Doubts and Desires

Doubts and Desires: A Woman's Inner Struggle in a Perfect Life

She questions if her thoughts are misguided. If she is living a life of perfection or just an illusion. Is it really ok to be content? She looks around at her home full of belongings and comforts that many would dream of having. She wonders if she is being selfish in her pursuit of happiness; mothers and wives were supposed to put everyone else's happiness above their own. She considers how hard she has worked to get to this point in life. The countless hours spent studying and the responsibilities she took on at an early age to ensure her white-picket lifestyle. She made so many sacrifices along the way to check each of life's boxes.

The life she leads as a wife and mother seems fulfilling, with a loving and devoted husband and picturesque children. She wakes up each morning, feeds them, helps them to get dressed and ushers them out the door with a sense of relief. Then it is as if she wakes up herself and realizes the lack of attention to her own needs. Simple actions she considers self-care such as going pee alone or remembering to eat breakfast. These are the moments when she wonders if there could be more.

Could she be happier? Could she have other aspirations?

It's a struggle between her doubts and her desires. She often retreats to the woods behind her home, closing her eyes and letting her thoughts wander as she travels the trails her husband lovingly cut for her. It's a place of solace and inspiration where she can take a few moments for herself. Where she can reflect and gain clarity on what matters most. She may never follow through with her thoughts or turn them into actionable goals. Still, the moments here give her the strength to continue trying to live a life of joy and purpose. The birds chirping above, the trees swaying in the light breeze, and the sun shining through the branches give her an outlet to pause and reevaluate what truly matters in life. It's a way for her to appreciate how far they have come and the challenges they have faced together.

For him, the garage is where he can take a break, a space that reminds him that life is safe and well now. With every push of the pedals, as he works on his bicycles, he finds peace and contentment, setting aside his worries for a time. Here he's able to escape from the chaos of everyday life and find a sense of calm. This is where his soul can take a trip down memory lane, with nothing but the creaking of his tools to accompany him. As he tinkers away at old bike frames, he is filled with warmth, thinking about all they have accomplished and their future that still awaits.

Time has passed since they first met, and she has grown. Their life is stable and predictable now, yet she yearns for something different.

She feels worn and unappealing, as if their past is etched onto her body. Flirting with strangers and experiencing attraction beyond her husband is something she misses. Her husband is blinded by love and the memories they share. Still, he also cherishes the closeness they have developed over the years.

She longs for others to truly see her beyond the confident and flawless image she portrays. Why can't she exist in that joyful and playful state all the time? Inside, she's teetering between her doubts and desires. She loves her husband with all of her heart, but she wants to break free from this familiar comfort and rekindle the spark that first drew them together.

He encourages her to spend time with friends, trying to provide her with moments of relaxation and fun. This night his home is filled with women, laughing and drinking. She looks beautiful and calm sitting amongst them. As the laughter of her friends fills the air, he playfully teases them on his way to his garage. Here, he prefers to spend his Friday night in the quiet with no urge to socialize. As he looks around the room, he finds relaxation amidst all of the chaos.

Sitting, she sucks in her stomach to allow space for her tight clothing feeling uncomfortable but looking stunning. Even her flawless makeup is irritating her skin. The conversation revolves around sex, personal growth, and relationships. She vents her frustrations while sipping on her pink sparkling wine. Her immaculate house serves as a backdrop as she fills the silence with jokes. Memories of her carefree youth, when she was wild and free, enchant her. The touch of another's hand briefly ignites a spark before she breaks the moment and excuses herself. Seeking solace, she steps outside into the cool night air, joined by a few friends. Under the stars, she takes a moment to relax, lighting a joint and inhaling deeply. She passes it to the friend on her left as the laughter washes away the strangeness, and she realizes her friends' newfound beauty and confidence. Observing their single status, she ponders what it would be like to be without her partner, to be noticed by someone new who is unaware of their shared history. But she knows her bond with her partner is irreplaceable, filled with love, pain, and unwavering strength. Yet, there are times when she does wonder.

She desires to be the fun and flirty friend, always invited to join in on the experience. No longer wanting to be left out, she yearns to escape the pitiful stares that silently judge her as she attempts to conceal her lingering sadness. Lost in thought, she realizes she is not alone. With a gentle gesture, a friend reaches out and tucks a stray hair behind her ear; she is overwhelmed by the touch of the other's hand. A rush of sensations takes hold, leaving her breathless. They stare into one another's eyes for a moment. Then, with a giggle, they join the other women, who are sharing pizza bites through laughter. Embracing the moment, she provides napkins adorned with blue ocean swirls, ensuring everyone is cared for. A fresh bottle of wine is opened, and glasses are filled, setting the scene for the most perfect evening.

