A Mother's Day Void

Mother's Day. What a day to celebrate the creatures we love and value most; women who procreate because they are indeed the most powerful and nurturing creatures. Or at least they're supposed to be.

For many of us, we are fortunate to have a mother who has loved us, taught us, fed us, nurtured us, and more. Others have lost our mothers to the grave. But for many others like myself, our experiences have been more than complicated.

I woke up to a beautiful text message today from my partner that read, "Good morning love, wishing I was waking up to you this morning! I know today is a difficult day for you especially. You have been an amazing daughter to both of your moms and regardless of what's happened, I know they both know that. Whether you reach out to both of them or not is okay. I know you still appreciate and love them both regardless of the past and their ways and that's all that counts. One day you"ll be an amazing mommy and today will have more meaning to you than ever before. I love you!"

It was the most beautiful message I could have ever received in the morning. See, I am adopted and have had a relationship with my biological mother growing up through adulthood, which I have previously written about. I have distanced myself from both to protect myself from negative energy and from imploding within from all my resurfacing childhood trauma. Then there are mother figures in my life who have been more of a healthier and stable mother to me in my life than any of my mothers. These are my chosen family members, my friends, my ex-therapist, and if it weren't for these people I don't know how I would be who I am right now.

I love deeply and try my best to be honest with all people in my life. I move with integrity and I believe that is refreshing. I decided not to contact my biological mother today as I have ignored her last two phone calls because I truly believe getting wrapped up in my hero complex and easily manipulated into feeling guilty for not being there as I once was, simply was not going to go well for me and I had no interest in it whatsoever. I know she must be hurting to be ignored by the children who loved and supported her even though she couldn't do the same for us. I forgive her, but I do not feel the need to force a relationship there when it seemed one-sided all my life anyway.

My adopted mother, however, I felt comfortable in reaching out to. I know her story may not be that different from the last times we had spoken, but I also know she doesn't have many people to trust and who will be there for her to feel slightly better. I wasn't wrong when I phoned her and learned about how she was feeling. I was still able to communicate with her honestly and opened up to her about how I felt regarding our last exchange which wasn't entirely pleasant. I felt like I couldn't trust her and I didn't want to continue feeling that way or hold a grudge against her. At the end of the conversation, my mother expressed how I had helped her feel better today and how she had wish quarantine was over so we can sit on a park bench just the two of us and she would be able to open up with me.

My mother may not have loved me in the best way she could have growing up and may act out like a child who has not learned, but I could not love her any less for it. She did, after all, raise me since I was four years old. I could understand, support, and love her in similar ways I do those who are actively in my life, because it takes nothing to give that love, especially when you understand someone's way of life and learn how to not allow it to affect you negatively.

I think it's important to understand what triggers you and to truly understand what you can and cannot handle. And if anyone feels any type of way about that, there is nothing with your decisions as that judgement is merely a reflection of themselves and their feelings. Sometimes we get carried away with overwhelming protective feelings that tend to stir up anger, jealousy, and pain when those we love are entertaining a toxic mother. But we have to remember it is not up to us what those we love choose to do with their lives or with whom they choose to communicate with. We cannot lash out and say hurtful things to those we love like our own because then we cross boundaries and project our own emotions and trauma onto them. It simply isn't fair, right, and causes unnecessary pain.

So if you're reading this and you have a mother of any sort, reach out only if you know it will make one or both of you feel better. If you are a mother who has struggled with the relationship of your mother, dead or alive, I am with you. If you are a mother, know that you are special and powerful and not short of love, so do all that you can to lead with love itself.

Happy Mother's Day.