What My Arguments with My Dad Can Teach Us All About Toxic Masculinity

My dad died in 2019. It triggered an avalanche of grief, the likes of which I had never felt before. We are only a small family, and it was decimated by the loss of the funniest and kindest man.

When I was very young, my relationship with my dad was fantastic. Every Wednesday, he would finish work early, and we would go for a picnic in the local woods. He was a great storyteller and enthralled me with tales of wizards.

But it was not all plain sailing. When I became a teenager, we clashed a lot. This tension simmered through my mid twenties. As I reflect, there are themes throughout this period that can benefit us all — themes of Toxic Masculinity.

Our Arguments and What They Were Really About

The Surface Problem: Bullying.

When I entered Secondary School, aged 11, I became a victim of bullying for the next five years. I would come home from school in an impotent rage where I had felt unable to stick up for myself.

On a typical day, I would be told to kill myself, taunted for my appearance, and perhaps even assaulted.

My dad would react to this with anger at me for not fighting back. He could not understand how someone could feel so weak and powerless that they allowed themselves to be a human doormat.

He offered to take me to a boxing class. He offered to help me change my appearance, get a haircut, wear better clothes. I refused every suggestion. I saw him as another aggressor, and I used to ask my mum not to tell him anything about my experiences.

I hated his ideas and did not want another ear-bashing on top of my other problems.

The Real Issue: Men Learn to Be Problem Solvers.

It took me years to understand that my dad’s anger was not directed at me but against the situation. Men are taught to be problem solvers. Most of us do not understand the power of just listening. When we see our loved ones in pain, we want to stop it immediately.

My dad knew that he couldn’t do much against the bullies.

Going to the school to complain would make things worse — and he tried that. He loved me deeply and saw my pain, and wanted to take it away. So he suggested things I could do to stop being a victim. Unfortunately, I was not ready to hear these suggestions, which left him powerless. Every day he could see my misery, and yet I stubbornly refused to take any practical steps to change it.

A better approach would have been active listening, which saves lives. It is the whole ethos behind the suicide prevention organization The Samaritans who are trained not to offer advice. They listen and reflect to the caller to show they have understood.

Being heard by another person is the greatest gift you could give them. Unfortunately, men lag far behind women in this ability.

So don’t be a problem solver. Be a listener.

The Surface Problem: Lack of Friends.

After I left school, I had another shot at happiness at College (here in the UK, we go to College at 16 and then University at 18). Most people did not know my past, so I could reinvent myself.

Unfortunately, my past social problems continued. Around this time (1997), the Internet was beginning to gain popularity, so I had an opportunity to make friends and become whoever I wanted via an online persona.

Through the use of Internet Chat Rooms, I made some virtual friends. However, this was when people who made Internet friends were considered to be losers.

While my peers were going clubbing and getting drunk, I spent hours talking to people online. I felt like some of them were friends. Unfortunately, my dad did not share my opinion.

“Yeah, but you haven’t got any real friends,” he said to me one day while on holiday in Scotland. At the time, I was missing my online chats as we were in a remote location without the Internet.

My dad’s comment cut me to the core and sparked another raging argument. I was hurt. Deep down, I knew my “friends” were not the same as real-life buddies that went out late and had girlfriends. But I was trying to do the best with what I had.

The Real Issue: Men Don’t Express Their Worries Directly

My dad was not trying to be nasty to me about my loneliness. He was worried about it too. However, I wanted the outside world to see me as normal — popular even — and the fact that he immediately saw through my facade pulled me back to earth as the same lonely, bullied young man I had always been.

Privately, my dad saw that I was not turning out like other teenagers. He thought my internet habit was unhealthy and standing in the way of my social development. He wanted me to switch the computer off and go out and make real friends. He thought people online were losers. But he kept these worries to himself. When I would brag about my Internet friends, his anxieties bubbled over, and he could not share my excitement.

Men are taught to suppress their vulnerable emotions, such as worry, creating a powder keg ready to explode. When it bursts, it does so with rage, and the damage is far-reaching.

The Surface Problem: Joining the Police.

In 2004 I joined the Police. By now, I had conquered my bullying and was brimming with outer confidence. I had friends, girlfriends, and everything I had been missing earlier in my life. I had changed my life for the better in every aspect.

Inside, however, I still had things I wanted to prove to myself. I wanted a chance to be brave. To help people and to battle the bad guys. So I joined the police.

My dad didn’t like the police. He had a variety of tales from his youth that he told me over….and over again during the next few years. Generally, he thought the police were useless. He wanted me to be a lawyer — I had been to University and obtained a Law Degree, so why not?

I had never wanted to be a lawyer, and I took a Law Degree because I was good at writing essays and didn’t know what else to do.

The Real Issue: Men want to be protectors.

My dad thought I was much more intelligent than the average Police Officer. He saw me wasting my potential in a poorly paid, rough, and dangerous job. While I was excited by the danger, he was horrified by it.

My dad’s vision for me was standing up in a Law Court passionately arguing about Human Rights. I would be wealthy and successful and use my mind to its full potential.

Men see themselves as protectors. They see their primary job as that of protecting their families. Now I am out in the twilight hours, arresting and struggling with maniacs, my dad was losing his ability to protect me.

I also wanted to be a protector, which is partly why I joined the police in the first place. So there is some solid social conditioning here.

Men have put too much pressure on themselves again, and it is unnecessary. We need to help men realize they do not have to be protectors all the time. Women don’t need protection, and at a certain age, neither do children.

Reconciliation.

My dad first became ill with Heart Disease in 2010, and it was here that we built bridges and rarely ever argued again. I was so frightened of what his illness was doing to him that I moved out of the family home, but I phoned multiple times a day to get a full update.

Within a year, he was much better due to medication, and we decided to do a long walk to celebrate the occasion. Towards the end of the walk, he said, “Do you think we get on a lot better since I became ill?” I replied that I did, and it was because I had learned what was important. He admitted that he had been, in his words, an a****** at times. The truth is we had both calmed down. I was no longer desperate to prove things, and he was no longer so tense and worried.

Lessons from My Dad’s Death.

In 2019, my dad's heart disease returned and ultimately claimed his life. Over the past couple of years, I have learned several things from this horrific event.

Arguments with loved ones are not worth it. You never know which conversation will be your last, so never end a discussion on a sour note. Always make sure you let them know how special and important they are. You will regret all the wasted time spent in petty arguments. Even if some people want to argue, let them win and move on with your day.

Understand the reason behind the other person’s anger. Throughout this essay, I have gone to great lengths to show my arguments from both sides and extract broader lessons. This empathy is vital if you want to resolve the conflict and move forward. The other person does not always have sinister motives. Toxic Masculinity has a lot to answer for.

The closer you are, the more you might clash. My mum always said that me and my dad were too alike. It took me a long time to realize she was right. We had the same fiery temperament, but we expressed it differently. We had the same outlook on life and many of the same characteristics. These similarities are the main reasons for our clashes.

Conclusion

The lessons I have discussed here do not just apply to my situation. I have used my relationship with my dad to reflect broader points beneficial to all of society.

Toxic Masculinity keeps men silent when they should be expressing themselves and aggressive when they need to stay calm. We bottle things up until they explode, and we take great effort to protect people and stay strong at all costs. This cannot continue because when men burst, they damage themselves and everyone around them.

We urgently need to learn better communication skills, and we must be honest with our feelings. In the long run, it will save relationships and lives.

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