Bad Decisions

Last night I felt like I wanted to experience the lifestyle that I have never done... the lifestyle in songs like:

Or...

But... apparently I am allergic to bad decisions as I think way too much.

I am responsible for 2 little people.

I do not drink while responsible for those little people. That is a non-negotiable for me.

I can't go back to someone else's place for a number of reasons...

• I get too anxious in a new place with new people to think about much more than planning my exit strategy without other supports in place.
• I am allergic to so many things that I have to had to bring my own bedding to hotels to avoid a rash that I really, really don't want to experience again.
• My babies are still reeling from things that they have experienced and I can barely leave them to check on the dogs or grab the mail in the evening without them panicking.
• At the writing of this article, there are only 3 adult men who can hug me without my feeling an immense sense of panic and dread. 2 of those are family and 1... is just a friend... because he seems to be just as responsible as I am which takes bad decisions off of the table so to speak. Bummer.

I also refuse to bring a guy home to my precious little ones to ask questions. That is dangerous... on so many levels... and I know from talking to other people (professionals) that that is not the stability my kids need.

Out of the first dates with no call back that I have had, my picks would be:

1. The guy who smoked so much our date ended very early with me having an asthma attack.
2. The guy who had our entire life planned out down to when the wedding would be and when more kids would be conceived and born... *shudders*
3. The guy who told me (at length) how much money he made... but then dined and dashed leaving me with the bill.
4. The guy who couldn't remember my name, but wanted to make a bad decision... without a bed... *gags*
5. The guy who thought that it was a good idea to bring illegal drugs... and then wondered why I was such a debbie downer when I informed him that he had to the count of 3 to leave my vehicle or I would be taking him to meet friends at the local station... and then was appalled that my dog was more than willing to back me up... he may have fallen backwards out of my vehicle... his poor backside...... I had no sympathy as I drove away.

And now I feel like crying because my level of responsibility was one of the many reasons every single relationship of mine has imploded.

1. The relationship where fights about safety for little's and for myself became an almost daily occurrence.
2. The relationship where me at 19, with undiagnosed schizophrenia, was more responsible than the 38 year old I was dating...
3. The relationship that sickened me when I realized that it wasn't really love with the guy who "loved me" when I lost the virginity that I was raised to believe was the only way I would be valuable and successful at marriage. I was 16 and he was 11 years my senior. I was naive... and now I feel absolutely stupid for that decision.

So, maybe ... I have made enough bad decisions to know that I don't want a one-night-stand? Or maybe I am just not desperate enough... each one of those relationships told me that they were the best that I could find... and the dating pool? would kinda agree.

Good guys? They are all working to achieve their dreams and hopes because well, honestly? I've seen my side of the dating pool too and that is just as bad...

It sucks.

I like intimacy... and haven't had anything that was... willingly giving... in a year or more. Everything before November of last year was a battle or simply a checkmark on a to-do list... as it was explained to me.

Since November? There has been nothing. I think cobwebs might be growing... or at least that is what one of my girlfriends said was happening to her and she has had more recent intercourse than I have had... *sigh*

And that? That might be okay because I honestly don't want to risk everything for one night that likely will leave me feeling even more empty, used, and discarded than everything else already has.

P.S. My feelings have always come second to the emotional, physical, and spiritual needs of my children. That will not change any time soon.