With her guests entertained, she turns up the music and announces her intention to check on her husband in the garage. Grabbing another beer, she steps out into the warm summer air. As she stands in the doorway she gazes upon her husband working diligently, covered in grease and surrounded by tools. She can't help but smile. Offering him a beer, they share a moment of connection. "Are you having fun?" he asks, his concern evident in his eyes. She reassures him with a simple "yes," although deep down, all she truly desires is to curl up in bed rather than host a party. As if realizing her exhaustion, he reaches over, turning her head toward his and kisses her. He presses his forehead against hers, closing his eyes as he asks, "Are you doing okay?". She doesn't answer verbally but nods, causing both heads to move up and down together. Then she leans in and kisses him. Soft at first, with no intent except to feel grounded. But then she is overcome by his smell and feel and wants more. She hugs his body as she straddles his hips, kissing him repeatedly. His hands are pressed against the small of her back. Her eyes are still closed. She moves into him, as close to him as she can be. He begins placing little kisses along the nap of her neck. She moans.

Sitting on the dirty garage floor, next to parts of his motorcycle, she unbuttons his pants. Not once opening her eyes, instead focusing on her other senses, the light smell of his lime natural deodorant mixed with oil. The taste of the craft beer he was drinking. The scratchy feeling of his beard against her skin. Heat seems to radiate from him. She suddenly is trembling, cold. She lifts his heavy arms, wrapping them around her half-naked body, nestling into his warm skin. He holds her there for a few moments, kissing her forehead before laying his head down. She can feel the hustle of his breath as he falls asleep. His grip tightens around her body as if trying to get closer to her soul. Her heart is pounding; she's still trembling with cold and pleasure at the same time.

She slowly re-dresses, kisses him lightly and returns to the party. Her heart is full. The warmth of her lover surrounds her, and she smiles. Life is good. She has a few more drinks before saying goodbye to her friends. She hugs each of them and privately says goodbye on the front step. As she waves to the last friend to leave, she cannot deny her curiosity about exploring a relationship with her- another woman. She wonders what it would be like to have someone look at her and see only her - not the mother of three children, not an accomplished career woman, but just her. Would that person find something truly beautiful about her?

She climbs into her bed. Her memories of the night live in her head like a beautiful painting to be revisited over and over again. She falls asleep with a smile on her face and clarity in her heart. Her feelings for her friend are just fleeting attraction, nothing like what she has with her husband. Their time in the garage together was no ordinary experience; they were permanently connected; they had grown together, their souls intertwined so thoroughly that there was nothing that could shake their life together.

But that night, as she sleeps, her dreams are vivid and alive with the love she felt earlier. They contain moments with both her husband and her female friend. She doesn't want to wake up, but eventually, reality takes over, and she drifts back into consciousness. As she does, she realizes that her clarity from the night before was only a moment of blindness.

The next morning, he wakes with a start. He hadn't meant to doze off in the garage, but his body was exhausted, and he couldn't help it. He looks around, smiling as he remembers what happened the night before. His eyes land on her phone. He picks the phone up on his way inside to make a pot of coffee; he always serves her coffee in bed. She's a disaster without it. He has just hit the brew button when the phone before him makes a slight buzz; looking down, he can see the preview of a text message from her friend.

The message reads, "I think you are so interesting and contain multitudes. I would love to get to know you more. either as friends or...".

He sets the phone down and takes two steaming cups of coffee into the bedroom.

He knows he can't control her feelings for her friend, but he can trust in himself and their relationship. He knows that no matter what happens, they are always connected, and the love between them will remain strong. He smiles to himself as he gives his wife her coffee; every day with her is a good day.

The two spend the morning discussing their dreams, her friend's text message and their marriage. They talk openly and honestly, and she realizes how lucky she is to be able to have such a frank discussion with someone she loves so deeply.

She slips out of bed and kisses him. Satisfied with their conversation, she wants to escape for a solo run before her children return from their night at her parent's house. Even so, as she prepares to leave, her thoughts continue to drift. What would it be like if she was both loved by her husband and someone else - even if that someone else is not yet part of her life?

For a moment, she considers the possibilities that could come from exploring this connection further. But then she shakes it off and heads out the door; running to clear her head is the perfect start to her day.