Mama’s Boy

"The man over there ordered this drink for you." The bartender says discreetly as she uses her head to point in his direction and places a sazerac in front of me. Trying to hide that I'm blushing, I look over at the guy sitting on the other side of the restaurant. God, he's so handsome.

"He's kinda cute." The bartender adds before walking over to the customer that just arrived, and then I wake up to the sound of metal doors slamming and a correctional officer in my ear whispering, “Wesscott, I’d sleep with one eye open if I were you.” The C.O exits the cell, and I let out a huge breath that I’ve been holding in for what feels like forever. Shaday, my cell mate, scoots over to the edge of her bed and looks up at me from below and says, “Don’t show em you’re afraid. It’ll only make it worse.”

She stands up and stretches to start the day before heading to breakfast. “You coming?” Shaday asks. “No, I’m good, but thanks.” I reply. She shrugs her shoulders and walks calmly towards the chow hall. I don’t see how she eats the food here; it's horrible.

I’m in hell.

I don’t think I'll be able to get through this. My son is gone, and it’s my fault. Julius and Ms. Carol are making me look like a monster, and there’s nothing I can do to stop them. Who’s going to believe me?

You’re so stupid Rose…

And why did I just have a dream about Julius? What is wrong with me?

While Julius is destroying my reputation, I’m dreaming about him when I should be focusing on grieving our son!

Jason’s death has kept me up late since it happened. It feels like the world has cracked right down the middle, and I've fallen through. And that’s not even the worst part. The worse part is knowing everyone thinks I'm guilty. What kind of mother hurts their own baby? I would never do that. Never. I'm a good mother...

I roll over in the top bunk bed and silently cry for days. I can't speak. I can't move. Eventually, I can't even cry anymore.

This is my hell.

Having no one to tell my side of the story to except for a rookie, overworked public defender with a lazy eye and a losing streak.

“I’m sorry about your son.” Shaday says sincerely.

I don’t answer her. I just keep lying here and wishing I could go back in time to redo that day…

“Hey, you can’t just lie here. It makes you look weak, and you don’t want people to think you’re weak. Word travels fast around here.” She utters.

I still don’t budge. The pain is too unbearable, and I don’t give a damn what anyone thinks about me right now. All I can think about is my little boy and how I could’ve did better. I should’ve done better.

I failed him… I’m so sorry Jason.

I sit up slowly and ask Shaday quietly, “You got a paper and pen?” She reaches inside of her pillow case and pulls out a notebook and pencil and hands it to me. I open it up, and I’m surprised by the quality of her drawings. She’s really talented. I flip through the book until I get to the next blank page. I tear out a sheet as I take several deep breaths, and I begin to write:

Jason,

I’d give anything to bring you back. I love you so much. You will always be a part of me, and I won't let your memory fade. I promise. Rest peacefully my angel, and don't worry about me. I'll be ok.

Love,

Mommy

I shed a tear as I trifold the letter and place it underneath of my mattress. Shaday pats me on the shoulder and goes to bed. After struggling for hours, I finally fall asleep.

Jason’s resting in his car seat on the bench at some train station, and I’m sitting next to him and listening to music with my earbuds in both ears. I lean over to kiss his soft little cheeks. Our train arrives, and we get onboard. I place him on the chair beside me to check my phone. When I look up, Jason’s gone, and I panic while searching the entire cart for him. I wake up in a sweat when the doors to the train separate. It was like losing him all over again.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but I think you should come to this event with me this afternoon and get out of that bed.” Shaday says jokingly. I'm not in the mood for humor, but I don’t want to seem rude, so I accept her invite without confirming the details. “And what are you afraid of water? There ain't no sharks in the shower.” She says before letting out a laugh. I try to smell myself without being obvious, and I smell pretty bad, so I make my way to the bathroom to freshen up. Shaday follows to watch my back.

There’s two women arguing in the hallway over a pack of Ramen, and a few members of a Latina gang are standing in front of the bathroom. “Don’t be scary. Look em in the eye and keep it movin'.” Shaday whispers as we walk by and through the doorway. There’s only one shower that’s somewhat clean, so I hurry up and get in, so we can get out of here as soon as possible. As the slightly warm water hits my skin, I have a couple of questions racing through my mind. Like why is Shaday being so nice to me, and is there something she wants?

I guess I’ll have to wait and find out…

I step out of the shower and wrap the towel around my body. A woman covered in tattoos with a long ponytail walks towards me and Shaday. She asks if she can borrow my soap, but I can tell she’s looking for a problem; her tone is threatening. Shaday warned me about people like her, and I lose control. “I’m not the one, and I ain’t giving you nothin'.” I say with my chin up, but I’m actually scared for my life. The woman goes in for a punch with her right fist, and I dodge it as I duck to the left. I swing back and start beating her to the ground, but her friends jump in.

Shaday tries her best to pull the other women off of me, and now we’re both fighting for our lives; it's two against six. The correctional officer that visited my cell passes by and takes her time breaking up the fight. I'm not mad or scared anymore. It is what it is, and I proved what I had to prove already. I just wish I had a drink right now.