The Day I Almost Ended My Life

I will never forget the date I almost ended my life. On August 16, 2009, I planned out my suicide and wrote my family goodbye letters.

I wrote one to my grandma, mom, and my five children. When it came time to write one to the child I was carrying, I froze.

I couldn't do it.

How could I end my life knowing that would kill my precious son, too?

I tried to write to my son, explaining why I felt I had to end my life. I expressed my love for him and his siblings. I couldn't do it anymore.

It didn't matter how many times I wrote the little to my unborn child; I couldn't get it right. I couldn't articulate why I had to leave this world on August 16, 2009.

Why couldn't I wait?

If I didn't postpone my plans, I would leave this world as the worst mother alive.

These are thoughts that raced through my mind. I cradled my growing tummy. I talked to my son, begging him to help me hold on.

I Made A Deal With My Baby

In the middle of the night on that dark August 16, 2009, I made a deal with my son. I vowed to put off my plans until his birth. Surely, I could wait until his October due date. I couldn't end my life and take him with me.

Over the next few months, I felt better. It wasn't because my depression had decreased. I felt better knowing that I would deliver a healthy baby and then end my suffering.

I spent those months with my children. I played with them. I shared my hopes and dreams with them. I soaked up this time. It would have been my children if anyone could heal my broken heart.

The Big Question… Why?

Examining why I wanted to end my life is a complicated question. At the time, my marriage to my ex-husband was rocky. No, it was awful. Without him, I couldn't see a path to support myself and my children.

I hated my life. Just nine months before, I left my ex and stayed with my mother for six months. I needed time away from him and his toxic family. During those six months, he refused to let me speak to three of my children (whom I left with him). I took two of the kids with me.

I tried everything to get on my feet. It wasn't something I felt I could do on my own. I wanted all five children with me. I did not want my ex to ruin their lives.

One day, he called me and asked me to come home. He promised he would not scream and hurt me anymore. I agreed to go back. It wasn't for him. I needed to be with my children.

The day after I returned, he screamed at me for five hours. He refused to let me sleep. The only way I could get him to stop yelling at me was to agree to have sex with him.

I didn't want this man to touch me, but I was in survival mode. I needed the screaming to stop. I needed sleep. That night, I got pregnant with my sixth child.

My pregnancy was horrible. He regularly yelled and told me how awful I was. He would tell me I was unloveable and the kids would be better off without me.

One night, he found out I casually dated someone when I was in Arizona with my mother. We were separated, and I had filed for divorce.

He lost his mind. He chased me into the bathroom. I grabbed a knife to protect myself because he was threatening to make me lose my baby. It was a frightening experience.

It was that night I decided that I had to end my life. This man gave me no choice. If I didn't end my life, he would surely kill me eventually.

My Son's Birth Was Life Changing

My son, Charlie, was born on October 9, 2009. He had the most beautiful chubby cheeks, bright blue eyes, and blonde curly hair. He looked exactly like me.

I gazed at this beautiful baby and struggled to follow through with my promise to him. I couldn't leave him and his siblings alone. I couldn't leave them to be with the man who had beaten me down to the point of giving up.

I couldn't do it anymore.

I called Grandma to tell her about Charlie's birth. Grandma was excited to hear about his arrival. She then asked me how I was doing.

I told her I was sore but doing well. She said, "Not the birth, Chrissie; how are you really doing?"

She explained that she felt I was not doing well during her morning prayer. She said the Lord told her she needed to come to Miami to stay with me for a little while.

I broke down and cried.

I couldn't stop the tears. I admitted I wanted to end my life. I explained I wasn't depressed exactly. I needed to escape the emotional abuse I had endured for 15 years.

Grandma cried.

She made arrangements to come see me. I urged her to stay in Kansas. I didn't want her to put herself in a dangerous situation. I was living in a real domestic violence situation.

After I got home from the hospital, Grandma called and begged me to come with the kids to stay with her. She said she would call my ex and let him know it was her idea, and she would pay for the visit.

Grandma got us out of that situation and supported me until I couldn't find a job. She helped me with my kids, holding Charlie whenever I needed a break.

I wished I could say my story with my ex ended there. I took him back, moving him to Kansas. I had one more child with him before getting fed up with his abusive ways just 18 months later. This time, I turned my back on him for good.

I have told Charlie this story many times over the past 14 years. He knows that he saved my life. I loved him too much to leave him, both during my pregnancy and after his birth.

Since my divorce, the need to end my life disappeared. I am so glad that God sent me Charlie. He literally saved my life and gave me something to live for.

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Originally published on Medium.