Empty Thoughts

I stared at the ceiling. The darkness surrounding me as the clock continued to tick on. Another day has passed by and still I couldn’t sleep. But I didn’t have the energy to do anything else.

My body refused to lift itself. My eyes refused to close. And I felt nothing. I knew I should have felt something, but there was a hole where the emotions should have been. I could have been exhausted from the lack of sleep and the constant need of a 9-5. I should have been sad. Sad that the degree that hung on my wall ment nothing now. That despite doing everything they ever told me to do as a child… life felt pointless now. I could have even felt angry. Angry at the state of this world, of society. But ultimately, I didn’t. Not any more.

So I stared at the ceiling and wondered. What was the point? At some point I must have closed my eyes and drifted into some version of sleep. But it didn’t matter.

My body fought with my brain as I spend the first hour of my morning trying to get out of bed. Each limb felt weight down as though someone had filled my blood with lead. Even my nose was rebelling. I couldn’t breathe and no matter how hard I blew, the phantom congestion would hold on for dear life.

Come on girl! I thought. Gotta get that mask on. If my company even smelled the hint of mental illness. I’d risk a visit from HR. Lord forbid someone be sad! I mean my whole life was suppose to be dedicated to helping people… because I cared! Retail would tell you that. They’d also use the whole, were a family. But if we really were a family it was disfuncional. But no one was suppose to actually point it out.

No if I showed up with even a hair out of place and not done up like a Barbie doll. Then they’d label me tired. But if I did that more than once I was lazy. It’s funny the things they’ll tell you. But when you here it enough times, you start to believe it. So I got up three hours before work. Every day. So I could battle my body out of bed. Freshen up and put on my day time mask. Jewellery included.

It was motions and steps. Step a to step b. I dragged myself to to the fridge.

‘Shit’

The shelves held a half empty milk jug that was starting to smell. And a wrinkly looking apple amount random bottles of dressings. I wasn’t really hungry, I guess.

It was time to bundle up and head out. I glanced briefly out the window. It was snowing, again. Hat, scarf, mitts…. My mitts have a hole in them. I sighed. Another thing I’d forgotten to replace. But what was minor frost bite. Next step. Out the door and lock up. Even if there was nothing important to keep locked up. It was all just junk in there.

My feet sunk into the few inches of snow already on the sidewalk. The bus stop was ten mintues away and my finger was already cold. I stuffed my hands in my pockets. Maybe I’d fall down into the snow. I wouldn’t be able to catch myself with my hands in my pockets. Could one even drowned in an inch of snow?

My bus was late. I swiped the card and smiled at Norman. “Morning Lara.” He nodded. Even though I’d be on the bus for the next half an hour. That was the most of our conversation. I watched the houses blur together as the bus picked up speed. Time did that funny thing again, I blinked and I was there.

I waved to Norman as I got off at my stop. Joining the crowd of other bundled up zombies. I went to work. I rode the bus home. And yet again I didn’t stop to think about groceries. Time just didn’t stop enough, and it was gone.

The darkness came back in. As I looked at the ceiling. It wasn’t saying anything to me. Not now. All the problems we’d stacked up were still piled up in the back of my brain. There wasn’t room for any more. The lead in my blood was settling into the bed again. Sinking deeper down into the mattress. And the ceiling still loomed above me. The white popcorn dots unblinking back at me. I should have been exhausted.

But there was only the darkness. And at some point. I must have closed my eyes.