A weekend dream in the snow

I drove up the snowy, winding road towards the cozy A-frame cabin. I could see the glow of the fire inside that flickered off the window ledges. I drove all night to be here, with little time to stay.

It’s the season for purple snow back home, up and down the streets, a purple array of flowers wherever you look. My favourite time of year since I was little and I would count the jacaranda trees I saw with my little brother. We would get up to the hundreds every year. The weather is hot and sticky and the decorations for Christmas are coming up everywhere but still to this day each year I look forward to the purple snow.

But here tonight, there is white snow for miles and it blends away the horizon so all I see is blank. Stark white blank space, like clouds in heaven, seems fitting considering why I am here.

The way up the driveway to the cabin was long, made longer by how long I had been waiting to be here. It’s like looking up at the stars every night but never being able to reach them or holding onto a snowflake only to find it melted away. But today I am here, trudging through the snow and crisp air in only my flip flops and a dress. I could smell damp pine trees as I walked across a blanket of snow, I was at ease with how quiet it was here. Like silent graceful angels the snow flew towards the ground in flurries yet landed elegantly in silence. I passed the garden beds where beautiful Peace Lillys, mini Orchids and baby blue Hydrangeas grow. I should suggest some jacaranda trees and cherry blossoms for my next weekend visit, perhaps some red roses to represent me. I’m sure anything can grow here, it is after all my Dad’s new garden.

He greeted me as I stepped on the porch, hearing him call me Darling and tell me he had missed me broke my heart further and made me realise it wasn’t completely broken already. Despite the cabin being new, it still felt just like home. Enormous comfy couches on the porch, cause outside air was always his preference. I doubt I’ll remember what we say to each other. It isn’t that kind of moment. My heart aches hearing his gruff voice again. It’s only been 7 months since I farewelled him from the world and yet miles between us keeping us so far apart made me wish my heart had wings.

In the midst of feeling so light headed- I heard the laugh that I have missed even in my dreams now for over 8 years, feels like an eternity. My breathe caught in my throat and I scarcely was able to move. There across from me was my Poppy making my little brother laugh. I don’t know how I made it this long without them, I can only assume it was my Dad that got me through the years. They say time heals all wounds, but all these years and I still miss them like I lost them only yesterday.

The knowing smile on my brothers face at finally being able to stand before me again made me realise that he has been standing beside me all along and I just couldn’t see him. The best thing of all was the truth in his eyes that let me know he had forgiven me for not catching him that last time.

As the sun approaches and sets the white snow ablaze in orange flames of colour, we catch up and remember how it feels to be at home again. I really missed how much they made me laugh by just being themselves. Acoustic music fills the air bringing with it bitter sweet memories of laughter, song lyrics and cups of tea. A couple of days together or only a few moments, all pass the same in the aftermath of grief.

There he was, my Dad, the strongest man I know, sitting against a canvas of orange snow at peace finally with his Father, his Son and for a few short moments - his Daughter too. It wasn’t all of our family, but it was how we started in the beginning. We were the pillars.

Dad pulls me closer now as the light dies down from the fire place and whispers quietly to me -

“You can’t stay here Darling, it’s not your time. You don’t have to go home yet- but you can’t stay here much longer- it’s closing time. You need to wake up Darling and go and kiss those grandkids of mine a very merry Christmas.”

Driving away from the A-frame cabin of orange and white snow, I see a silhouette of 3 strong men and a purple hue began to shadow the driveway and red roses bloomed in my rear view mirror.