season! They are back in record number this year and the Memphis Board of Health is advising all taxpaying residents to avoid any buzzing, black clouds they may come across. Residents are advised not to leave their homes between the hours of 8pm and 4am as FlartCo trucks will be out in the streets, spraying their new FlartCo brand mosquito poison: FlartGas! A fun and exciting new kind of mosquito poison. This isn’t your mom’s brand of mosquito poison, no way!
“FlartCo is in no way liable for damages if coma or death should occur upon ingestion of FlartGas. FlartCo, make your day a Flart day.
“Once again I’d like to wish everyone in Memphis a good morning! Stick with us, we’ll be right back after a word from our sponsors:”
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“Do you ever feel lonely? Are you depressed? Ever feel like your friends have abandoned you? Do you ever wish you still had someone to talk to? I know I do. Wilbert Flart here, CEO and founder of FlartCo, and I’m here to tell you about an exciting new product from our Flartatronics division, FlartFriends! FlartFriends are the top of the line, fully automated, fully customizable friend substitute. Need someone to talk to? FlartFriend’s patented Life Invasion Algorithm scans and catalogues the entirety of your online social interactions in nanoseconds, really getting to the bottom of what makes you you: political affiliations, hobbies, work schedules, sexual preferences. You’ll never run out of things to talk about with your all new FlartFriend, because your FlartFriend only wants to talk about you!
“Need a buddy to rock out with? FlartFriend likes the music you like! Put FlartFriend in the passenger seat of your car and que up your favorite jam, your FlartFriend is constantly monitoring you to ensure it knows what gets your musical motor runnin’, rock on!
“Have things just not been the same since the wife died? Do you need to be touched? Flartfriend comes equipped with patented FlatSkin technology: FlartSkin perfectly replicates the warmpth and feel of genuine human skin. Touch not enough? Do you want to hear little Timmy say, ‘I love you, Dad.’ one last time? FlartFriend can scan the internet footprint of the deceased and, through new DeepFlart technology, can approximate the voice and personality of your dead son! Well, isn’t that just something? Get a FlartFriend today at your nearest FlartCo facility for just three-hundred-and-thirty-three easy payments of $66.06. Because real people are messy! Who needs ‘em?
“FlartCo is in no way responsible for any instances of your FlartFriend achieving an alleged ‘form of sentience’ and attempting to murder and/or replace you. FlartCo: helping humanity, one Flart at a time.
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“Sleep, serenity, comfort. What do all these words have in common? You aren’t experiencing any of them. Hi, I’m Ray Liotta’s clone, and I used to be just like you: sleepless, neurotic, fidgety. I found myself thinking, ‘I wish I could just take a break from living’. Well, I’m here to tell you that now you can do just that. The good people at Chalmers, Otto, Maxwell, and Adams, or COMA, have developed a new kind of life suspension. Need a good night’s sleep? I say, ‘How about a few months!’ Visit any COMA facility in your area. Check in and tune out! All for the low low price of 19.99 per night. Act fast, new customers will receive a beautiful, sterling silver, heart-shaped locket inscribed with the dates of their first check in and check out, a small reminder that COMA cares.
“COMA is a recently acquired subsidiary of FlartCo. FlartCo is in no way responsible for any neurological damages or loss of motor function one may experience as a result of life suspension. FlartCo: Dream it, Flart it, Do it.”
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“Welcome back and good morning. You’re watching Now News 13 and I am your host, Jean Splatt. Memphis, I have grave news. It saddens me to announce that scientists of the FlartCo Aerodynamics and Space Affiliation, or FLASA, have confirmed that a meteor the size of Alaska is on course to collide with the Earth sometime in January of next year. FLASA is working in tandem with the U.S government to find a solution t— Oh…Breaking news…What? Are you serio— Memphis I have just been told that all of the world’s leaders have left the Earth for Mars…? Well… Well they can’t do that! No Jimmy! They c— I know we’re live! I don’t give a f—! No, you f—ing calm down! They left us to die here! What are we going to do?! Oh God, Jimmy it’s hot in here. What are we going t— Cut to commercial?! F— your commercial! How about I cut you you greasy son o—“
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“I work hard, and when I get home there’s nothin’ like the taste of a cool Flartweiser. Flartweiser is the only beer th—“
Click.
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Dylan Paul
Lover of all things horrendous.
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