It’s Friday

“The beginning is perhaps more difficult than anything else, but keep heart; it will turn out all right.” ― Vincent Van Gogh

I am starting this entry much sooner than I did last night, I must say I was up far later than I anticipated to be but it was so quiet and writing while listening to the rain is amazing. Since I stopped drinking on Monday I haven't thought to much about having a drink, really until today because it's the weekend. My sister did ask again if I was going to drink tonight and I happily declined. I am sure once the memories of that hangover and me crying subside, the urge to drink might be a little harder to resist. But I will keep pushing forward one day at a time.

As far as symptoms I am having, the anxiety for the most part that I usually get from drinking is subsiding. My emotions on the other hand, and feelings of depression are becoming heavy. I feel like I go through all of them in one day, and I can notice that I am more on edge than usual. I am sure this is all a combo of not drinking, as well as just normal depression and anxiety. I know the further I get into this though the more emotions I will face, but I think that I am finally ready. I think I never wanted to admit how big of a part drinking played in who I have become and giving that up I am like well who am I? What will I do for fun now? I know there are a million things outside of drinking to do that will be way more fun, and for once I'll be able to remember it!

“Set a goal so big that you can’t achieve it until you grow into the person who can.” — Zig Ziglar

Another symptom that I am experiencing is extreme tiredness, and insomnia. I have always had some issues sleeping at night, I am very much a night owl. Of course when I am drinking it's aiding me in falling asleep, but I am not even getting any rest. So now I am finding it hard to fall asleep at night, and when I do I wake up not long later. At times it just feels like my brain is on overdrive. On the weekends it doesn't bother me too much but because I work a 9-5 job it can be hard getting up in the morning. I will say I would rather wake up tired with no hangover than to have one. Although I will say that at 36 not getting much sleep sure feels like a hangover! From what my parents tell me it just keeps getting worse.

Right now I don't feel to tempted, the real challenge for me will defiantly be going out and doing things. Going to events, out to dinner, the movies that will really test me. Concerts are something I tend to go to quite a bit, or I did when my anxiety wasn't so bad. That is where I tend to have an issue the most not drinking, bit I have done it successfully a few times. I just have to remind myself that it's a lie thinking I will have more fun if I drink. And remind myself that even though it calms my anxiety in the moment, it will make it worse in the end.

This is why I always get caught up in the loop of alcohol, and the lies that it tells. Sometimes I wish that I could go back to that 15 year old girl I was when I first truly got drunk and just rip the bottle out of her hand. Had that anxious girl back then never discovered the lies of alcohol I wonder if I would have gone down the path I did? I remember for sometime I was so scared of it and I didn't want to end up like people in my family. Then when life happened to me it was like I remembered the one thing that never turned it's back on me and made me feel better and that's when I began becoming everyone that I feared.

“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” — Maya Angelou

I try not to be disappointed in myself no matter how many times I have to start over and get this right. I know there is a lesson for me in each time I turn back to alcohol, but I realize that there is only so many times you can keep repeating the same thing over and over before you'll run out of chances. I truly do want to live my life again, and actually remember events. I also want to be better about being kinder to myself, and giving myself grace. I am notorious at giving others love and compassion, but can't give myself the same. I need to start believing in myself the way I believe in others.

As always to anyone that comes across this, thank you for letting me ramble and reading my random thoughts as I go through this journey. If you find yourself feeling the same as me, just know you're not alone. I am always a comment or message away! All my socials are "kimmiekins4." Until tomorrow everyone :)