A War of Likes and Follows

“Hey everybody, welcome to a special, live edition of the Mel and Mel Social Watch Podcast. I’m Melvil-”

“- And I’m Melton-”

“-But you can just call us Mel.”

“Yeah, we’re both Mel, it don’t matter.”

“Certainly, there are more contentious things to be discussed.”

“That’s right, Mel, and we could talk about the continued worldwide collapse of society since the war-”

“Sure.”

“- but let’s not kid ourselves about what our listeners are here for.”

“The reason we’re doing this live.”

“Yes, we’re talking about the recent drama between Levianne and Meat Candy.”

“Very recent – still happening, in fact. But, for the maybe three listeners here looking for coverage on an ongoing situation that they’ve heard nothing about, how about a quick recap, Mel?”

“It’s a pretty classic tale, actually. Think Romeo and Juliet, but between two age appropriate influencers.”

“And those names again are Levianne - she/her - and Meat Candy - He/they.”

“Levianne first hit the scene in 2027 and quickly gained a following in the gaming community through her consistent streaming of first-person shooters. She later employed her celebrity to promote societal changes she feels passionately about. Most notably: the free use of cannabis and a full vegan lifestyle.”

“And Meat Candy has been around for even longer, using his charm and comedic sensibilities to put together easy how-to videos for people new to the kitchen. His videos often take the time to remind viewers how important a balanced diet is. His name is a reference to his trade marked bacon dish.”

“Wow, a vegan and a meat man! I’ll bet that romance went swimmingly.”

“Well, it didn’t, Mel. At least, not for longer than a honey moon phase. The two were first introduced when several overlapping fans began to post memes shipping them together – most likely for the ironic value.”

“Somehow, the match seemed to work in the eyes of the public, and so they gave it the old college try.”

“For two weeks.”

“Who tried to change who, though? Since the break up, both have insisted to their collective followers that it was the other who couldn’t look past the differing life philosophies.”

“What started as a string of passive aggressive posts and comments on each other’s feeds became far less subtle as the days went on. Many of their fans have already chosen their sides, but there’s an impressive amount who seem to be yet undecided.”

“Gosh, I hate it when divorce divides the whole family, Mel.”

“It’s sad, but it happens, Mel. After weeks of online feuding, though, the two did finally come to an agreement just this morning.”

“A truce?”

“Nope! Since it doesn’t seem like petty online squabbles are getting anywhere, they’ve decided to settle things tonight, in person, like adults.”

“It’s an old fashioned street brawl, baby!”

“That’s right! Both influencers have amassed their armies and are marching tonight through the remains of San Francisco.”

“It’s a veritable ‘War of Likes and Follows,’ and we’re here all night to give you live reactions and coverage. Stay tuned!”

Meat closed the Mel and Mel stream. He’d been listening intently, hoping to get a better read on where public support was going, but all he got was a decent reminder of how nothing he might ever do again would ever truly be private. He lamented that fact, and then he tweeted it before starting his own live video.

“Hey everyone, it’s Meat Candy, just coming at you with a quick update. The ‘mutual protest’ is still set for tonight and, y’all, I can’t tell you how much it means to see how many of you have already shown up to support me. Technically, I’m currently a few blocks away about to enter a neutral location for a ‘summit meeting’ being set up for myself and Levianne. Apparently we still have a few fans that don’t want to choose sides or see us fighting each other at all. First off, I want to say how heart warming it is to see so many rally for piece, but I hope you’ll forgive me for not sharing in your optimism. So, for the Meat army watching this and wondering if the fight’s called off: not yet.

“I’d like to show you all something before I go in.” Meat reached into his coat pocket and withdrew an antique locket. It was silver, heart shaped, and etched with a floral pattern. “Before the Collapse, My grandma left me this. For fifty years she only ever kept one picture in it. It was of her, my grandpa, and my mom. She believed in family over everything, and I do to. But, things are different now. My grandma was from a more nuclear age, when people didn’t know that they could choose their families. We know better now.” He clicked it open and held it closer. “So, I had it modified a little...” Gone was the picture on the inside. In its place was a digital counter. The number itself was fluctuating rapidly, but well past two-hundred million. “This is my family: all of you -” the number had a noticeable upswing, “- these are all of my followers and likes across all platforms put into one place where I can look at you all and keep you close to my heart.” He closed the necklace and placed it around his neck. “Anyway, I just wanted to show you all that before heading into this thing. If I’m quiet for an hour or so, you know why. Till then, everyone be good and, if you’re gearing up for battle tonight, be sure to carbo-load. Peace!”

Though her public opinion was that the summit meeting was a noble attempt at fostering peace, Levianne knew it wouldn’t solve anything. The ‘neutral location’ was the remains of what was once a Starbucks before the Council of Cancel had them all destroyed. The fans had found it, cleaned it up some and even set up an LED display for lighting, but it didn’t hide what an empty husk the old store was. It was as hollow as anything else in her relationship with Meat, though, so it was a fitting enough space to discuss the terms of war.

