Are the Most Toxic People in Your Life the Ones Who Birthed You?

A parent’s love is not unconditional. Most of the time, their love is what will fuck you up.

There, I said it.

You can ask me how in the world I can make such a statement when I don’t have any kids myself. I am not a parent, but I am a child from a dysfunctional family. Sadly, parental toxicity is more common than you think.

The truth is, we all live with the consequences of bad parenting. But a highly dysfunctional relationship with parents can cause us to carry wounds well into our adult life, making healing difficult.

Most of our parents may never realize what they are doing to their kids in the name of love. Consciously or unconsciously, they inflict harm, leaving us to deal with trauma that wasn’t ours, to begin with.

The book Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Dr. Susan Forward says that a toxic parent is someone who repeats abusive behavior towards children, leading to a toxic home environment that does severe emotional damage to an innocent young person.

Parents who carry a promise of love and care, while mistreating their child, are toxic parents. They usually do unloving things in the name of love.

They don’t like boundaries

Toxic parents cannot wrap their heads around the concept of boundaries. To them, everything about their child is their business.

Often, they may barge into your personal space, or want to know details about your personal life.

In my house, I am not allowed to lock doors. My parents immediately open a closed door. A lack of physical boundaries may look like this.

Boundaries are necessary forany relationship, but toxic parents ignore them, intentionally, or without thinking about it. Even after expressing your need, they refuse to recognize them.

Your attempt to set boundaries — in the toxic family dynamic — is followed by a lot of pushbacks.

They refuse to let you grow up

I am an adult woman, and yet, my parents treat me like a child. My mother often wants to accompany me to places, because, in her words, “she cannot do it alone.”

Toxic parents resist the idea of their children gaining autonomy. They are constantly undermining your decisions. They have difficulty in accepting that you are now an adult capable of making your own choices.

When I moved to a different country for better work experience, my parents struggled to accept it. They tried to change my mind for months, wanting to control my decisions, as they did during my childhood.

They fail to understand that you need to live your own life. If you try to assert autonomy, they can become angry, miserable, or manipulative.

They are highly critical

Are you always struggling to gain your parent’s approval? Toxic parents can be highly critical.

Nothing you ever do will be good enough for them, leaving you feeling inadequate and questioning yourself.

I made $5000 last month writing. My parent’s reaction? Blank faces.

Regardless of how hard you try, or how big your achievement is, a toxic parent cannot see it. They are constantly putting you down.

Healthy criticism can help us grow. Some parents think they are doing a decent job by criticizing their children. They do it to prevent their kids from making future mistakes.

Sadly, all this behavior does is foster a lack of self-confidence in the child.

They embarrass you

A few months after my graduation, when asked about my plans for employment plans by some elder, my mother replied for me, “She’s not smart enough to work.” After I spent five full years studying and graduated as a doctor.

My face burned with anger and resentment, as people I barely knew, told my mother her daughter was a smart young woman full of potential.

Parents occasionally pick on their children. Toxic parents put you down. They mock you, call you names, and point out your shortcomings.

Making “jokes” about you can be mean and degrading, especially when done in front of others. Ultimately, this is an undermining tactic that can make you feel bad about yourself.

They are emotionally reactive

Toxic parents have difficulty regulating their emotions. My father blows up at the slightest things. Over the top reactions to minor issues that can be resolved in a second.

They overreact and are often dramatic and unpredictable. Around my parents, I have to be careful of what I say, as the slightest thing can trigger them. Walking on eggshells in your own house is miserable.

If you have an emotionally reactive parent, chances are you struggle to manage yours too.

Your opinions don’t matter to them

In a highly dysfunctional family, parents are usually the decision-makers. And they refuse to acknowledge any differing opinions.

My father was raised in such a family, and so he expects the same in his. He often complains about how our differing opinions disrupt the peace of the family.

It’s their way or the highway.

Toxic parents don’t consider others' feelings or needs. They implement what they think is best. An expression of personal opinion is a threat to the control they have established. When that threat is from the child, they view it as disrespectful.

Nothing is ever their fault

My father blames my mother for his unhappiness. My mother blames my father for hers. Instead of looking at themselves, they use each other to play the blame game.

Toxic parents will shirk any responsibility for their role in family dysfunction. They don’t take responsibility for their behavior, often blaming you, or someone else.

The disharmony within the family is never their fault. Someone else is always to blame. And to reinforce their innocence, they will twist and manipulate events to show themselves in a better light.

They place the responsibility of their happiness on you

My parent’s happiness depends on their children living a life they envisioned for us. Because of all they had to give up to provide for us, they expect us to make sacrifices too.

Straying away from their set path means being insensitive to their happiness. This results in chaos leading them to blame us for disrupting the peace.

Toxic parents are usually enmeshed with their children. This means they have an unhealthy reliance on you. They share too much personal information with you — for example, marital problems — and rely on you to be their primary source of support.

Being forced into a situation where you have to give up your need for your parent’s satisfaction makes it difficult for you to understand that we are all responsible for our own happiness.

They fail to make you feel safe and supported

My parents and I are not close. I refuse to tell them the details of my life. I often lie or hide simple things from them because it is easier to do that than face their overly critical responses.

When my wants don’t coincide with theirs, it’s best to keep it from them. Not a pleasant way to live, I know.

Years of dealing with their toxicity has forced me to learn how to keep the peace. I know what triggers them and what doesn’t, so I act accordingly most of the time.

Growing up around toxic parents who fail to provide a safe space for your needs will have you feeling unsafe and unsupported around them. Living an authentic life requires acceptance you may never get from a toxic parent.

They leave you feeling drained

The biggest clue that tells you if a parent is toxic, is not anything they do, but how you feel around them.

Do you dread spending time with your parents? Do you feel worse after an encounter with them?

Does thinking about them bring painful memories to the surface? Does being around them leave you mentally and emotionally drained? Do you feel their negativity seeping into your life?

Pay close attention to your feelings around them and notice if they trigger negative emotions like anger, shame, resentment, or guilt.

What you need to remember to heal

Healing from toxic relationships is difficult, but when your parents are the cause, it can seem like something you cannot get past.

Cutting toxic people out of your life is easy if it is a friend or lover, but cutting your parents may not be possible.

Here’s what you need to remember:

It’s not your fault. You are not to blame for their actions or past trauma.

Acknowledge that your parents caused you pain. Healing cannot begin if you live in denial.

Being aware of toxic behaviors is fundamental to healing.

Being assertive and setting boundaries is essential.

Accept that your parents are not perfect. They are flawed humans like you.

Understand that your parents may never take responsibility for the pain they caused you.

Nothing you do will change them unless they want to.

Focus on yourself and what you can control.

Be careful of toxic behaviors you may have learned to cope.

Remember, you are allowed to grieve the loss of the parent-child relationship you wished for.

You don’t need their support to work on yourself.

You are not your parents.

Hating them will only hinder your happiness.

Holding on to pain, anger, and resentment will negatively affect you and no one else.

Be kind to yourself.

Seek help from a therapist to make sense of your feelings.

It’s painful enough to deal with something like a breakup, but when the hurt comes from a person who is meant to love, protect, and teach you how to love with warmth and wisdom, it changes you.

It’s a different kind of hurt. One you feel deep within.

Breaking free from the clutches of a toxic parent is hard. But it is possible.

And it starts by accepting that parents are not superheroes. They break too, sometimes irreparably. They may have faced the same from their parents. Maybe they weren’t aware of themselves enough to recognize the patterns.

You can’t heal them, but you can heal yourself.