Weight

After two years of this song and dance between us, I figured now was a good time to check the temperature of things. Seeing as he'd be leaving and I'd be staying, I wanted to know what was to come of us. I just wanted us to be on the same page. So a few days before he left I asked him, "what are we doing?" I knew in my heart that it'd be his usual answer: "I'm not ready for a relationship yet." But I asked anyway, I didn't want anymore grey areas between us, no more unbearable uncertantity. I knew then, just like I know now that I want to be his and him to be mine, but I'm convinced that he doesn;t want the same but he doesn't want me to loving anyone else either. Selfish.

I was trying to be patient and let him figure his shit out, figure out what he wanted. When I asked, I got what I knew to be true. So I ended things for the fifth time and told him to give me a call when he's ready to commit and make me his girlfriend. It hurt me to do that, but not more than the hurt I feel right now. I'm crying so hard that I can't breathe, and there's a pain that starts to form in my chest. As I think about driving myself to Grady Memorial Hospital my thoughts and crying are abruptly interrupted by the ringing of my phone. I reach into the cupholder, blinking through the tears and looking through the blur of my eyes at the time. It's 5 minutes to 4 am. The phone keeps ringing in my hand.

Camden

I let the phone ring. I watch it. He's called me twice, the first time not getting through DND. It's 12:55 in LA. He's probably been out drinking; that's normally when he decides to call after we go without communication. The phone stops ringing. As I close my eyes and bite my lip, I let out a deep sigh. I take another deep breath through my nose and out through my mouth.

Mad Rush is still playing softly in the background. I run my fingers across my lips, a tear rolls down my right cheek. My emotions are high, and my thoughts are racing right now. The phone rings again. Camden again. I can't talk to him right now. I let it ring again. I decide to drive home.

As I pull onto the expressway I am met with death.