Trusting God Through Grief: A Mother’s Story of Healing

But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep. 1 Thessalonians 4: 13–14

My Excitement to Become a Mom

The only reason I can now write about this is because some time has passed and it feels like ages ago. It was December 25, 2009, a day I will never forget.

This was our first son. I was excited and nervous to meet him. I was 29 years old and very healthy, went to all my doctor appointments, and took all my supplements. I did everything I was supposed to. My pregnancy was perfect and my husband and I were so excited to meet our baby boy.

This was our first son. I was excited and nervous to meet him. I was 29 years old and very healthy, went to all my doctor appointments, and took all my supplements. I did everything I was supposed to. My pregnancy was perfect and my husband and I were so excited to meet our baby boy.

I even had the most beautiful sports-themed baby shower for him. Friends and family came out we had a blast I was so excited to decorate the nursery for him and hold him in my arms, snuggle with him, and watch him grow from a baby to a man, but little did I know, what seemed perfect turned into an utter nightmare.

A Christmas Miracle Turns Into A Nightmare

I remember that fateful day, it was Christmas Day 2009, I woke up to go to the bathroom and my water broke. I excitedly woke up my husband and told him and we were just like wow we are going to have a Christmas baby.

We called my doctor and he let me know I would experience contractions, I didn’t but I thought they would come eventually.

A quick backstory, I was 41 weeks pregnant, I had seen my doctor a few days earlier and he informed me the baby was quite large (I wasn't diabetic) he checked me and let me know it was a possibility I may have to have a cesarean but that fluid around the baby was good and everything looked great. He told me I could have the baby the next day the 23rd or wait till after Christmas to be induced if I didn’t go on my own. We told him we could just wait until the day after Christmas since everything looked fine.

Back to that day- so anyway we grabbed my hospital bag and some toast and headed to the hospital. Something did feel off that day, but I had never had a baby before, and my husband and I figured it was our nerves. I didn’t feel any contractions or much movement but was told prior to this that because of his size, I wouldn’t feel the movement as much as when he was smaller, however, I kept wondering where the contractions were but I wasn’t to concerned.

Words No Parent Wants To Hear

We get to the hospital and I let them know my water has broken, and they quickly take us to the back. So the nurse gets the doppler to check for his heartbeat and she seems to have trouble finding it, so she hears something and asks me if the baby was breech I said no, so then she calls in the doctor because the heartbeat seemed low so she was thinking maybe it was nine. She then gets an ultrasound machine and at that point we are nervous and she then says she can’t find a heartbeat and shows me his heart is not beating.

At this point, we start screaming and crying. I am watching my husband have a total breakdown and I remember feeling so sad for him in that moment while trying to comprehend what she said, I think I was in denial like it was a total nightmare. They called the doctor in to confirm, they had no idea how my perfect pregnancy went so wrong.

The doctor was sad and crying too as we really liked him and had grown close with him, he said the only thing he could think of was he may have had a cord accident and got tangled in there.

Giving Birth To My Baby Boy Who Was Born Sleeping

Having to call my parents and his was the worst, my whole family was excited I was in the hospitalon Christmas, and to get the call that the baby had died just broke their hearts. I’ve never seen my dad cry, but my mother said he was so sad and crying because he was so excited to have a grandson.

On December 26th, 2009 I gave birth to my baby boy Evan. With help I was able to deliver him naturally so I could heal faster. He was absolutely beautiful with a head full of dark reddish brown hair. I was so devastated but did decide to hold him for a few minutes, but it was just way to painful to do it for a long time. I was surrounded by family and friends afterward who got to see him and how beautiful he was. The doctor was correct and he had a cord accident and it detached before birth, I later learned, although rare, that some clots formed in his cord and caused fetal demise.

The Aftermath

Nothing prepares you for coming home childless. I could not go in his room so we kept the door closed. Eventually, my dad came home and he and my husband packed up everything and stored it in the basement. I felt so sad and depressed and wanted to toss all the baby stuff in the trash.

