Pineapples

I f**king love pineapples.

Nothing else. Just pineapples and sunshine. Of course, you don't necessarily eat the sun…please don't eat or attempt to eat sunlight.

There is a slight problem when it comes to eating them, though. The flesh of the pineapple has to be a bright shade of yellow. Pineapple yellow, to be exact.

Yes, pineapple yellow is indeed a color.

The hexadecimal color code #e6ae25 is a shade of yellow. In the RGB color model #e6ae25 is comprised of 90.2% red, 68.24% green and 14.51% blue. In the HSL color space #e6ae25 has a hue of 43° (degrees), 79% saturation and 52% lightness.

If the pineapple flesh is anything lighter than our beloved pineapple yellow, we need to throw it out ASAP.

Here are some important pineapple terms that everyone needs to know:

The leaves are also known as the crown of the pineapple. If you want to try and eat the leaves to get into some cult following a king pineapple, I, a pineapple enthusiast, highly recommend not eating them. (Nor do I recommend joining the cult.) Not just because a cult directed you to do it, but because it can cause damage the mouth cavity, and if it can go down your throat, it may do severe damage to your intestines.

The skin is jagged and you can easily prick yourself if you are not careful. And I also recommend not eating any part of the skin either.

The flesh is the ONLY, and I mean the ONLY part you should be eating of the pineapple.

Finally, the core. Don’t eat it. No, Susan, it will not help you with your magnesium deficiency. Please keep your chronic diarrhea to yourself.

Pineapples are a God-sent fruit. They have all the nutrients in the books. And before you think I am a health nut, I'm not. I eat boxed mac n cheese, blue corn chips, and salsa 24/7.

Note: I don't eat blue corn chips to be healthy. My mom has only ever bought them, so now I only ever eat them. And they are DELICIOUS.

I only started eating pineapples because that's all my mom would pack for lunch when I went to summer school. So I grew up eating them.

Every summer, under the great oak tree at some random park I don't remember the name of, everyone would go around and compare lunches. Willow would show off her three Fruit Roll-Ups and her juice box. At the same time, Harry and Eli would show off their Lunchables. Then there is me, with my pineapple slices. Was I mad that I didn’t have the delicious sodium-filled snacks they had? No. Not at all. Okay, maybe a little. But those pineapple slices gave me everything I needed to get through the day. I am more grateful now, than I ever was as a child.

On top of them being impeccably sweet, pineapples contain lots of fiber, potassium, and bromelain. Which can all help with happy, and healthy digestions. So, yes, Susan, eating pineapple flesh can help with your bowel issues.

No more health facts because who cares about those. On to how to CORRECTLY prepare and eat pineapple.

How to Pineapple:

When looking for the perfect pineapple, you must look for a few things.

First, head to your local grocery store, like Vons or Ralphs, and go to the fruit sections. Once there, locate those delicious pineapples.

Secondly, look through the pineapples; if the pineapple’s crown is not bright green, DONT GET IT.

Next, the skin should be firm but surrender to pressure.

Afterward, you should smell the bottom of the pineapple. It isn’t right if it doesn’t have a sweet tropical smell. And if you were to smell the top of the pineapple, you wouldn’t be smelling the fruit at all; you would be smelling the leaves like a weirdo.

The bottom of the pineapple is directly where the fruit begins to ripen. This is true because the bottom is where the stem grows.

Finally, grab the sweet, sweet pineapple and take it home. [Run fast if you don't want to pay for it 😉]

The only way you should be cutting a pineapple:

1. Begin by removing both ends. Cut about an inch off the top, then do the same for the bottom.
2. Stand the pineapple upright where the bottom used to be and start slicing the sides. Start with your knife at the top and go down to the bottom, then repeat until the skin is no longer there.
3. Next, remove the digits or the eyes (the brown digits scattered all around the pineapple.) The trick to getting these out is to wedge your knife around it, then slowly circle it around and bring it out. Make sure there are none left when you are done.
4. REMOVE THE CORE. GET IT OFF THERE. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU DO; GET IT OUT.
5. Cut the pineapple in half, then in half again from top to bottom until they are to your liking. Then slice those bigger strips of pineapple into smaller, more edible pieces of pineapple.
6. Finally, eat the pineapple slices. If you want to be fancy, you can add Tajin or any other seasoning to spice it up.

