My best friend and I are separating.
"It's me, not you."
It was after midnight, two days before my birthday, and I was cradling our almost-one year old in bed when it felt like my world imploded. That day, I was exhausted but decided to push through it so that my husband and I could watch a movie that evening after the kids went to bed. It was our usual horror movie chance pick and it ended up being pretty good. As the movie ended, our baby began to stir so I decided to rock him back to sleep in our room. I was happy that we had made time for each other. Earlier that day, my husband and I had gotten into a minor argument. He was growing more distant and I decided to approach him with how I was feeling because I couldn’t ignore it any longer. Ultimately, he said he wasn’t doing it intentionally and was just trying to have some space to get through his emotions. I understood. The year was hard for both of us. On top of covid and the quarantine, we both lost a parent at the beginning of the year so naturally we would be distant and in our feelings right? Fast forward to after the movie, I was cradling our son when he quietly came in the room and sat at the edge of the bed. I knew something was wrong so I waited for him to begin speaking. That’s when he opened up with those dreaded words, the words that still sting months later.
“I don’t think I want this anymore.”
I immediately felt tears well up and it felt like my heart had been vacuum sucked out of my chest. I could still hear him talking but I don’t think I was really processing what he was saying. I remember just looking down at our son’s perfect, beautiful face and thinking “I’m sorry”. I remember going to bed after and just staring at the wall until my body shut down. The morning after was terrible and then the morning after that was the worst because it was my birthday. He had decorated our living room with harry potter themed things and I just wanted to scream and rip everything off the walls. Everything just felt like a lie. He insisted that I deserved to have a good birthday regardless of what was happening and I just looked at him like he was crazy. How the hell am I supposed to have a good birthday now? The weeks flew by and everything was honestly a blur. In hindsight, I think I was in auto-pilot; just packing, taking care of the kids, and writing my feelings because I just couldn’t stand to talk to him. I wanted to move out immediately so that I could come to terms with what was happening and although he didn’t necessarily want me to, he understood why I needed to. Sitting in my room on the first night away, I looked at my boys playing, boxes half unpacked everywhere, and just wept.
While I’m quite independent and know my worth, this was still a blow. I did (and still do occasionally) question why I wasn’t good enough. What did I do that caused us to grow apart or become something else? He insists that it’s him (I hate that phrase, don’t you?) but when you’re on the receiving end of those dreaded words, you can’t help but to think otherwise. The worst part of all of this is that he’s still my best friend, my person. How can I not have this person in my life anymore? It’s not just about co-parenting because our lives are so intertwined on so many levels.
It’s such a confusing and complicated mess but we’re working through it together because we have our relationship with each other and our family dynamic for our kids to preserve (although both function differently now). Because these are important to us, we have made sure to do two things:
1) Check in with each other, face-to-face.
2) Have family time no matter what.
We always sit down and chat about what’s going on in our mind. There’s so much to unpack about our relationship and what drove the separation and we take it piece by piece, revelation by revelation. Of course, sometimes the topics at hand are hard to hear and hard to discuss (like what-ifs with future dating, etc) but we push through them with as much transparency and understanding as we can. I find myself in tears but just like talking, I have to cry it out to get through it.
Because of conflicting work and school schedules, one of us has the kids while the other is busy so naturally we see each other every day. However, we spend intentional family time together. Whether it’s a quick lunch or running errands, we try to do things together as we have always done them. Is this wrong? I am sure some “expert” would have a laundry list of reasons why it is, but we know what our family needs. Why take away “mom and dad” from our children when they have zero fault in our decisions?
I am no expert on relationships but I know that two of the most important relationships I have include my husband (haven’t come up with a new title for him yet). We are best friends and “mom and dad”. No matter what the future holds, we will always be in each other’s corners.
About the Creator
Nicole K
she/her
artist, art history grad student, single mom
just a human trying to figure it all out...again
tips / likes / shares always appreciated friends!
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