The Step-kid

Sharing your truth can be the hardest thing you do but today I want to tell you about Me!

I was born 1979 and raised in Bedford Stuyvesant, Brooklyn NY.

Now in order to tell you about me I have to go back on some history so you can just picture the environment I was born in. I am the daughter to a mother that was born in Blacksburg VA back in 1956. My birth mother was the sibling of 8 children, she was number 7. My Real grandmother passed away during childbirth to her 8th child, leaving my Real grandfather with 8 kids he could not provide for. During them times in the late 50's if you couldn't work on the land or help in the home, you were being mothered by the woman of the house. With my grandmother passing and no grown woman being in the home, the oldest sibling was 13 at the time so my grandfather had to find a home for the two younger ones, he sent my mother and the last girl that was the 8th child to NYC to live with his cousin. This cousin lived in Brooklyn NYC, and she owns a brownstone and is also the founder of a church. The girls were little enough to not know what was really going on, but the older one can remember some things as she is growing up. In this house they are raised around family that are supposed to protect and provide for them. They had a mother, Father, Grandmother, and Uncles all living in a 3-floor brownstone house. The Uncles started molesting the older sister. The older sister became vengeful and started running the streets, fighting and doing drugs at an early age.

As the younger sister is growing up,

The older sister notices that the same uncles who molested her is looking at her sister and she goes into protection mode throwing herself on them to keep them from molesting her younger sibling. No one in the home is protecting them from these predators and now these 2 sisters can only depend on one another. The older sister being a mom t0 the younger sister. The younger sister now in her late teens has a baby by her boyfriend and now My mother is a grandmother. She became a mom to her sister when she left Va but now that her younger sister is having a baby, she just became this little girl's grandmother (PSYCHOLOGICALLY), let me tell you how.

2 years later, I AM BORN. I am the First child of the Older sister.

I am born into a home that is full of lies. As a child I was oblivious to anything but what kids want to do but play and eat. I was not in a poor home, growing up in my grandmother's home was very interesting. I was able to play from the top floor to the bottom floor with no problems. I was able to play with friends and my one cousin from the younger sister, they do not live in the house, they live in another part of Brooklyn. I grew up rough just like many kids in Brooklyn who parents were out there drugging in the 80's. My mom is no longer with my dad, but he comes to see me and take me out. I have the best bond with him and his only sister especially with me being his only child, I was spoiled by both sides. I was the last of the grandchildren for 10 years. I had to take the good out of them years because my mother was strung out on crack and life was so miserable but with the relatives it was ease on me to deal.

I always noticed the energy was so thick I can choke off the anger that lie in the walls of this brownstone.

I am looking at a mother that Hates her mother but only loves her sister. Day in and day out I watch these sisters talk about the lady I know to be my grandmother like she is a monster, but I don't see it and it makes me cringe. When my mother not speaking to her, I better not dare to even look at her and it breaks my spirit the way she looks at the lady i know to be her mom. I could feel in my bones something is not right with this picture from a very early age, BUT I DARE NOT SAY ANYTHING! we all live in the same household plus, I love her, she the only grandmother I have known.

By age 10 I am already molested by a boy and girl!

Both times my mother was trying to get rid of me to get high. Left me in the room with one of her friend sons. He stuck a whole broom stick up my vagina and then with the female she was another one of my mother friend kids and she laid her body on me i could not breath. She was like 200 pounds and 15. I was no more the 120 pounds age 9. Around age 9 she also met a new man that she would later on marry at that time unbeknown to me HE WOULD BE MY FIRST ENEMY! I want to love this lady because she is my birth mother but the life path, she is leading me down I can feel my blood boiling and I can feel the alter ego I am growing by the day because I can feel myself changing from the rage inside.

The unspoken words I want to scream to the world,

I don't know who to tell because everyone is close to my mom they will not believe me. Showing up to my school high and drunk smelling like an alcohol bottle was my whole public-school experience. Mouth constantly twitchy and slurring words. Other kids who parents are not out there drugging are looking at my mom and I can see it and also feel it. Sad thing is I can't turn to my dad because he is getting high too. The only people I can rely on is my teachers and my grandmother to sneak me some things. At this point in my life at age 10 the only place I can find peace is at my friend's home with their families. I grow ENVY, JEALOUSY, AND RAGE!

