How to Piss Off Your Best Employee

Do you have one employee that succeeds more than all the rest? Do you feel like you are being too kind to them and need to treat them harsher? Well, do I have the right how-to list for you! My boss has been a shithead to me for four years straight! I've got the know-how to show you how to piss off someone like me - a hard-worker who never gives up and tries their best.

1. Only give them a raise when they threaten to leave. You don't want to congratulate them too early for a job well done. Make sure they're good and mad at their situation in life before you pay them another dime more. And to put icing on the cake, make them feel like you had planned to give them that raise all along and that they didn't just threaten to leave you stranded.

2. Try scheduling them for days they don't want to work and then force them to come in. When they say they can't, tell them they have to. Don't mention any repurcussions if they say 'no.' Just tell them that they have to. And sit back and laugh as they do it.

3. Do not, under any circumstances, reply to their messages. No matter how many times they text you, don't respond, ever. It shows that you care and you want to make it clear that, indeed, you do not care whatsoever, just as long as you get what you want, and you will.

4. No vacation time, no sick days. You pay them to work, not to be sick or to go to England or to sit on their asses at home, or whatever they're doing - you don't care. Only pay them for the time they are in the building, or shop, or whatever, working their assess off for the tiny amount of pay you're giving them.

5. When your employee is having a hard time - ignore them. Don't try to make them feel better. Don't consul them and tell them they're doing a good job. Don't even acknowledge their existence - or the fact that they're crying while standing right in front of you. You know what's important - the bottom line, not your employees.

6. If your employee is sick, tell them they have to come in anyway. It doesn't matter of it's coming out both ends. Their measley per hour paycheck is more important then their health. And when they come in, make sure they do all the hard work.

7. In fact, make sure they're always doing the hard work. Don't help them, don't even offer to help them. Or, if you do feel inclined to offer assisstance, make sure to wink at them and say "pych!" when they say "yes, please." It adds a nice touch of harshness that way. Also, remind them that that's what they're being paid for, and then go back to your cushioned office chair to play on the computer or chat on the phone.

8. If you speak another language, and your employee shows a real interest in learning it, make sure you use lots of swear words. You don't want them picking up words they could actually use in public. And if they piss you off, use those words at them or use rude hand gestures unique to your people. Don't teach them anything they could use in real life - they might start to understand what you've been saying this whole time behind their back.

Well, that's almost 10, but not quite, suggestions on how to piss of your best employee. Use them in no order and use them often - but not so often they actually go to find a better job. Pay them just enough and work their schedule just enough around their needs that they stay. But rememeber to force them to work a few days a month that they'd really rather not. It keeps them on their toes.