My Current Journeys

Hello, everyone. My name is Meghan. I have been joining this writing community since Summer 2021 when the pandemic is still overflowing. I am glad that I was conquering one of my fears and insecurities due to my mixed language disorder since I was a toddler. I have so many things that it has been very challenging every day, every week, every month, and every year. I would like to share how much I have been going through from birth to my mid-30s on this journey.

My life has always been more tricky than others. For starters, I know my teens were difficult. My twenties were so overwhelming. Now, I'm in my thirties. It's even much harder than I thought. It’s not ‘being negative’, I was being honest about how I feel. I know society is still frustrating like ‘you should get married now after college’, etc.

I still have so many ups and downs, and highs and lows no matter how much I have good days, good times, bad times, and bad days. It's like the scale was even. My emotions and feelings were very intense, like being happy all day and then sad later and then happy until I was tired. And yes, it's true! That's what my therapist told me in every session if I actually am struggling or I'm still in pain for over a week, and so on.

Remember the phrase, ‘making mistakes is part of being human’. But, sadly, I still don't see it and don't feel it. No matter how big or small, I hate making mistakes. It was painful. I have been so desperate to be perfect and pressured to be normal since I was so young. I tried to move on as much as I could. However, things are still traumatizing me deeply.

I have to be honest, the middle of my memoir is still difficult and overwhelming, including these personal things in my life. I'm still struggling to focus every time I go through with my family, especially for eight years when I became a full-time, but stay-at-home aunt. Both my niece and nephew couldn't stop loving me every time I came to see them. They smiled at me so cheerfully and I smiled back and gave them a sweet hug. They adore me because I've been one of their favorite people ever since they were babies. It warms my heart. I did my best to teach them with colors, reading books, counting numbers, and knowing about animals.

I also became a fur mom with my sweet kitty after my niece's/my brother's birthday in 2016. I named Kiki, short for Keyleth from the Critical Role series. Every day and night, I couldn't stop loving my cat, stroking, petting, snuggling, and cuddling, even when I felt sad and lonely. She always comforted me between the couch and even my bed.

Things can be deeper, odd, confusing, and misunderstood between the lightness and darkness at the time. I always get a lot of black-and-white thinking every time.

I wish I could be more grateful for the things I had or what I did as an adult, but in reality, I really can't. Being in my mid-30s doesn't make me feel pleasant, especially being disabled or broken. I know there are so many to tackle serious issues including mental health, ableism, and perfectionism. I know most people would say how I'm feeling, ‘Meghan, can't you just be positive!” or “That's why no one wants you if you're being negative all the time!” Those words crushed me!

I still wish people would understand more without getting more shame. Sadly, it's like a repeating history. Right now, it has been a couple of weeks since my therapist and I began to start more self-compassion. Before that, I tried my best after others who said to me that I have to stay focused on myself more than anyone. Unfortunately, It's been too stressful. I know I haven't been compassionate to myself in years. I have punished myself for the mistakes I made and don't know how to quit. It's not easy. That's why I have to begin to work better with my therapist, especially if I want to be healed and recover, mentally and emotionally, like others do.

So that's why my current journey is about being ready to heal more and grow more. I do wish people could see me inside and out how creative and strong I am just like them. I have a beautiful soul and I am a kind-hearted person.