By age 11 I am questioning GOD! Why am I born into this family and all my friends are happy in their families!

Age 11 was the hardest EVER! I am living with a Drug addicted mother, Stepfather! My only piece of protection just left me with no warning, no goodbye, just left and H.I.V took him out. In my mind who is H.I.V. and why do it have my father in this casket cold and unalive. I could not think, I could not breath. I created this person inside of me that overtook my whole being. The last time I seen my father I was running to his house to get him because my mother and stepfather fought so bad I thought he was going to kill her. I grabbed a knife and charged at him. He was in the army so he took my little wrist and twisted the knife out my hands I dropped it and started running because he had my mother's neck in his other hand, and I could see her life slipping away. Who, do I run to but my dad.

I BANG ON MY FATHERS MOTHER DOOR AND I WILL NEVER FORGET THE LOOK SHE GAVE ME. I RAN PASS HER AND STRAIGHT TO MY DAD ROOM! I should have known he was sick but I needed protection from this man she let come into our home and cause even more chaos than we were already dealing with! My dad was in the bed looking lifeless. This was not the man I knew, and I can't put my finger on it because I need him, but he has no strength. How am I going to take my dad to fight an army vet. When we got back to the house, my dad told him to never put his hands on me again and some other things and at that very moment my life was at peace just for them 10 mins he was there. I felt the only calm come over my body with love and protection I will carry it for the rest of my days.

Weeks later My father was Dead!

The anger overtook my whole being. He left me with mother that loved her sister and her niece more than life itself. He left me with a new stepfather and now A BROTHER who was not created by him but created by a man who beats my mother, steals from me, running this household with his friends and now I'm stuck with this family I despise. My whole life I have been in tune with the world. I know right from wrong, good from bad, and at the young age of 11 i had to find a way out. I go to bed with a dresser draw by my bed with a baby in it. Every time he cry i have to get up anf take care of him because no one is in the house they all running the streets late at nigt. I go to use the bathroom and there are crack valves floating in the toilet. No food in the fridge. My dad is gone, and my grandmother is DONE! She wants nothing to do with the drugs and that lifestyle because she a church going God fearing woman!

AT 11 I ATTEMPT TO RUN AWAY!

After 2 attempts to run away the police kept bringing me back and every time it gets worse and worse because now, I am bringing too much spotlight to the situation and all everyone want to do is get HIGH IN PEACE! After my second attempt I heard of BCW and how they were taking kids out of the homes and placing them random places. In my mind nothing can be worse than this and I was Right. I was always a smart kid. I looked in the phone book and found BCW number. I called and asked for the address. I left that night when everyone left to go get high. I left my baby brother and ran to BCW

I TOLD BCW TO TAKE ME AND NEVER BRING ME BACK!

Straight in the sysytem as a young girl age 11 was a gift and a curse. Age 11 was the beginning of my life. A gift because I met so many different walks of life. I have so many mothers, fathers, sisters and brothers around the world. People who genuninely love and adore me. People who met me when i was at my lowest and they were at theirs too. Being in the system is blending in with others who are in the same situation you are or worse. I was taught to eat in the street but also to be a lady at the same time. I was taught all the street things by some very powerful influences on the streets, I was on my own. I have been to jail numerous times, sliced, shot, stepfather tried to sleep with me and so much more I will tell you If you want me to continue where I left off. I feed the homeless and do so many good deeds in all communities in my dad's name. Please drop some love in the comments and maybe a little tip OR cashapp for some coffee ($BLESSTHEPOOR2020)... I LOVE COFFEE LOL. I am writing this to inspire anyone who think they are stuck and can't move from any situation they are in. Life can be hard as it is, so why must we be comfortable with toxic behavior. I love you all and if ever need a friend, I AM HERE.

SHA

THANK YOU FOR READING SO FAR. LOVE IS LOVE