The accidental fight

On today's episode of Parenthood should really come with a manual... I started a fight between my daughters on the school bus. I wasn't even there, and it was a complete and total accident... I keep forgetting what they say the path to hell is paved with.

For context Lollipop (not her real name) is 9 - very much the leader, the analyzer, the questioner, and will probably one day run her own company, or her own country. Jellybean is 7 1/2 and the most loving, nurturing, caring one who absolutely cannot stand to be in trouble - even the thought of trouble will send her in to tears. Chicken nugget aka hot mess express is the almost 6 year old and is kind of like a chihuahua these days - small, fierce, tries to be big and loud like her older sisters, fun to play with, will probably bite you when she doesn't get her way, and also so cute and adorable that you can't help but love her. The 14 year old we will just refer to as THE TEEN... que the music from that popular Disney movie "we don't talk about THE TEEN"

Any parent who has a kid around 9 years old has either had the talk about bad words or is soon to have the talk about bad words. They pick these words up in passing from t.v., older kids on the bus/playground, or adults out in town. The entire talk in our house got started, quite ironically, thanks to our church. A passage in the bible they'd read in Sunday school that Sunday contained the word... ASS. Lollipop (9), at the dinner table later, expressed confusion, shock, and horror that the word ass would dare be uttered at church - "that's a BAD word mommy!" she declared. So, we had to talk about how that actually means donkey and isn't a bad word if you're talking about a donkey. She thought it was amazing she could say the word ass and not be in trouble if she was talking about the animal and proceeded to test out that rule by saying "Old Macdonald had an ass", which everyone giggled over. She then asked "If you can't call someone an ass cause that's a swear, can you call someone a donkey, or even a "donkey hole?" Thus began an entirely different conversation about name calling and how that isn't nice no matter the words you're choosing to use if you intend it to be hurtful.

Flash forward to yesterday afternoon, and chicken nugget is left with me and THE TEEN at the dinner table because it's one of those nights where she's decided to eat her rice grain by grain. She starts asking me what the bad words are, and I, in what I thought was a moment of parenting genius, decide to protect her innocence by giving her silly words in stead. She asks what the H word is and I tell her it's helicopter. She asks what the S word is an I tell her "silly goose". THE TEEN is practically snorting water out her nose over my ridiculous suggestions, and it's good to know in that moment that at least she still thinks I'm funny sometimes, and chicken nugget seems satisfied enough with these answers and finally finishes her 1,000th grain of rice. It felt, at the time, like such a WIN - boy was I wrong.

So yesterday the kids get home from school and I can tell there is drama right away from the way Lollipop, the enforcer, says "MOM!" as soon as she walks in the door. I'm immediately thankful I made myself an afternoon cup of coffee before they got home. "MOM, chicken nugget was fighting with Jellybean ON THE BUS - I think she even BIT her". Chicken nugget walks in and I ask her "what on earth were you guys fighting about?". Chicken nugget is hysterical, and is practically in tears "Mommy, Jellybean was saying helicopter on the bus, and that's a bad word and I was telling her its a bad word, but she wouldn't believe me that it's a bad word, but you said it's a bad word!" Jellybean pipes up defensively, almost in tears because she doesn't want to be in trouble "It's NOT a bad word!"

I am trying so hard not to laugh because it's hilarious but to them it is so serious - and I have to explain to chicken nugget that helicopter is not, in fact, a bad word and that I was just being silly - which she is totally offended by. All I can say is, I tried - parenting is hard, often funny, sometimes rewarding, and seriously - someone should have written a handbook by now...