Saying Goodbye

When I got the news mom had left this world, suddenly I was exhausted: I mean eyes burning, body dragging exhausted.

She had started refusing all meds except pain and was choosing end of life. She had fought for a long time, and she told me she was tired and ready to go.

I had moved across the country almost 4 years before, and the challenges of that move, plus the pandemic, kept me from going back.

Mom and I were like sisters, and she was my best friend. For so many years it was the two of us, and we always knew we could count on each other. So after watching my dad die, I had told myself I did not want to see my mom wasted away from cancer too.

I wanted to remember her like she was the day I left: cured, healthy, lively, wishing me and my son great happiness on our journey, even though she was probably so sad we were leaving.

My aunt called to try to get me to go see my mom. I resisted. Big time. I explained to her how I felt and in the end she understood, said she supported whatever I chose.

When it was getting close, I did choose to go. My aunt bought my ticket and I took the red eye.

When I walked into her room, I ran to her and hugged her as hard as I could without hurting her. She was a skeleton, skin and bones, and while it hurt to see her like that, hugging her was priceless.

I stayed for 3 nights, two of them with mom in her hospital room, chatting to her about life, saying all the things she already knew, telling her it was ok to go, telling her goodbye.

The day I left she quickly declined and she stopped waking up. Three days later, she was gone.

I do not think I have relaxed, or slept well, since she first told me she was tired and ready to go. She even said she hoped it was fast, staying true to her inpatient self!

Waiting, watching the phone for news, took so much energy, and once it came, so did the need to sleep.

Being there with her, kissing her sweet cheeks, having her hand on my face one last time, telling her and hearing her say "I love you" was such a gift.

After my dad died I experienced months of grieving.

Since then, I changed my perspective, moved across the country, started a new life. I have become more aware of all the energies available to us and believe in everything, even feelings, ESPECIALLY feelings, we have a choice.

With grief, I saw that was a choice as well. Each one of us make it, most of the time it is not a deliberate choice. We react the way society, other's people's judgements, and watching others, have taught us we should.

I was full in it when my dad died, thinking it just, WAS.

This time, I am choosing.

I am choosing what my mom asked of all her loved ones: to celebrate her life, have a party, no tears. While the last one is challenging, as the tears come randomly, the rest I will certainly do.

I will honor my mom with moving forward, choosing greater for myself, living a bigger life than I ever have before.

I am grateful for our relationship, and for who she was. She was the perfect mom for me and I would choose nothing different about my childhood. And maybe, when the time comes, we will choose each other again for a new experience on this earth, together.