Any pretense of avoiding conflict only lasted partway through the pleasantries when she, to be kind, told Meat that he looked well and all he said was, “thank you.” Their mediator, Donnie, waited a moment after that to break the awkward silence.

“First of all, I just want to say how cool it is to be in the room with both of you. I’ve been a follower for so long that this is really surreal,” Donnie said, chuckling anxiously.

“Who did you follow first?” Meat asked him. His gaze was flat as he studied the young fan.

Levianne groaned. “Why should that matter, Mr. ‘Chosen Family?’”

“I just want to know how satisfied to be when he realizes what a cu-”

“Ahem!” Meat was interrupted by the long haired person beside him, who then whispered something.

Meat continued. “When he realizes what a… corrosive personality you have in person.”

“Fuck you.” Levianne said, crossing her arms. “But thanks for at least taking peace off the table early so we can set some guidelines for your inevitable beating.”

“Well, hang on,” Donnie said, hastily, but was met by a double death glare. “Uh, well, I was actually thinking we could live-stream these proceedings… so that all your followers will be on the same page.”

This time Levi’s own lieutenant spoke up from beside her. “Trust me, Donnie, that ‘same page’ is going to be Levianne’s twitch channel by the time this is done!”

“I appreciate the, uh… enthusiasm, Steve,” Levi said, “but maybe just take notes for this meeting.” she turned to Donnie. “I actually think that’s a good idea.” Donnie looked from her to Meat Candy, who shrugged and nodded. Levianne continued, “For starters, I’d like to pre-declare the throwing of any animal products-” she gave Meat the stink eye, “- to be a war crime, punishable by no less than a tribunal with the Council of Cancel.”

Meat brought his open hand down on the table. It was less a slam, more an attention grabbing thud. “For the hundredth time, Levi, I didn’t throw that hard boiled egg at you, I was peeling it and it slipped!” He crossed his arms and looked to the side before muttering. “It didn’t even hit you, it hit my shoe and rolled into yours.”

“I wasn’t wearing shoes! I felt it on my bare foot!” She shuddered. “I can still feel it.”

“Way to work the F-word into a live stream,” Meat said, rolling his eyes.

“What are you implying?”

“You know what I’m implying. Why don’t you just flash ‘em for the camera?”

“Oh go suck a goat, dick wad.”

“Okay, well, I think we should leave genital based insults out of this,” Donnie said.

Meats assistant whispered something to him, and he relayed it. “Agreed, and furthermore: I think that all combatants should be dressed head to toe – mask included – to ensure the violence is based on fandom, and not something toxic like race, gender or sexual orientation.” People around the table all nodded and mumbled their agreement as Meat’s locket buzzed against his chest, indicating another influx of likes.

“Donnie, I know you mean well,” Levianne said with her hand on his shoulder. “But this summit was never going to be about peace.”

Donnie nodded, solemnly. “Alright, then, I’ll write it all down. Any more rules?”

In the end, other than to stay PC, it was decided there would be no holds barred.

“And we’re back, Mel.”

“Yes, and after that exciting summit live stream, our own viewership has doubled!”

“Sure are a lot of people ready to watch some carnage.”

“Well now, Mel, I’m not sure that’s a fair assessment of our audience. I think people just want to see justice served. Violence is just the medium.”

“Fair enough, Mel. I suppose Levianne’s been through a lot. This last week streaming, she’s hardly used her catch phrase.”

“‘Clean hits and bong rips,’ one hell of a slogan, Mel I’ll admit it, but it lands better when you’re not playing like a scrub.”

“What, uh… what’s that, Mel?”

“Just saying, she’s been getting sloppy lately. Hey, maybe she’s feeling guilty ‘bout doing our boy dirty, huh Mel?”

“...”

“Uh, Mel?”

Quarter ‘til eight, less than an hour since negotiations failed. Both armies march through the tattered remains of old San Francisco. Some percentage of both sides is taken out by crumbling skyscrapers, but it only bolsters the survivors’ fighting spirits. The teams were numbered in the hundreds, and they came to square off on Haight Street. From thirty yards away, in the haunting calm before, Levianne’s eyes met with Meat’s and she thought she saw something there – that spark of potential from when they met, and a part of her – smaller now – wondered if he still could change. “Damnit, Candy, this is so stupid! Can’t you at least try the bacon substitute?”

“I did try it!” he shouted back. “It didn’t taste anything like bacon.”

“You’re supposed to think of it as its own thing!”

“Then why do you call it a substitu- you know what, this is stupid.” He turned to his army. “Charge!”

Levi shouted the same and, from both sides, a thousand masked and fully wrapped champions flew past their gods and collided in the middle.

“Well, Mel, it looks like the battle has started and- oh, dear lord its a literal flame war! Damn if those simps don’t love that gamer girl. I just hope the nutrition Meat pushes for gives his fans the power to pull through, right buddy?”

“...”

“My dude, what is going on with you, why aren’t you saying anything? Mel? Where did you get that?”

“Brought it from home, Melvil.”

“M-Melton?”

“Levianne forever, my dude.”

“Aahhh!”