Toxic partnership

Trigger Warning: Suicidal ideation. No details or descriptions into the topic are explained, but it is mentioned in the piece.

As my head banged relentlessly against the cream-coloured bathroom tile floor and I could feel the cool, solid ceramic below crash against the soft skull above my neck, I wondered if this was all that love had left for me to accept. Constantly experiencing panic attacks, muttered insults and recurred mocking threats coupled with judgement and insinuations of regret, the princess within me desiring her prince charming felt dragged down with anything but hope left. Nothing but a slave to a partner's desire, I gave up my everything to ensure his world was full of life and charming. Drugs, cars and cheap thrills filled our home for awhile, triggering suicidal ideation and dreams of floating away blissfully; paranoia also escaped through mindless acts of faith, along with psychotic breaks and freakishly pricey credit card shopping statements.

Trauma intrigued me, and abusive tendencies entangled me subliminally to the love of my life from these ages before I could see clearly enough to be free. Narcissistic tendencies of bringing my cheerful personality to shame, allowing them to drown out the light until I was nothing but depressed and barely able to drag myself out from under the sheets of our bed to undress and let him lay with me. Quitting a dream job to live off savings and student loans, paying rent and grocery bills all while watching the life I built slowly disappear out of reach. I was living in anxiety and shame as the dreams faded away from my hand, a match well played by a man of my own age.

Disaster seemed to follow down any path we went, from motorcycle crashes to break-ins and police-sanctioned wellness checks following mental health attacks. Working barely over minimum wage and attempting to save a decaying degree with summer classes and countless numbers of studying nights at the nearby café would send my head into a spiral every time I returned home to him. Blasting shitty house music and watching egotistical thrill seekers vlogging their distasteful lives on our TV, I felt nowhere to escape but the drugs easily available at my fingertips that numbed feelings. Marijuana and mushroom caps dominated that chapter of my life for weeks on end, offering no way to seemingly escape this disastrous, fateful end. If it weren't for the drugs, panic attacks, manic episodes and his unrelenting gym crush finally caving for unfaithful ways, this would've paved the way for the rest of that pathetic life 'till it tragically faded.

Forever grateful for grace and presence this journey provided me, along with a bit of faith that hard times would be worth it in the end, a light at the end of the tunnel was justly barely attained. Healing is the story that this journey continues to embark on with me, notwithstanding the triggers and dreams constantly haunting me with fears that love is coming back to destroy me completely.

The soul is only revived knowing that this life's fate will not be delayed by an insecure human barely able to brush their teeth or make his way honestly. Couples therapy never had a chance to save us as the relationship was ended a day before that. To find unfaithfulness on a Sunday seems an unholy match most fit for the man who threatened to burn the New Testament as he tore it from the grip of my hands. A belief in something more sent me back to home where the neglect was first born. To come back and experience a missing childhood cat was the icing on top of the cake for what soon turned into a great solo escape. The interior Western North American mountain peaks were calling me, and what better way to recover than with alcohol and excruciating hiking.

~

Copyright © 2023 by Kalina Bethany. All rights reserved.

Written for the Chapters Challenge:

Write a chapter from the middle of your memoir.

Sink into the reservoirs of your memory in honor of the launch of the Chapters community. Instead of beginning at the start, focus on a core moment, turning point, or meaningful experience that would ideally sit at the center of your life's narrative. This chapter does not necessarily need to be the climax of your story (as it is continously unfolding!), but should capture the essence of your journey — resonating with emotion, insight, and authenticity.

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