GOOGLE SAYS

Let me explain.

The last months I have been feeling very tired and honestly, I was either unable to sleep or was forced by external circumstances (noisy neighbours. flatmates) to wake up and divide my sleep, forcing myself into a vicious circle of insomnia but also tiredness. Better, I feel exhausted! And I am not working as hard or as difficult as I used to. You might have figured it out that I work in a financial institution in quite a heavily stressful position as a Fraud Agent and it demands a lot of concentration, focus and attention to detail, all of which are actually quite good qualities of mine but I might have made too much of use of that, too.

To start with, I was on the calls all day long with customers fighting fraud together (joking, it’s just me, educating and obviously protecting the company I am working for, against fraud and fraudsters) but in July this year, I moved to a different department and I am now working as a Fraud Analyst and I have very little interaction with customers and the call centre part of the job and customer journey satisfaction and support is no longer something that bothers me or frustrates me or creates stress in my life. So, I should actually be better now that I am off the phones and more into an analysis more relaxed type of job. That’s what I thought. Now, what I think happened is that I accumulated a lot of tiredness and I was not able to properly release it and recover from the last 4 years of taking calls, and everything is just coming down on me now, this December, when I am feeling exhaustion, to the point that I have started last week with episodes of dizziness, sudden fatigue which leaves me feeling like I would need to lay down and take a nap immediately. It is very annoying, especially the dizziness part because I cannot concentrate, I feel it’s taking me longer to do my job and I feel like people do not believe me. There are 2 reasons behind that, in my opinion. People see me still functioning and in quite good parameters and assume that maybe my sickness is not that severe actually, or they simply do not take it seriously because I am still coming to work, I rarely complain and just work even though I feel I shouldn’t. Again, behind all these, there’s this feeling of perfectionism, I can still do it, I am ok, which I am starting to think it’s maybe myself hiding from what my dizziness is trying to show me, which is I need to focus more on my life and what I really want from life, as I feel I have lost direction and my motivation drops every day, more and more.

I am getting demotivated by 2 things. First, this uselessness attitude I have concerning my own direction or passions, that I mentioned yesterday too. I have this feeling that I am not focused on what I should be doing, rather I am keeping this comfortable job to hide away from the struggle I would need to endure to obtain or to reach a point I actually want to be and because I compare myself with people online and with other peers, I get this feeling I am way behind. Others at my age have done 5 times better and more. Why am I still procrastinating? Well, simply because I have lost my motivation to hustle. I have lost my motivation to my passions. I have lost my direction and because of that I have lost my joy.

My husband recently actually told me that he has RARELY seen me be extremely happy or joyful regarding things that happen to me. And that could not be closer to the truth. I remember I was reading some very long time ago, so long that I think it’s like in the fairy tales times this “so long ago”, that Aquarius persons, like myself, are very calculated, they do not let their emotions run wild and free to be seen by others and at that point in time I was a bit bewildered with that because at that age, I was clearly not that aware or fully aware of my actions and was not paying much attention to how I look or sound. However, I can totally relate to that now. I am so calculated that even when something amazing happens to me, I think twice if I should actually smile or celebrate the beautiful thing that has just occurred to me or remain rational and focus on the next thing. The latest is my usual reply to life’s exciting throws of bliss towards me.

I guess I feel anxious to be happy because I fear I might sing victory before the victory and then I will lose it. And this, is the emotional cause of dizziness. Now, I do need to combine this esoteric information with down to Earth, calculated and rational excuses to my present health situation.

Enter Google.

