Me, Myself and I

This was the time to take stock. Looking back, it was like I was examining someone else's life.

I’d been to the brink of Hell and felt like I was going mad. But I’d come back. And I was successful by most people’s measure. Some, knowing snippets of what I had been through, admired me for my strength of character. Even if I did not feel strong in myself. I know, it is fairly common to be self-deprecating. This goes to a whole new level in most people who have experienced abuse, however.

Isn’t that strange? How someone else can identify us as strong and someone whose example we want to live up to, but we just can’t see it in ourselves?

The path I had followed had never been easy. Sometimes my own doing: sometimes due to the actions of others. There had been times the path disappeared altogether. It was those times I forged my own path, thankful for my incredibly stubborn nature. I was not going to just let myself give up, lay down and die.

That doesn’t mean I didn’t get in my own way. I think I’d be lying to myself and you, if I said I hadn’t. We all make bad decisions sometimes. It’s part of being human. It was the way I picked myself up after, dug my way out of a hole or two that made me who I am today.

I do wonder, if I’d known what was to come, would I have done things differently at this point in life? If I’d had a crystal ball, would I have put plans in place for events of the future?

I know myself well enough to say, probably not. My priorities were different then.

Like so many others, I was pursuing a dream. My obsessive personality trait balanced out by practical self-awareness has made for some interesting times in hunting down my dreams. I have had some long and repeated discussions with myself about how it is not be ok to call in sick for work because I’d lost track of time during a feverish writing session and stayed up too late. Nor was it right to call in so I could finish an article and get it edited, ready for publishing.

I consider myself to be a very lucky person. The type who just has a knack for being in the right place at the right time. Of course, luck is 10% sheer coincidence, the roll of the dice, the statistics turning out in my favour. A you got to be in it to win it attitude towards life. The other 90% is being observant enough to recognise an opportunity when it arose and having the guts to take it.

As a world-class procrastinator, afraid of what might go wrong, you’d think I’d be terrible at grabbing those opportunities with both hands. But Jen called me a risk taker once. She said I may sit back and assess, but once I’d decided the risk was not going to kill me, no matter what my P.T.S.D. told me, I’d jump in feet first.

I think she was probably onto something there.

After putting off a project somewhat integral to my plans, for reasons that to this day I still can’t quite narrow down, I did it.

I had to strong arm myself into sticking to the schedule I'd set, but I finally got the job done.

And I’ve never regretted it.

Vocal prompted Creators to write a chapter from the middle of their own memoir. At this point in time, I feel that my memoir would be a future project, written in my 60’s or 70’s and I’m currently in my 40’s. I’ve written my chapter to reflect that. There things I allude to that I would have explained in earlier chapters, so would not repeat in full. There are things yet to come that I can’t possibly know will happen, good or bad. I hope for good! Over all, this short chapter sets a reader up for a new phase in my life. One where the demands on my time are changing and I get to spend some time on myself rather than just being a nurse or just being a mum. I am discovering who I want to be outside of those roles and how to claim back myself as an individual.

Because I am more than just what other people need or want from me.

I won’t be an empty-nester. And I will not throw myself into caring for others because the role of mum is no longer as dominant as it once was.

I will be Me. Myself. I. And I am the one who chooses who that is.

Thank you for taking the time to read this short chapter. I look forward to reading everyone else’s!