This is not the life I ordered, but...

I thought I did everything right. I followed the course for the most part. I stayed out of trouble, or at least I thought I was. I worked, I had good people as friends, I gave my heart to Jesus, and I even went to college and became a college grad. So how did I end up at 53 years old on Social Security disability, divorced, and only one more mistake away from sleeping at a homeless shelter? I've been trying to figure that out for a long time. No, this is not the life I ordered. I wanted to have a career that would take care of more than my basic needs. I wanted to have a marriage that was unbeatable. I wanted to feel secure and happy, more so than what Social Security offers.

When the blank hit the fan back in 2018, I knew my life was going to change for the worse again. My husband and I were separated, my reputation had changed with a domestic violence situation that pretty much destroyed my previous view of the world, people, and careers, and I was all alone going through it.

Somehow I survived some of the hardest travels and searching I ever could have imagined. Somehow I survived being more poor than I had ever been in the past. Somehow I survived it and made it back to a reunion with my husband. But we had both changed during that 3 years separation. When we got back together, the way we used to do things was a way that wasn't possible anymore. And I didn't know who I was anymore. The status of Wife seemed more like a burden than an honor - More like a horror story than a fairytale ending.

So we finally got divorced. We had mentioned it too many times during or after one of our stubborn arguments. We had terrible arguments and they were never resolved because our viewpoints were so terribly estranged. We signed the divorce papers in November 2023. A year previous he had gotten me the best Christmas present he ever got me - a Ford Transit Van. Granted, it was used, but it was something he knew I wanted. How did we go from the best Christmas 2022, to divorce in November 2023? We just didn't want the same things. We could not see eye to eye anymore and the lack of respect was overwhelming.

It's now June 2024. It's been 8 months of being room mates with my ex. He knows I have nowhere to go. He knows I can't afford it. He and I both still have feelings for each other regardless of what we've said or what we've done to each other in anger or pain. It's the most confusing episode of my life. But the good news is, now that we don't have a piece of paper brainwashing us and telling us what are roles are, respect is back in our relationship. Isn't that amazing? Respect returned simply by dropping our preconceived notions of what marriage meant.

So he's been my best friend and room mate since November. I make jokes sometimes when we get the "eye" reminiscing about good ol times together as husband and wife in the sack. It may never be that way again and I've accepted that, but still there is a wonderful feeling to work with him in any way or to listen to his work stories the way we did when we were just courting before we got married. I never thought in a million years that I would be a divorced woman. Me?! I was raised Catholic. How could that have happened? Well, it did. I'm just like my mother, I guess. I suppose I should have expected that chapter of my life to end on a typical tragic note. Same thing happened to my college degree Teaching career. Wrong career? Wrong husband? I guess my mother was right when she said, "I can't do anything right." Now what do I do?

I'm just taking it one day at a time. Trying to continue to praise Jesus, thank Him for my blessings each day, and be a decent human being. It's not as easy as it sounds.

So there it is: my confession of the past 2 years. I never said I was perfect. Only Jesus gets to be called that.