Always Watching

Fact 1: I'm terrified of barn owls.

My mom is obsessed with them. She has dozens of tiny ceramic owls scattered throughout the house. They're even in the bathroom! My mom says barn owls can spot kids doing what they're not supposed to and they screech when they catch you. They could have the decency to give a quiet hoot but no, they choose to screech your sins to the world. I haven't been brave enough to test this, but I'm hypothesizing that may be a myth. Still, too scared to see.

When I was six, I started hanging out in our barn-owl-free shed. It was a small room with a couch, tv, gaming consoles, and did I mention NO barn owls?

I think the owls in the house did a good job of raising me to be a good kid for a while. I never really got into any trouble because I didn't have any friends to get in trouble with. It was just me, mom, and the tiny bird statues.

Fact 2: Barn owls don't have eyeballs. Instead they have cylindrical tubes that hold their judging eyes in place, which is further proof they they came straight from hell.

I was ten when I made my first friend. I met him in when I was at a gas station during a bike ride.

"Hey, kid! Got any money?" Stevie was tall, fat, and had red hair. He bullied the other kids in my class and I was sure I was getting robbed. Where were the barn owls when I needed them? Should I start screeching? I pulled my pockets inside out to show him that he could trust me when I said no.

"I'm sorry, Stevie. I only had enough money to buy a water. Do you want my water?"

Stevie smiled. "What's your name, kid?"

"E-edgar," I stammered. "We go to school together."

"What kind of a fuckin' name is Edgar? You 80 years old?"

"I'm ten," I said, realizing death was no longer imminent.

"Well I ain't got any money, either, Eddy. But I'm hungry. What do you think I should do about that?" Steve had an intimidating grin and I wasn't sure how to handle it.

"My Mama makes really good sandwiches. You can come over if you want." Then I realized what I had said. Mama? Way to sound like a little kid, Edgar.

"I'm not feeling sandwiches," Eddy laughed. "I think I want something from in there." He pointed to the gas station.

"But... we don't have money." I was thoroughly confused.

"Let's borrow some food. We'll pay it back later." Stevie was asking me to steal. I had never stolen in my life. What would my mom think? What would the barn owls think? But then again, neither of them were there and I desperately wanted to both make a friend and not get murdered.

We casually walked in and I distracted the cashier while Stevie stuffed loads of Oreos, Pringles, and gum in his backpack. I bade the cashier farewell and we started to walk out the door.

"HEY! KIDS! GET BACK HERE!" We had been caught.

I didn't have the time to think before Stevie grabbed my bike and told me to take us to my house. We zoomed out of the parking lot before the cashier reached the door. My heart was racing. Had I just done something... bad? Why did it feel so fun?

I took us to my house and we unloaded the loot in my shed. We stuffed everything under the couch so my mom wouldn't find it. When our hearts slowed and the thrill died down, we laughed.

From the corner of my eye I caught something standing outside the window of the shed. A real, live barn owl stared back at me. Unmoving, unblinking, unwavering. It didn't screech, but I could see in its eyes that it wasn't going to let me live this down.

I confessed to my mom the next day.

Fact 3: Barn owls usually only live for a few years, but can live to be older than 30 in captivity.

Stevie and I grew to be really close. We were pals, but that never quite made me less afraid of him. He was a menace, and therefore, I was a menace by proxy.

When I was fifteen, Stevie came over with weed. He had tried it before but I had chickened out every other time. I coughed for a straight fifteen minutes after my first hit. Ten minutes later, I felt its full effects.

"Stevie, I think we need to go to the hospital. I think I might be dying." I spread my arms and legs across the couch, let the tingling on my face spread across my body, and prepared for certain death.

"You can't die from weed, you fuckin' square."

"I'm not sure, Stevie. It was nice knowing you." I fell out of consciousness for the next four hours and woke up to find I had taken a nap and had not, in fact, died. Stevie had left. I still felt pretty dizzy but I needed water more than I had in my entire life.

As I stood up and immediately fell back down, I saw a barn owl in the window. Unmoving, unblinking, unwavering.

My mom found out before I ever had to tell her.

Fact 4: Barn owls will always win staring contests, or at least this one did.

I was nineteen when I had my first girlfriend. She was a nerdy, quiet girl who didn't get into much trouble. Mom had banned Stevie from ever coming over after the weed incident, so Tasha was the only friend I really had.

I still lived with my mom and she had strict rules. No texting after 10pm. No girls in the shed with the door closed. No kissing. No overnight stays.

Naturally, I snuck Tasha in as often as possible. Eventually, things got serious. The first night she stayed overnight was the night we both lost our virginity. It was magical. Well, at first it was.

I got up after we went to sleep so I could pee and get some water. When I looked out the window, the owl was there. Unmoving, unblinking, unwavering.

I had HAD it. I grabbed a ladder, climbed the tree, and got all the way up to the branch where it was perched. As I shook the branch in anger, I lost my balance. Both the bird and myself fell fifteen feet to the ground. I was fine, but to my horror, the bird shattered to pieces. Ceramic pieces. The fucker had been fake the whole time. Mom heard the commotion, found Tasha, and screamed at her to leave. I never saw her again.

Fact 5: Barn owls try to keep the same mate for life.

I was 25 when I finally moved out, got a real job, and found the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my days with. Keisha was way out of my league and oddly eager to be with me. Jackpot.

One day she mentioned out of the blue that she loved me, but she felt like we needed to know more about each other if we planned to get married.

"Y'know, just the little things," Keisha blushed. "Like, what's your favorite movie?"

"Die Hard," I answered with a mighty quickness. "What's your favorite TV series," I asked back.

"The Office," she giggled. "What's your least favorite food?"

I had to think about this one. "Hmmm, probably eggplant. What's your favorite animal?"

"Ooh, that's an easy one. Barn owls," Keisha replied.