I was confused and upset with God. I was thinking to myself, why did you let this happen? Did I do something wrong? Why did you let me go through a whole pregnancy just to lose the baby? I just couldn’t understand it.

I remember my mother telling me:

Karla, God didn’t allow this to hurt you, he loves you and you do not know what could have happened in his life that God spared him from or why God allowed this, but he is perfect and knows everything, it wasn’t to hurt you or your husband or Evan. I know this hurts so bad but you have to know you will see your baby again.

At that time I wasn’t strong in my walk with Christ. I hadn’t read my bible so I didn’t really understand God or his nature and ways or anything. As a Christian I know that walking closely with God is strengthened greatly when you read your bible, we get to know God through it. We grow close reading it and praying to him. We get to see his wisdom and ways aren’t like ours, they are much better and his wisdom is infinite. It can be very hard for us to understand with our finite minds.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm: 73: 26

We get to see he loves us, we understand we can see our loved ones again and your outlook of death for those in Christ looks so different, and you have a peace that surpasses all human understanding.

At that time my mothers’ words made no sense and I felt angry but as my walk with God grew I saw him totally differently and grew to understand his wisdom is above mine and I have to trust him.

This scripture right here gives me comfort on what’s to come, as believers our hope is in what is above not in this earth.

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21: 4

God's Comfort

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. Romans: 8:18

Getting to know who God really is and NOT who the world says he is, is really crucial to how you handle life. Listen — I am not saying death is easy for Christians because it certainly is not however you aren’t handling it alone, you have Christ as your anchor, keeping you stronger, sitting there with you. Your perspective on death is not the same as an unbeliever.

You have hope where there is no hope. Death is not final. I am saying this from a place of humility as I wish everyone accepted Jesus and had that peace. We do believe when babies die, they automatically go to heaven. I absolutely know that with joy in my heart, I will see him again. I also know God is always with me and will never abandon me.

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8

How God Blessed Me After Loss

I remember after a few months had passed I wanted to try again for another baby, the doctor told me I had healed abnormally fast and it was ok. {I want to be clear his death was a freak accident and not the fault of the doctor. }

So 6 months later I was pregnant again. I remember asking God for a boy, I was like please God can I have a little boy, however, a healthy baby is all that matters. I remember the day I went to learn the gender of the baby, I was nervous and excited, I had no idea how often God would answer this prayer. I went in nervous but learned not only was the baby healthy but it was a boy! I couldn’t wait to tell my husband.

I remember him saying to me it’s ok if you tell me it’s a girl we just want her healthy. The look on his face was priceless when I told him it was another boy, he had so many tears of joy. Although we knew this baby didn’t replace Evan, he was a joy added to our life. He was someone to focus on and it helped us in our grief. We will never forget Evan, but we can live life smiling knowing that we will see Evan again and God blessed us with more children.

God’s Sense of Humor and Blessings

I often think in my situation although sad there was hope still. Remember that prayer I prayed asking for another son? Not only did God answer that he answered it 4 times over LOL!

I want to say this. I pray my story helps someone. I pray it helps your grief, and/or your faith in God. I want you to cling to his promises in scripture. Know he doesn’t leave us to grieve alone. Yes, it hurts so so badly, so I won’t pretend that it’s easy or you won’t feel it because you will, however, the sting of death is softened when you have Christ and he holds us up and keeps us stronger. Another thing I want to add is we all grieve differently and it’s ok to feel it and process it in a way that's best for you, it took me years to be able to talk about this without falling apart or crying constantly.

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I wanted to add this random tidbit. My husband and I wondered what Evan would have looked like had he lived. We wondered what color his eyes would be since his mother, my grandmother, and his grandmother had grey eyes. Each son we have has dark brown hair and eyes…until my surprise baby I had at 43. His name is Ezra. He looks just like Evan the reddish dark brown hair, and suspected grey eyes and the same complexion. It's mysterious and beautiful how God can work in our lives, it's almost like he gave me the ability to see what Evan would have looked like.