192 Your Daily Heuroscope

URANUS RULES TODAY'S HEUROSCOPE FOR THE FOLLOWING SIGNS

Dicks:

In the handicapped bathroom stall you will piss the toilet seat and leave the toilet unflushed. You'll offer solace to the wheelchaired man by explaining it's how you found it.

Assholes:

Hysterical pleasures ensue when you'll hurt someone's feelings and laugh about it with your asshole friends, including the guy you know's getting sacked today, making it even funnier. (Irony abounds when he's the one laughing the loudest.)

Dipshits:

The moon lingers, making you late for your back-waxing, so you'll change lanes carelessly, the 4-car pileup behind you causing severe injuries. When you read about the accident, you'll harshly judge the dipshit who must have caused it.

Losers:

Losers go retrograde, expecting disappointment, so don't even try. Today you'll find Jesus who'll deny you thrice. You, too, suffer from cocks crowing.

Shitheads:

"Eat all the ice cream" is good advice today for your little girl's party. Hell-bent Mars, lodged in dark places, will make you forget to pick up her cake. Escape ridicule by no-showing (OK, since you have a present, anyway).

Scumbags:

Go ahead---make a wish, but don’t expect the stars to grant it. So refuse to pay your Mom's electric bill, take an extra 15 minutes to punch out, fake a limp for workman's comp, and moon a Virgo.

Skanks:

Your chart says assume your date--from on-line--has herpes, too. He's a Leo--no need to 'fess up. Clinically-proven odor control eludes you! Pray he has anosmia, because Lume just doesn't work.

Douchebags:

Today will be serendipitous when that twenty falls out of that blind Capricorn man's pocket which you'll use poaching the cab he's hailing.

Fucktards:

Your house is in the fuckcusp--you run out of gas racing someone to a one-lane exit.

Numbnuts:

Today offers new lows in worminess when you laugh at all your boss' racist jokes about his best workers--"those people."

Assclowns:

You'll vote for the "Less-for-them-means-more-for-us" amendment to the appropriations bill. You vote with winners, 'cause who ikes losers?

Bitches:

Uranus is off limits to them, so step on all the heads of the little people on your way up--and that's just today. Just wait to see how far you get tomorrow! Bitch.

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AUTHOR'S NOTE:

For a full description of the Asshōlogical Signs, see https://vocal.media/fiction/191-astrology-2-0-asshology.

For Wednesday, July 10 (Happy Birthday, Evan!), Day 192 of the 2024 Story-a-Day Challenge

366 WORDS (without A/N)

Title-accompaniment photo was AI-generated but the assholes were not. They walk among us!

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ABOUT THIS SUBMISSION:

Offensive? God, I hope so. I fear I'll lose some subscribers over this one. But every now and then the scatological clutter in the brain must be collected and discarded. My glia had become quite clogged over 191 days, and the stuff just builds up. Herein, I exorcise it.

And also--sad to say--there are signs on this list I've been called.

WHICH ONES HAVE YOU BEEN CALLED IN YOUR LIFE?

Your signs are not who you think you are, but what others think you are--and what they call you, at the very least, under their breath.

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THIS CHALLENGE GRINDS ON, 366 WORDS AT A TIME:

There are currently three surviving Vocal writers still participating in the insane 2024 Story-a-Day Challenge:

• L.C. Schäfer, challenge originator

• Rachel Deeming

• Gerard DiLeo (some other guy)

Read them. Support them. Pray for them. And remember just who you are.