How I broke the cycle of abuse aged 25.

When I was twelve I had a sleep over at my friends house and her Mom gave us biscuits and painted our nails whilst we watched a film. I sobbed because I wanted a Mom like that. I wanted warm hugs and sympathetic eyes, I wanted to feel loved and valued.

I think it's hard for "normal" people to understand that. The abuse wasn't the horrible part. The abuse was normal. The horrible part was seeing your friends parents filled with love and pride. Feeling so empty and alone all of the time.

I was the quiet type and now I have done courses on child development, trauma and attachment I realised that what I was doing was escaping. I checked out of my life and lived in a book, in a book no one could hurt me.

The thing is though, that I loved my Mom dearly. I would do anything for her. So I never cut her out, not even when a psychologist told me I had to make a choice. Stop hoping for her and my step-dad to change and accept them as they were or cut ties with them forever.

But truthfully, I knew my Mom wasn't the problem. It was him. Growing up I told myself that if he died tomorrow, I wouldn't care. There were times when I was in a position to have him arrested but I didn't because my Mom depended on his income.

I wouldn't do that to her.

In my relationships I found myself desperately trying to find someone to love me. Anyone to fulfil that need to feel wanted. I jumped from one messy, toxic relationship to another.

Then aged 18 I made the decision to get married. Which was a HUGE mess that it took me seven years to get out of.

I think that was when it all clicked. Something had to change. I decided I didn't want another relationship and I spent two years alone, getting to know myself.

I changed my name, came out as bisexual (something I had always been afraid of doing) and decided that I needed to start respecting myself. I went back to university to get my degree with the aim to work with children (I can't biologically have my own). I decided enough was enough.

During those two years I spent a lot of time going over my relationships and my life and really tried to understand where things had gone so wrong.

Then, in 2020 I met someone. But I made the decision then and there that it did not matter how much I liked him, I would not accept less than I deserved and I was happy alone, so if he didn't add value to my life I didn't want him.

Well, he rose to the challenge. He met me on my level and we both realised that we added value to each other's lives. He was a child of abuse too and he was ready to break that cycle. We talk about everything, our feelings, our reactions to things, what we think is right and wrong.

I don't have to water myself down.

My parents respect us both, I have set some healthy boundaries with his help and when my step-dad had the nerve to mention his parenting skills, I outright told him he was an awful parent. I looked him directly in the eyes and told him, he had no idea how to be a parent and he would not be rewriting history to make it sound like all of the things he did had not happened.

My partner sat by my side as I did this.

My step-dad admitted he "Wasn't the best parent" and I decided that it was enough. We all know what he did.

I work with children now and they adore me as I do them. I have never hit a child, I have never lost my temper with a child and screamed at them and every single day I remind them that they are loved, they are important and that they are special.

My partner and I will be adopting in the next two years, there will never be violence in our home.