Two different pineapples recipes if you want to be extravagant:

Grilled pineapple salsa:

It should take a total of one hour and 20 minutes. For this recipe, you will need the following:

• ½ fresh pineapple - sliced into ½-inch pieces
• Cooking spray - pam
• One thinly chopped red bell pepper
• One small chopped sweet onion
• ¼ cup chopped fresh cilantro
• One finely chopped small jalapeno pepper
• One minced garlic clove
• One tablespoon of lime juice
• One teaspoon of white sugar
• ½ teaspoon salt
• Ground black pepper to your liking

Step 1: Preheat the grill to medium heat and lightly oil the grate. Spray pineapple pieces with cooking spray.

Step 2: Cook pineapple on the grill until lightly browned and caramelized, 5 to 10 minutes. Remove pineapple from grill and cool; chop.

Step 3: Mix pineapple, red bell pepper, onion, cilantro, jalapeno pepper, garlic, lime juice, sugar, salt, and ground black pepper in a bowl; refrigerate until chilled and flavors blend, about 1 hour.

Step 4: Enjoy because you deserve it!

Pineapple upside-down cupcakes [yes, cupcakes!]:

This recipe should take a total of 45 minutes. You will need the following ingredients:

• Cooking spray - pam
• ½ cup melted butter
• 1 ½ cup brown sugar
• 24 maraschino cherries
• Fresh pineapple slice [24 or so]
• 1 (18.25 ounce) package pineapple cake mix
• One ⅓ cups pineapple juice [or make your own]—Pour the pineapple chunks into a blender and add, if you are expected, a few pinches of sugar in case it is bitter or tart.
• ⅓ cup vegetable oil
• Three eggs
• One tablespoon of confectioners' sugar for dusting over the cupcakes

Step 1: Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Move an oven rack to the middle of the range. Spray 24 muffin cups with cooking spray.

Step 2: Spoon one teaspoon of melted butter into the bottom of each sprayed muffin cup. Spoon one tablespoon of brown sugar into each muffin cup. Press a maraschino cherry into the center of the brown sugar in each muffin cup. Spoon a heaping tablespoon of crushed pineapple on top and compact it with the back of a spoon into an even layer.

Step 3: M​​ix pineapple cake mix, juice, vegetable oil, and eggs in a large bowl with an electric mixer on low speed until moistened, about 30 seconds. Increase speed to medium; mix for 2 minutes.

Step 4: Pour batter into the muffin cups, filling them to the top; do not overfill.

Step 5: Bake in the preheated oven until a toothpick inserted into the center of a cupcake comes out clean, about 20 minutes.

Step 6: Line a work surface with waxed paper. Allow cupcakes to cool for at least 5 minutes before inverting muffin cups onto the waxed paper; serve with pineapple and cherry sides. Sprinkle cupcakes lightly with confectioners' sugar before serving.

Step 7: Enjoy because you deserve it!

I can go on and on for centuries about all the different recipes I have found, but I think these recipes hit the spot. Not together, though. Separately. Do not dip the cupcakes in the salsa; you will regret it.

Go to a nearby pool. Public or private, it doesn't matter. Bring a whole pineapple, or precut [I know you're basic, Sharon], if you must. Lay out a towel, and start cutting that pineapple. Once finished cutting the pineapple, offer everyone around you a piece. If you are by yourself, that's fine, more for you to enjoy yourself.

Take that pineapple and eat. Eat it like there is no tomorrow. Not only will it make you ten times healthier, but it will also make you less dehydrated. AND you will look cool as h*ll going to the pool with an entire pineapple.

Trust me; I have done it before.

Sure, I got the cops called on me, but that's just because I was in some random person's pool.