I suppose we should start this story out with some backstory for texture so let's get to it shall we? There once was a young girl with long dark brown hair and sad brown eyes and a young man with long blond hair and forest green eyes that showed both pain and wonder for the world. They were both so young, so pure, so innocent and so immature in many ways. However, they were young, ignorant of the ways of world and in love so who really cared? To them, all that mattered was each other. They had met at a Christian school were they had both attended since grammar school. It was one of those K-12th grade type of schools. They had only ever really thought of each other as friends but about 8th grade for her and what would have been 9th or 10th for him things started changing between them. What with hormones and testosterone rushing throughout their bodies they began to see each other in a whole new light...and pretty soon they couldn't stand to be away from each other. Any chance they got, any chance they were afforded they wanted to be together. They would stay on the phone all night long, they wrote letters in school and begged the teachers who liked them to pass the notes for them(it was a small school) and when that didn't work they would make creative paper airplanes and fly them to each others cubicle desks. At first, the families were in agreeance that they were a cute couple and at first because the young girl was hesitate her mother had said "Oh, Give him a chance. You might be surprised." and surprised she was. They stayed together for years and he was her first...her first love, her first sexual experience, he made her feel things she'd never felt before and helped her believe things about herself that she didn't know was possible. They were even wed in a little church just inside the city limits of her home town. It all seemed like a match made in Heaven right? Well, the trouble was these two weren't aligned very well when it comes to what they wanted and/or expected out of life. Her family found him to be very lazy, selfish and rude at times and his family found her to be spoiled, coddled and too outspoken. They sure did try to make it work though. They wanted so badly to prove everyone wrong but the truth was that some of what their families said was true. Now, I don't want you thinking that people can't change because they most certainly can if they so wish to do so and people can mature and grow and blend together with their dreams and goals but...that is not what happened here. They began to listen to the outside influences and not listen to each other. They also began to doubt themselves and neither truly knew how to love themselves. You see, they got together in a time when they both were pretty broken and although one person can certainly not heal another they did what they could. They did all they knew to do but in the end the young man did have a tendency to be quite lazy and he hopped from job to job never really sufficiently financially supporting his family. He was the Master of Excuses and always had a good lie for why he couldn't do something or why he'd lost yet another job. He didn't support her financially, emotionally or physically in the marriage and although they had many happy times more often than not she was left feeling alone. He had a few shining moments and then the light in him would go out again and he'd go back to the shadows, believing he was useless and a failure. Depression....it's a mean beast if I ever did see one. He failed her because he couldn't get over his own traumas and he couldn't find his way to the light. She couldn't take it anymore and she had some healing and trauma work she needed to do herself. One day she thought, "If I'm going to feel alone all the time in a marriage I might as well be alone." So, in one defining moment in his truck when he drove her to work one morning she got up the courage, thought to herself, "Say it, just like they do in the movies..."I want a divorce." and then she said it. She couldn't believe she'd said it. She had a six year old little boy with this man and a little girl on the way but she just didn't know what to do anymore. He just nodded his consent. A few months later...she was talking to him after the divorce over the phone and she told him that she'd decided to name their daughter Aliza Rayne. The Aliza part was after her grandmother's grandmother whose name was Eliza but the Rayne part he immediately asked if it was for him because he'd always wanted to change his name to Rain and they'd always talked about that. In truth, it was but it was also because her great grandmother's family name was Rainey but the main reason she'd chosen Rayne...him. But she lied and quickly said "No, it was my great grandmother's family name." He responded with a small "Oh."
Why does anyone lie? Cuz we're scared? Or crazy? Or just mean?... There's a million reasons why a person lies... But sometimes, you tell a lie so big... that it changes your whole life... Lie's so big... it makes you think...
-Willy Jack Pickens(Where The Heart Is)
About the Creator
Lindsey Altom
For me, writing runs in the blood. I've written songs, poems and short stories ever since I was a little girl. I mostly like to write about my life experiences mixed with a little fiction or just things that come off the top of my head!
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10 Million Little Things...
When a person has been through so much trauma there comes a point where the mind overthinks every little detail and every little interaction that hasn't become a commonplace occurrence. That too sometimes gets questioned in his or her mind. This is where I found myself this morning when I stepped out of my car to pump gas at my local gas station and a gentleman came strolling up to me but respectfully keeping his distance and said, "Mam, I hope you don't take this the wrong way but you are beautiful." I said thank you and continued pumping my gas as did he. He didn't say anything else to me while we were both going about the business of putting gas into our vehicles but my mind was going a thousand miles a minute from just that simple interaction. "He didn't go behind my car and put a tracker on it when I wasn't looking, did he? No, of course not, I saw him come out of the gas station.", "Am I really that beautiful? No, trust me, you don't want me. I mean if you could just hear me rattling off in my head right now you'd understand why.", "Damaged beyond repair that's what I am. It's best I'm left alone.", I had turned to put my wallet back into my car and my thoughts turned to, "Watch your back. Listen. He may try to attack you." Eventually, we both finished pumping our gas and then he bid me a good day and I did him as well and he left. A simple interaction and yet it brought tears to my eyes. As you've probably figured out by now I don't take compliments from the opposite sex very well anymore. I'm not sure how to perceive them. Are they disguises for something more sinister lying in wait just down the line? Is it a mask used to lure me in? To me, all a compliment from a man spells out is danger. You see, we've been down this path several times before and it always ends badly. I feel like a stray animal that's never been in a loving home before and doesn't understand how to accept love. My parents showed me love in the best way they knew how but to be honest, it was an obscured view as well, and now although I have a good understanding of what love should look like I don't trust that it exists at least not long term. And certainly not for me. When I receive a compliment I know what I should do is receive the compliment, perhaps say something nice back but in my mind, all I can do is look for danger and all I want to do is run. You see what you don't see is the 10 million little thoughts running through my mind, what you don't see is the 10 million ways I've done thought of how you've murdered me and buried my body, what you don't see or realize is the 10 million little things that have led to my PTSD and my trauma ridden mind, what you don't realize is the 10 million battles I've already had to overcome and the last thing I want to do is overcome another one, you don't know the 10 million mountains I've climbed just to get here, you don't see my 10 million little scars do you? You wouldn't I try hard to hide them. I've tried hard to overcome them, to shine despite them but there is one thing that terrifies me still. Please don't be nice to me.
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He does not like poetry; I write it anyway and do not tell him. It's true his face is not a poet's face. It is round and open, youthful; too apt to be compared to the sun. His nose is neat. It is impossible to imagine him smoking a cigarette, terse, full of cheekbones and tension. His warmth burns my fingertips. I am here for his fascinating body, the haphazard freckles I touch one by one; he is here for my eyes, just my eyes. A sunbeam sneaks through the curtains and pierces us both, sizzling the spices of his skin. I inhale and wrap myself in him. He kisses my eyes.
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