Because You Will Only Ever See Me As A Villain, I Am Taking Myself Out Of The Narrative

I have been written as the villain in your story for so long that I have just decided that I will act like it. I will become every bit the selfish, narcissistic, direspectful asshole that you think I am. No longer will I allow you to just write my story for me.

You think that you can take the pen out of my hand as I am just beginning to find out that I can write a new and better path for myself and write me as the villain to your story because you are so insecure that you are the villain for others.

First of all, that should not even matter.

You should not have to make me a villain because you see yourself being written out of the narrative for others who you once called friends. Then you turn around and complain to me that they never treated you that way in the first place. You should be grateful that they cut the ties because I have found those that see themselves as the hero and everyone else are the side characters that they do not taken kindly to be taken out of the narrative of others. They can take you out, but you cannot take them out. It is biased and unfair but that should not matter.

They never deserved to have someone as loyal as you in their narrative. That comes with the territory of being cast as a sidekick that is their for comedic effect. They get some good moments and recognition. Others say that they deserve better but never the characters in the direct storyline.

For some reason they are too busy to get the memo. It is just the by-product of not taking the pen out of someone else's hand and taking back your power to write the story.

I am just learning that lesson.

Second of all, you have no right to take away my own pen as I continue to write my story.

I have started to see a worth in taking control of my narrative. I am looking for my redemption. I have been learning and growing. I am reaching for a better plotline and you as an outside influence think you have a write to assign me my destiny. I write the words and you cross them out.

I got news for you.

The words are not erased. They are permanently embedded in the parchment of life and whether or not you refuse to see the words for some sense of control of your own narrative than that is your issue. I will not be hampered by someone who should want a better story for someone once labeled 'villain'.

You claim you do want better for me. Then let me write. These scribbles though shaky will become strong strokes over time, with practice and care. The sentences, though choppy and with too many commas, will form a story worth telling. The stains left by tears or erase markings will continue to tell the strength found in the struggle.

Even if you cross out all I have written my story will still be here.

Third, I refuse to be the villain and the only bad guy in your story.

If that means taking myself out of the narrative then I guess this is goodbye. I refuse to be this person that you claim I am. I will never convince you because your eyes and mind perceive a time that is long gone.

Yes there was a time when I claimed the title 'monster', 'villain', and 'freak.'

There was a time I deserved it. Now I am not. I have gotten better and you seem to only focus on the bad parts of our interaction, you reference things that I used as excuses months ago and seem to think it is only days, you keep saying things that you should do because you do not deserve the treatment, I tell you to do it but you never follow through.

What do you say instead?

You keep reminding me. I would tell you that it hurts and that yeah it brings out the worst response in me because I am tired of being reminded every single time we talk, but you will never hear. I have tried, but it just never seems to reach you.

So I write. This is me writing myself out of your narrative and starting a new one for me. I have been away from writing, content creation, and life for months trying to figure out how I fit into the world and that is just not how life is. I have come to find out that it is my journey to find out.

I need to go my own way, try new things, find a way to express myself. For years I have allowed myself to be stagnant in the wrong frame of mind and allowed life to pass me by. I never tried new things. I never committed to other things because I thought that people my age needed to be further along and I was just on a constant cycle of blaming myself, holding myself back, being selfish, vent realizations all on a constant loop. Not to mention constantly bitching other people out.

Praise God I found a break in it and now I am starting to see life for what it is. Now I am taking a new narrative. I am improving my state of mind so that I could be better for those I have written into my narrative.

You know what?

That includes you. I know it may never seem like it from the version that you are seeing in the one that you are writing but it is. I will never take you out of my narrative. We have been through too much but I will step back and I will take myself out of the inner sphere if that is all you can see of me right now.

For myself. For you, I am taking myself out now. May this not be the final line of our story. I hope this finds you well. You have my love and you have my thoughts and prayers.

I will see you in a new narrative, but first we need to go through the editing stage separately.

Goodbye. See you soon!