...Yet There Nonetheless

How sad is it, that after all this time I don't even have anything to say to my closest friends...

Or perhaps I have been mistaken, perhaps these people aren't even my friends at all?

Maybe I've fallen so far into isolation, introspection, that even the bright blinding light of LOVE seems only like a distant glare, a mere distraction, a bad memory from silly days now too far away.

Here I am, holding close the only belief that after all, each and everyone of us is helplessly stuck with themselves, grasping around in the dark, flailing their limbs about in panic, to touch anything in the deafening void all around, selling their soul for whatever distraction is out there, be they mindless entertainment or ephemeral pleasures.. Distract me oh world!

Playing with the shadows we call others, holding them close, whispering I love you, while knowing deep down that it's a lie, a big fat lie;

no amount of weeping, of restless nights, of spiraling thoughts, of dreadful realizations can prepare us for the truth amongst it all, so obvious and so alien.

These bonds, so precious and meaningful, are hollow, fake, superficial, broken at the first excuse, for nothing is more important than the self.

I may be a mother, raising my two sons, yet what matters most to me is my own pleasure, more than anything else.

I may be his father, yet what I hold dearest is myself, I even believe that the whole world exist only for me!

I may be his closest friend, but I'll ridicule him given the chance. I'll steal his friends and lovers, just because I can get away with it.

What is the point of all these ''meaningful'' bonds, if they are forsaken, desecrated, violated for the sake of the self?

The sacred link of family, the loyal, unconditional friendship, the understanding between two people, thrown out the window...

For what exactly, but shifting shadows in the dim-lit room that is our minds?

***

How sad and lonesome I am, that even when out and about with friends, my only desire is to leave and be alone once more, at peace once more.

I look around, and I can't see anything. My life is empty, broken.

I am lost, utterly lost, in this absurd life I've created for myself, of my own accord, with complete lucidity, day after day, embracing the present so convinced it'd last forever.

Until the last moments come at last, inevitably, like an underwhelming mistake, a failed cake splattering on the ground, oh well.

What am I doing, really? Who am I, really? Do I even have a goal, beyond daily satisfaction?

Is this what I want my life to be, a sad cycle of work days, and days of idleness, weeks passing by, nothing changing really, but the silly numbers on the calendar..

It seems I myself am stuck in place, dreadfully, as if afraid to bite in the half-rotten apple of life, in fear of what exactly?

There is nothing else to eat!

Perhaps I am simply too aware of the haze of days behind me, of the countless years of struggle ahead, and of the utterly sad and unchangeable reality of the present. Stuck in place. Paralysed from a false start, a bad first step, a broken dream, denied promises, and all that.

If it all get so ugly, why bother living at all? Well,

If I don't try, I can't fail. At least then, I won't be a failure.

I can't come second or last, if I don't run the race.

Therefore, let me idle my whole life away, only moving once I have no choice at all in the matter.

All traces of hope, mere fantasies of my mind, distractions on the wall, the daydream of a foolish child that can't accept reality for what it is.

This rotten, revolting world of grey cement and neon lights, of garbage overflowing, of selfishness, of hate and lies, so many lies, mountains of lies.

And hidden behind all that not only fields of grass and cloudy skies, but a bright sun and a loving world, too far away to reach...

Yet there nonetheless.