I loved him yet he scared me

When you get this letter mum look at the postmark it's dated out of space and time. It was sent on 25th May 2052 yet when you read this it will be 2022.

I've never shared this with you mum. Though to be truthful I've never shared this with anyone.

I was always scared of my uncles, the ones on dad’s side, most of them were to noisy, drank to much, to bombastic.

For me, they felt like they pounced like a large Cat ready to catch its next meal.

Me!

They scared little me. I never told you I had nightmares for weeks after visiting one of them. It was worse when they all got together I wanted to cry and run away.

That's why I used to hide, that's why I was shy.

I hated visiting them or going to family things.

But everyone thought it was funny and used to make me even more scared.

They deliberately used to jump out and scare me or hold the door to the toilet closed so I couldn’t open it.

A small 5 year old girl, terrified in the land of family.

I wonder if you ever noticed it or if you just looked the other way.

Did you even know?

I remember most of my uncles telling me I was a sook, it made me cry even more. That I should toughen up and be like the boys.

But why I was a gentle girl I didn’t want to be like anyone but me.

But as I got older, I learnt to ignore them all except 2.

One was to loud and over the top for me. even after I became a mum, I noticed the last time I saw him before he passed that he still scared me.

Why I don't know, perhaps it was Uncle W’s brash loud way he just rushed at you, he was full of love but it still felt scary.

The other uncle was for very different reasons and I was right to be scared of him, he was the sleazy uncle that anyone would want to avoid.

Mum I never told you because I knew how close you were to all of them.

I never told you because I was scared to be judged.

I never told you because I felt ashamed.

I never told you in case you liked them better than me.

I never told you because how can a 5 year old say how they feel and be believed.

I never told you because I believed I was the sook, I believed I wasn’t good enough

I believed I didn’t belong.

I wish it was a different experience but it wasn't.

I was a sensitive child in a loud family and I felt like I didn't belong.

I am a sensitive woman and I have found a place in time that fits my nature and my creative life.

I didn't disappear in the way everyone thought I just jumped in time.

I found the love of my life and he had the way forward in time.

I'm now a Successful Author and Poet and live a life of beauty and joy not displaced by not fitting in Here I fit perfectly.

The countryside is picturesque with rolling lush green hills dotted with sheep and Alpaca. The lush vineyards are producing the most delicious table grapes. The crops all around here are fertile and productive.

This place is productive everyone is productive and accepted and age is not discriminated nor is gender.

I have many new family members who are like me, gentle caring and compassionate snd everyone protects and stands up for each other. thought truly they never really need to.

The world has evolved the bullies have been clipped the haters taught new ways and anxiety is a story in the books of medicine.

Mum Uncle W scared me so much, yet I couldn't say anything so high was my anxiety that my body protected me and stopped me from speaking.

I know one day you will read my words and reflect not react.

But until then I love you always.

D