Now, I live in the UK, and the NHS here, which is the national health system, is a mess. If I compare it with Romania, oh boy, Romania is far superior and much more care is offered than in a country that is supposed to be more serious regarding its citizens and their overall health. As a side note, before I came to the UK, in 2014, I believed that Romania has a poor national health system and that you need to take private healthcare for better conditions (which is true regarding the cleanliness and equipment, medical devices) but I am referring here strictly to the human resources, of which “human” is not the word. In Romania, people in the national health services do care and at least try their best with the least they have to offer support or information or further referrals. That’s humanity, CARING. But NHS, my friends, does not care AT ALL. I ran my blood tests analysis recently, because I was not feeling well, and when I called to get my results, the lady picking up the phone, checked my file and she said, all looks normal and your scores are all between the brackets (the lower and higher limits), I said, fine, I need a copy of that. A couple of days after, went to collect my copy to discover I was not fine at all. There were several blood tests analysis that were way below the limit (and these are related to my immune system) and a couple that were way too high, one of which was the cholesterol.

So, of course, with this in mind, I started to dig the internet to find answers and correlations. Do you google your symptoms?

Well, Google says that I potentially have anaemia, severe fatigue, or chronic fatigue syndrome, iron deficiency or like auto-immune disease, because my immune system is weakened even though I had done my blood tests right after a period of around a month or more of me taking the Solgar Female MultiVitamin, eating very well and eating lots of garlic. Maybe too much.

I have been having garlic almost daily for around 2 years now. And I believe I have exceeded the daily dose with more than once, it’s probably three times more garlic daily than I should have had. And according to Google, garlic cleans the organism from bad stuff but it can increase the excretion of tough minerals in the body, and it can also deplete the body from good minerals too in this process. Apparently, garlic can thin your blood and you can become a little anaemic. It contains sulphur compounds. It is stated that you would need to be a little anaemic for this effect to be experienced, which in my case, it’s kinda compatible, since, I have always had a lack of iron or enough iron, and I guess, I did not know or did not take it seriously because it did not affect me that much, until now. Garlic, as mentioned may cause you to excrete some heavy metals because it works that way. Along with the bad metals in the blood also goes some we need; this could also make one feel tired. It makes sense.

Before you jump over the fence and start saying I should refer myself to the doctor before jumping to conclusions, I am referred to the doctor but it seems I have to wait a huge amount of time to actually speak and be taken seriously. Had I not called to ask for a copy of my blood tests, I would have never known that something is wrong. It does seem that, in the case of health, you need to take the first steps and not wait on the doctor to actually look on the file and help. I can understand they are busy and overworked, but overlooking something so crucial is devastating. Imagine if it was more serious, something with life – death impact. This NHS is so bad.

And anyway, when I went to the doctor at NHS, a couple of years ago, he was actually googling my symptoms!!!

I am now due to take another sample of my blood to see if it was temporarily (which I highly doubt given that I am now feeling worse than before taking my blood tests) and I hope I will get a medical explanation and moreover, the support required. When I went this time and requested my blood tests, I have mentioned to the doctor I am feeling extremely tired and I was expecting him at least to take my blood pressure, ask about things that are usually important to establish if this is normal for this type of person or is it not. I may have offered some bad service in the past to customers and karma is taking care of me now, but medical service should always be exceptional. You cannot play with someone’s health. You should not have become a doctor if you lack the seriousness that is accompanied by the title Doctor.

Because I am inclined to always look on alternative medicine and obviously, health and healthy eating and lifestyle is a priority for me and a passion, I have looked up the emotional and spiritual causes of my symptoms or so-called diagnosis. And, it does tie up with what I have been feeling lately: demotivated, fear of letting my joy out and letting myself be happy and be seen happy or let myself experiment and love myself even with all the mistakes I make (and stop focusing on perfection all around me and about me) and more importantly, I have been stressed and unable to sleep in the last months. I guess this sleep deprivation also accelerated my symptoms and combined with the root cause of all, it emerged through this dizziness. Even the name of the condition, “dizzy” encapsulates a loss of focus, a lack of direction, a lack of vision. I will work on it.

What is your experience with the world of national healthcare? Is it good in your country? How does it work?

Please note, this blog post was written in December 2019. I am fine now :)